All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses
by sleepy hippo
Summary: Prussia is trying to seduce the North American brothers, France is harassing England, Spain is seducing the Italies and Russia is being set up for heart break. America and Canada are devious and Prussia is in for a world of hurt. M for language. Crackish.
1. From Prussia With Love

**Title - All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live - Then It Is Excellent**

Sorry about the truncated title it wouldn't all fit.

Summary - Prussia is trying to seduce the North American brothers, France is harassing England and his neighbours, Spain is seducing the Italies and Russia is being set up for heart break. America and Canada are building a business empire, Prussia is in for a world of hurt, Hungary is suspicious and Estonia and Japan are determined to get to the bottom of the worlds strange goings-on.

This is just set up really more like a prologue. There will be a considerable amount of strong language in the second chapter so I'm rating this M. M in this case most certainly does not stand for Mature, this will be anything but.

Disclaimer - I do not own Hetalia.

* * *

Chapter 1 – From Prussia with Love

* * *

To - Antonio

C.c. – Francis

From - Gilbert

Subject – My Awesome Master Plan

Dearest friends who are awesome but not as awesome as me,

I have some exciting news. Did you guys realise there was a country called Canada? Yeah it totally exists and apparently has done for years. Well I met the little fellow today for the first time. At least I think it was the first time, hard to say. It took a while for me to notice him cause he kept like fading out of focus but I'm awesome so I can see him all the time now. Anyway it turns out not many people remember Canada and others mistake him for his brother America, which is strange cause they don't look that similar but not everyone can be as intelligent as me I suppose.

You might be wandering what this could possibly have to do with my news and what any of it has to do with you, well, patience, all shall be revealed. I got to thinking that Canada and America are quite young really, and they are both quite successful despite this. They seem rather innocent though. Arthur's doing no doubt. They also have a lot of land and resources and America can certainly pose a credible threat to Russia, the bastard!

Politics, you know, is not really my thing anymore. Being awesome and drinking beer is more my style and why change what works? Well maybe I should be more selfless once in a while. I have come up with an awesome game that once explained will have both of you worshipping at the Prussian altar of awesome forevermore. I see this as my chance to get back at Russia but what's in it for you? What indeed.

This is how it will go. I am going to try and engineer it so that Canada and Russia have a fortuitous meeting or two. Through my awesome and subtle skills of manipulation I will get Russia to fall madly (as if he needs any help there keseseseses) in love with Canada. Meanwhile I will commence the wooing of said nation and his brother America. Risky for any person that does not posses my level of awesome. But I do so I'll be fine. Once this has been accomplished I'll convince them that they don't in fact love me but each other. Evil, maybe, genius, undeniably. I'll take it graciously but I'll need a shoulder to cry on, right? I'm sure Lithuania will oblige and no doubt word of the happy new couple will reach Russia and snap…there goes what little is left of Russia's sanity. Either he'll be so unresponsive he'll no longer be a menace or he'll go mental and America will be forced to act and subdue him for good.

I'm sure you don't need my awesome self to point out some problems in this plan. Francis you'll be wondering about England. He could be a threat. He'd realize something was up, he's sickeningly and very uncooly overprotective of little America and as cool as Gilibird is there really only needs to be one of him. Well this is your chance Francis; you'll need to distract him. I know you have this love/hate thing going on but seriously it's been centuries already. I'm sure you'll find a way to make him come round. We want him too preoccupied to notice anything going on with America. You better watch out for his brothers and Ireland as well, they are rather fond of America and Canada.

The other major problem will be my very own bruder, gott love him. It would be a major headache if he got wind of any plotting on my part, he doesn't like that sort of thing and he can usually tell when I am scheming. He might be distracted by a little Italy drama though. If, Antonio, you were to be seen trying to seduce the Italies then I'm sure he would fail to notice if I drove a tank through the house (again).

I think you will admit that this would be beneficial to us all and extremely amusing. And for the game? Maybe we should take note of how many nations we can _influence_ over the course of my awesome plan. Winner (which will be me) will be crowned King of Awesome.

So what say you brothers in antics?

Gilbert the Awesome _and_ Devious.

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Francis

Subject – Re: My Awesome Master Plan

Ah Mon ami, you truly do have too much time on your hands. As diabolical as your scheme is it is very complicated and people are so changeable, you shall find this hard. I am intrigued however and who else is more adept at the art of seduction than I? None as you well know. You do right including me.

Ah little England always did look up to me you know, before he became so bad tempered and unfashionable. Well, he has always been rather unfashionable. Nevertheless I know he still loves me deeply. I shall take up the gauntlet and overcome the stubborn fool. I'll make sure to pay _special_ attention to his brothers as well. There's little danger of them confiding in Arthur so I should be able to keep it secret. Ireland may be a little harder, she is one scary lady; I hear she gets along well with Hungary.

I shall keep you updated mon frere, and if you need any advice just ask.

You will not be winning this one.

Francis.

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Antonio

Subject – Re: My Awesome Master Plan

Mi Hermano! It has been a while. I like your thinking. I don't care what you do with America or Russia but I will help you regardless, what are friends for?

My lovely little Romano is a very bad tempered and stubborn man you know. I think a little healthy competition will teach him to be more generous. It is for his own good you will agree. Still I do not like the idea of Germany trying to kill me. You better warm me if it looks like he shall.

I will see you soon I suppose, a little pre-prank get together with Francis? I am determined to beat you this time, I am sure you watered down that beer.

I am off for a siesta, later.

Antonio

* * *

I'm going to try and update this weekly but the next chapter will probably be up in a few days since this one is quite short.


	2. In Which Canada and America Are Not

I'd like to thank **Little-Harlequin** for the review and everyone who has faved and added this story to their alerts.

Chapter 2 - There is quite a lot of swearing involved. Alfred and Matthew make an appearance and Arthur is under siege. I should say that Canada and America may seem OOC in their correspodence and possibly actions. Maybe not so much America as Canada though. They are supposed to look similar and some think of them as twins so I was kind of running with that idea, with scissors in my hand. Twins are always cool, it's like a universal law – George and Fred in Harry Potter, the Sanza twins in Lock Lamorra, Kaoru and Hikaru from Ouran, Tweedledee and Tweedled…okay forget the last one, ahem, anyway, I am treating them like that cause the _Universe demands it!_

_

* * *

_

**All is Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

Chapter 2 – In Which Canada and America Are Not Stupid

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – Suspicious Characters

Attach - Scaredshitless

Now brother you will be the first to admit that I am not in fact the most attentive pea in the pod. Not that peas are attentive but whatever man, not the point, metaphorical isn't it? When even I start to notice someone's acting suspicious it means that someone is acting _very_ suspicious. That's right, italics, that's how suspicious this person is. You know that new friend of yours? It's that very person that is being so freaky. He tried to touch my ass bro, my frikken ass! I got Tony to abduct him in retribution, you should have seen his face, it was hysterical! You'd think he wasn't used to being sworn at by aliens.

My hero sense is alerting me to something being in the works, so watch out for any strange occurrences, we'll work this out bro, don't you worry. Hey I was thinking about coming to visit in a few days I've got this totally cool invention I'm working on - could use some help.

That's my burger ready; see you later.

Alfred

P.S. I forgot, I had Whaley take a photo of his face; I'll send it to you!

P.P.S. Tony says, "Hey Fucker." I think he likes you (don't worry he's away at the end of the week for a trip round Saturn or some shit like that).

* * *

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – Crazy Prussia

Hey Al, sorry it took me a while to reply I was away visiting Katyusha. Prussia did come to visit me the other day, he was the one that passed on Ukraine's well wishes and seemed to be hinting that she wanted me to visit. I thought I better go and check on her because she gets quite stressed out. When I got there though, she told me she hadn't spoken to Prussia in a good while and never mentioned me to him at all.

I left early because Russia turned up to visit his sister. That guy has the scariest smile I have ever encountered. I never realized a smile could be so threatening but he seemed stable enough while I was there. I could tell he wanted to spend time with Ukraine though, who was quite flustered at his arrival. When Belarus arrived a couple of hours later I got out of there fast. That's one overprotective sibling right there.

As much as I hate admitting this your hero sense might be right this time; take note brother I said _this time._ Maybe he's trying to have me killed by Russia or Belarus…he needs a country and lets face it who would notice if I disappeared? Tactically it would be a good move. Or at least it would be if you weren't next door. Could also explain why he's trying to solicit favour from you. Surely no one is that obvious though.

Fine I'll make sure your room is ready but please, please don't blow up my garage this time. It's like the fifth time. Show some restraint and I promise I'll help.

Since you're being all stereotypical with burgers I'm off to make pancakes and drown in a vat of maple syrup. I'm dead tired after getting caught up in the soviet reunion but not dead so doing well.

Matthew

P.S. You're right, it's hilarious!

P.P.S. Say "fuckety bye bye" from me, he'll appreciate it I'm sure. Why do people have such a problem with aliens? They're just like less moronic, space traveling teenagers.

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – Come On!

That was a poor way to treat an old friend mon cher. I am disappointed in you. A very low blow Arthur. Unlike some I have a use for that.

Francis

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – 'Awesome' bait

Attach – Fuckingterrified

Yeah he's up to something all right. Tried to visit again. I know I was going to keep an eye on him but I couldn't help having a little fun first, retribution for the ass thing. I dug this mammoth moat around the house and filled it with crocodiles and bears and stuff and then camouflaged it. You should have heard his screams. Ah wait, you can, cause I am a genius and recorded the whole thing! He kept screaming about them not, "eating his awesome self." Yeah way to make yourself sound unappetizing!

I thought about telling Arthur but he'd just take over and we can manage one non-entity of a nation. I think this will be amusing.

See you later bro, I'll be careful this time. Scouts honour.

Alfred

P.S. Tony says, "Ha fucking Ha."

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Low Blow

Piss right off you git! We're not friends and we are certainly not whatever you were suggesting, you perverted frog. Try that again and I'll cut it off and use it in a magic ritual that'll turn you into a celibate fucking rabbit, which I will cook in a stew and serve in a monastery. Many people would thank me for the kindness of saving them from your slimy advances. Now fuck right off.

Arthur

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – Rabbits

I can't be a celibate _fucking _rabbit, can I? You contradict yourself. I never realised just how deeply I affected you. The _lady_ doth protest too much methinks.

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Imminent Murder

FUCK OFF!

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – Fuck Off

I'm thinking of you too.

Francis

* * *

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – Let's Become Filthy Rich!

I thought you'd let Tony handle the ass thing? There's nothing like a little personal retribution, eh? Ah what did we do before technology? I think we should follow your suggested plan with just a little twist. If we keep recording these unfortunate mishaps of Prussia's we could probably sell them to the other nations for a tidy profit. Next time he comes up here to visit I'll arrange a run in with a grizzly, or Kuma dressed as a grizzly, as if he'd be able to tell the difference. If they prove popular, who knows, YouTube hit?

Yeah we can manage without the old man getting involved, talk about buzz kill, I think he'd try to stop us. He's the only one that knows what we're capable of, always dangerous in itself. Plus I don't think he's forgiven us that one time yet.

You were never in the scouts, that's what you said to make Arthur stop bugging you and you'd just go and do it anyway! You better not or I'll get Kuma to shit in your breakfast.

Matthew

* * *

To – Katyusha

From - Ivan

Subject – Homecoming

Dearest Sister,

I was very sorry to drop in so unexpectedly but you had a good time, da? You are looking very well in any case but I really do think you should consider my proposal and return home with me.

It is nice to see you making friends I suppose, though I still don't know who was supposed to be there. If you came home to live with me I promise that you could have as many friends visit as you liked and I would be pleasant to them all.

Missing you greatly,

Ivan your little brother.

* * *

To - Natalia

From - Ivan

Subject – Visit To Your Sisters

I thought I told you to stay at home, da? I remember saying it. You scared away her little friend, although I still think she made him up as I could not see anyone. Someone _was_ trying to talk to me though. If you scare away her friends she will never want to come home again and if she does not come home then you cannot come and live with me either.

I do not think she really did invite us. I thought we where getting somewhere but it must have been a prank. Still it is not like Latvia to lie to me. You asked if you could do anything to make it up to me, da, little sister? Well I think you should pay a visit to small Latvia and see what he has to say for himself. Make sure you get some sense out of him. If you do not manage to, tell him I will be around to visit him personally. He would like that I think.

Ivan

* * *

To - Arthur

From - Francis

Subject – The Language of Love

_Beautiful spouse_

_I love your tears!_

_They're the dew_

_Befitting flowers._

_Beautiful things_

_Have but one spring_

_With roses let's sow_

_Time's footprints!_

_Blonde or brunette_

_Must we select?_

_Pleasure is_

_The God of this world. __1_

Francis

* * *

To - Francis

From - Arthur

Subject – The Language of Bullshitting

How very apt. If you honestly thought that French poetry would at all impress me then you, _sir_, have much to learn. Not that you will get the chance. Just, please, leave me alone.

Arthur

* * *

To - Arthur

From - Francis

Subject – The Language of _Love_

You wound me so! My very person expresses love, I am its embodiment and my language is the verbal means through which it is conveyed. My body conveys my physical love though, as you soon shall learn, much to your _satisfaction._

Since you have so wounded my great language I shall convey my feelings through your preferred poet:

_Let me not to the marriage of true minds  
__Admit impediments. Love is not love  
__Which alters when it alteration finds,  
__Or bends with the remover to remove:  
__O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,  
__That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
__It is the star to every wandering bark,  
__Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.  
__Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
__Within his bending sickle's compass come;  
__Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
__But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
__ If this be error and upon me proved,  
__ I never writ, nor no man ever loved. __2_

See mon cher? I will pursue our love till the edge of doom!

Your Francis

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – Home Deranged Home

I'm back home safe, not that you care I'm sure. Tony got back as well, said he had a thrilling time visiting Uranus. Ah Tony, classy as always. That video of Prussia getting attacked by Kuma was made of win, seriously. You have to forward it to me! I thought he was going to spot me, I was trying so hard not to laugh that I let out a strangled scream. Whatever, he probably thought it was the bear. Or himself.

I am still disappointed in you though. You said you'd help with my invention and you didn't so much as take a look at what I was doing never mind pick up a spanner, you tool!

Alfred

P.S. Tony wants me to make it clear he was referring to your anus, like Uranus, get it? Of course you do you're not a complete moron. He disagrees though.

* * *

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – Myanus

Attach - KillerKuma

Tell the impudent bastard of a space traveler that I get it. There is a comatose lice ridden Atlantic salmon that gets it. Why do aliens have such a vested interest in anuses? Don't bother to ask him I highly doubt I'd want to know whatever answer he managed to think up.

You'd think that Prussia would suspect something by now after all the unfortunate incidents he's encountered at our houses. He's either extremely stupid or extremely persistent and if it's the latter then he's stupid anyway. I really need to try and feel sorry for him…nope, nothing. He wouldn't have heard you, I think he'd burst his eardrums by then, which reminds me: my favorite bit was when Kuma bit him on the balls and he screamed so loud that blood ran out of his ears! I think we can get a couple more good ones before starting to put together our DVD.

Yeah well you never showed any restraint like you promised. That's six now and you are paying this time.

Ack, got to go, I think Francis has remembered I exist, looks like he's going to pay me a visit. On the upside he doesn't look happy. I'll keep the camera out and if there is any inappropriate behavior on his part I'll film the outcome.

Matthew

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Ode to a Deranged Psychopath

Shakespeare? Oh well in that case of course I'll sleep with you!

Is that what you were expecting frog? Please, a little more originality. Not that you need bother as I have repeatedly stated I would much rather you did not. No, I insist you don't. Let me put it this way: Fuck off you massive twat.

Arthur

* * *

1. Gothic Song by Gerard de Nerval

2. Sonnet CXVI by William Shakespeare

I just feel that Francis would resort to poetry or anything else he could possible use for wooing purposes. I hope to have the next chapter up next week or maybe at the weekend if I'm lucky.

Edit - I am having difficulty trying to get the poems to stay in the right format, I'll keep trying. The first poem is meant to have breaks after four lines of verse and the the last two lines of the second are supposed to be indented.


	3. From Prussia With Complications

I'd like to thank Little-Harlequin for her review and everyone who Favourited and added this to their alerts. This chapter is moving back to Europe and introduces some new correspondences as well as brief (and in Scotland's case, very foul) cameos from Scotland and Ireland. They will feature here and there in future chapters, nothing too heavy.

Disclaimer - Do not own.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 3 - From Prussia with Complications**

**

* * *

**

To - Antonio

C.c. – Francis

From - Gilbert

Subject – My Awesome Master Plan's Progress

Dearest friends who are not looking so awesome at the moment, unlike me.

This plan is proving to be more difficult than I had supposed it would be. I thought America was an idiot who was unable to 'read the atmosphere' and what do I find? My first, subtle, advance is met by the awesome me being violated by an alien! It's like a pet or something! Its language is worse than a thoroughly drunk Arthur's! Well I brushed that off, cause I'm awesome like that, and set in motion a meeting between Canada and Russia at Ukraine's house. That has proved fruitless. Russia never even noticed Canada and now Belarus is torturing Latvia to find out why he asked Russia to visit his sister when she had no idea he was coming! If that wasn't bad enough, Canada seems to know that I wanted him to visit and not Ukraine herself like I'd suggested but at least there I have a silver lining; he wouldn't have gone if he didn't want to please me and he obviously enquired after me while he was there.

If all that wasn't bad enough I've had a couple of unfortunate accidents while visiting North America and have been mauled by more savage animals than I've ever encountered before in my life. They seem to keep them as pets! I think they found it funny which is not awesome at all! My EARDRUMS burst!

Anyway, Francis you're not fairing any better, all you've managed to do is enrage Arthur and Antonio you haven't so much as said hello to Feliciano yet and my brother is already starting to shoot suspicious looks my way. Mein Gott, what is taking so much time?

I'm not deterred by these setbacks; I just need to tweak a few things. Try being more subtle and cunning and pray that Russia doesn't trace the fake invite from his sister back to me. I'll need to try a different approach with the terrible twins. I'll have to befriend them before anything else; I'd skip the whole seduction business and just get them together if it wasn't for the competition. Ah well, I'm too awesome not to think of something equally as awesome as myself. Pft as if that's even possible, something as awesome as me!

Francis, remember you need to distract his brothers as well and Ireland -I hear she's going to be visiting America soon, we can't have that. Antonio just get a move on, do a little overtime.

Remember to keep me updated. I'll get in touch if I make any headway.

Gilbert the Awesome (but bruised)

* * *

To – Gilbert

From - Antonio

Subject – Patience

Mi Hermano, you and Francis like to rush straight into these pursuits but it may have looked suspicious if I started acting strange around the same time, we do have a reputation, and I'd rather we didn't end up sausage meat.

I will start soon though. I have invited my little Romano and Feliciano over for a holiday. Romano told me to go to hell but Feli thanked me for the invite so I think they will come. Romano does like to play hard to get, such a passionate man.

Remember not to throw stones in glass houses Gilly; you are not doing so great yourself, hmmm.

Later,

Antonio

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Francis

Subject – Distraction

Now now mon ami, please calm yourself. You said I had to distract Arthur, oui? Well by my reckoning he is extremely distracted right at this moment. It might be due to rage but that will pass once his frustration finds other ways to vent itself. You were the one to point out we have been fighting for centuries, I need to soften him up a little first.

I'll get round to his overzealous family, they'll be starting to wonder what is going on with him and I shall obligingly step in and tell each one what they want to hear. If it wasn't for your game Gilbert I could have just stirred some trouble and set them loose to thoroughly distract him but I would not do that even if my reputation were not at stake for I would much rather spread love than discord.

I don't know how to approach Scotland yet, I'd rather know which one he currently is before I attempt anything with him. I think I shall pay a visit to Wales first, see if he will comfort me after his vicious little brother attacks me.

Francis

* * *

To – Romano

From – Antonio

Subject – Dear Heart

Please, please my little cherry tomato, come visit me! Your brother wants to come and see his hermano, it would make me very said if you where not to join him. You don't want to stay at home by yourself, do you? It would get little Feliciano away from that, "Potato eating bastard" for a while, si? Come visit meeeeeeee!

Your loving friend,

Antonio

* * *

To – Donald

From – Patricia

Subject – Your Brother

Can you hear Arthur's shouting? What's with him now? I don't need to sharpen pitchforks or anything, do I?

Patricia

P.S. You left your sporran here on St Pat's day.

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Donald

Subject – Shut The Fuck Up

What the fuck is all the noise about? I swear you were dropped on your head as a baby. Probably by me. Seriously though, Ireland is shitting bricks, she's thinks your about to invade her again or do something phenomenally stupid, so I'd keep yer head down for a while. Whatever's going on just build a bridge and get the fuck over it.

Donald

P.S. Wales must have been driven mental from all that racket, send me photos.

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Romano

Subject – The Idiot

I don't want to go! He's being bloody creepy again. I wish he'd give it a fucking rest. I'm older and much wiser and you'll do as I say Fratello, we're staying here and that is the end of that.

Where the hell are you anyway?

Roma

* * *

To – Romano

From – Feliciano

Subject – Where The Hell I Am

Fratello your language is getting worse! Grandpa will not be pleased! Spain just likes you a lot, that is all, he is not being creepy. He invited both of us remember. I think he is maybe lonely now that Romano is not around to keep him company. I will not go without you, I promise. I'll tell Germany I can stay over for a while! I'm sure he will be glad.

I went to visit Poland, I told you! I did ask you to come with me. He's trying to forcibly hide Lithuania because Belarus is in a bad mood because of Latvia and he's scared she'll try and attack him. I am going to see Germany next before I come home!

Feli

* * *

To – Antonio

From – Romano

Subject – STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Seriously how many times just because I like tomatoes does not mean I want to be called such a bloody stupid name! We'll come over so stop harassing me. I'm only coming because Feliciano was going to spend his time with that potato bastard; it has nothing to do with you!

Romano

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Romano

Subject – Where The Hell You're Going To Be

You need to get home fratello, we are going to visit Spain after all. It's unavoidable and the only way to shut him up.

I don't care what that Roman arse thinks of my language, as if he'd even notice. Oh and Spain is so creepy, I'll prove it to you when we go to visit him, I bet he'll try to touch me in an inappropriate manner within the hour. I'll take a grater just incase. You need to hurry though, we're leaving soon and you have to pack, no time for prancing about Europe!

Roma

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Feliciano

Subject – Holiday!

Amore mio! I cannot come over to see you today! I am going on holiday to visit big brother Spain. I think I'll be there for a few weeks but I will keep in touch and you better as well or I'll think Germany has forgotten about me and does not like me any longer. I was going to visit before I left but Romano is stressing out about getting packed and leaving so I have to hurry! I still have so much pasta to buy before we are ready to go!

Feli

* * *

To – Donald

From – Gilbert

Subject – Greeting from Every Glen Or Something Like That

Hey Scotland thought my awesome self would come and visit you soon, what do you think, wouldn't it be awesome? I have a favour to ask as well, since we're corresponding – can you get me one of those haggis birds, the lopsided ones, Gillibird needs someone to laugh at, I think a lopsided mountain bird should do it.

Gilbert the Awesome

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Donald

Subject – No Glen Would Bother Greeting You

Stop saying awesome you fucking jakey bastard. A moronic five year old could come up with something wittier than you. Come visit, aye.

Donald

* * *

To – France

From – Gilbert

Subject – Scotland's Present Un-Awesome State

I just checked for you, it's mad Donald so I'd steer clear until the other one surfaces.

Gilbert the Awesome

* * *

To – Romano

From – Feliciano

Subject – Please Come Out Of The Closet

Waaaah, Fratello! It was an accident, big brother did not mean to do that! He must have thought it was you; this is how you treat each other, si? I think he was only trying to shake my hand really but he was very sleepy and didn't realise…fratello please don't leave me out here alone! It was a big misunderstanding!

Feli

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Romano

Subject – I AM NOT LEAVING THIS CLOSET TILL HE DIES

YOU CAN'T DO THAT ACCIDENTALLY AND HE CAN TELL US APART AND THE FUCKER SHOULD KNOW BETTER ANYWAY! DRUG HIM FELICIANO AND THEN WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT HOME!

* * *

To – Roman

From – Antonio

Subject – I Am On My Knees Begging!

Please Romano, please my little cherry tomato! It was an accident, I was half asleep and your brother did leave his buttons undone. Are you jealous Toma? There is no need, Spain loves you best, I always fight for my little Romano, si? Please come out, it can't be very comfortable in there and I can hear you crying mi amor, let me give you a hug!

A very upset Antonio

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Antonio

Subject – Romano

I don't think I can do this to Romano he is such a sensitive little soul and locked himself in the closet when I 'accidentally' touched Feliciano. This is too much. He is heartbroken. The poor thing loves me that much!

Antonio no longer your brother in plans.

* * *

To – Antonio

From – Gilbert

Subject – NO YOU DON'T, TOTALLY UNAWESOME!

Man the fuck up Antonio! Romano is a cheeky little bastard that throws his toys out of the pram whenever he's not getting his way! This will do him some good I'm sure. Before you were his master, which is not conducive to an equal relationship but neither is being his bitch!

Honestly. Never heard of playing hard to get? Take Arthur's example, the more he refuses Francis the more determined Francis gets that he both wants and loves him. Is it twisted? Yes. Is it true despite this? YES. If you do not get over this I will revoke your man card, I'm serious, I'll do it.

Gilbert the much more awesome and manlier than you.

* * *

To – Patricia

From – Donald

Subject – Pitchforks

Don't worry about it he's finally cracked is all. I'd still sharpen your pitchfork or pikes or whatever. Always best to be prepared. That arse Prussia is up to something, I'd watch out for him, completely deranged.

Donald

P.S. I'll pick it up when I visit next.

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Feliciano

Subject – Holiday In Spain

Ah Germany! This is not going as planned. Things are very stressful in big brothers house and we have not yet been here a day! Big brother was sleeping when we arrived and Romano woke him up by kicking him in the head! He was still a little sleepy and no doubt dazed when he did get up and he put his hand out for me to shake, except he never realized where he put his hand! When he did he apologized to me a lot and was very embarrassed but I just laughed it off because it was an obvious mistake big brother would never do something like that by purpose and he loves Romano too much to hurt him! Romano doesn't see it that way though and has locked himself in the closet and is refusing to come out and keeps screaming at big brother and I. He has quite a colorful imagination when it comes to swearing.

He wants me to drug big brother and grate his ear off before escaping to Italy but I'm not going to do that! It was all a horrible misunderstanding and now Spain is crying as well and calling Romano his cherry tomato which is making Romano shout at him even louder and more violently than before! If only they where calm like Germany then everything would be fine. Ah now Romano has told Spain that he has asked England to come over with his Armada and crush Spain and put him in the Tower of London. I hope he doesn't mean it. England would not do that, would he? You have to write to me Germany, I know you are busy but I need some distraction, Spain has started singing; it is not the most tuneful sound.

Feli

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Ludwig

Subject – Holiday In Hell

Would you like me to come and get you Italy? It does not sound very pleasant there. You are certain that this was all an accident? You do not have to be scared because if he hurt you I will come right away. Don't worry about England, he has his own problems, I can hear France's laughter here so I think he is antagonising him, he'll be too preoccupied to do anything to Spain. Why don't you go out for a while and do some painting Italy? Tell Spain that Germany says hello.

Ludwig

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Romano

Subject – Mutual Interests – Pissing Off Spain

England I have a proposition for you. Spain is being a real bastard and I know France is annoying you so I think it would be advantageous if we were to help each other out. Let's say you travel through France and meet me at the Spanish border and stay overnight in Spain, Francis is sure to find out and maybe he'll take the hint and leave you alone. I only chose you cause you'll piss Antonio off the most. Come dressed as an admiral or something.

Romano

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Feliciano

Subject – Thank God

Ah no need to worry anymore Ludi! Romano has exited the closet and is even smiling! He still will not talk to big brother but at least he is not shouting any longer. The singing has also stopped. I am going to do as you suggested though and go into town to see all the cute girls.

Thank you for your advice

Feliciano

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Ludwig

Subject – Don't Call Me Ludi!

That wasn't wha…oh well, have fun then.

Ludwig

* * *

To – Romano

From – Arthur

Subject – Am I Surrounded By Mad Men?

Bloody hell Romano what is wrong with you? That is a NO.

Arthur

* * *

Amore mio - My love

Jakey -Scottish term for an alcaholic

Mi amor - My love

Romano likes his sea men does he not? Yes one way or another I am going to hell for that.

I don't feel happy with this chapter at all. Well Scotland has a bit of a personality twist, It was supposed to be for another story that I was writing but this one ended up taking over so I just used it here instead. I have edited and checked the spelling and everything but I might have missed something out so feel free to let me know if I've made a mistake or five. Reviews and criticisms appreciated.

I had to fic the layout of the last chapter and managed to catch this before it went out, it keeps putting everything in italics.


	4. In Which America and Canada Plan Their

A big thank you to **Night-13, hopeindarkness **and **Little-Harlequin **for their lovely reviews they are all very appreciated and a great motivator! **Night-13 **I honestly didn't even think of that but that plot point will resurface in the next chapter.

I am ahead of schedule so I am hoping to maybe try and update slightly more frequently than once a week.

I am greatly enjoying writing this, despite now an again cringing at what I have written! I feel when it comes to the North American bro's I am channeling my inner teenage-boy which is quite an experience. Oh my look at me getting all emotional.

**Disclaimer** - I don't own it and thank God for that because I would ruin the whole thing!

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

Chapter 4 – In Which America and Canada Plan Their Business Empire

* * *

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – French Torment and Prussian Pain

Attach –

Here's another one to add to the collection, France getting a hockey stick shoved up his ass! Don't worry though - it was an old stick. _Lots_ of splinters. Prussia was round visiting again so I've also got a video of a tree trunk falling on his leg, which I think is now broken. I prepared the tree earlier but I got Beelzebub to do the final honours for comic effect. Ah the sound of crashing trees and Prussia in pain…it'll never get old.

He was telling me, when I got him conscious again (I had him sit on a porcupine), about Russia. Apparently he's flipped and has been found naked in the snow up in Siberia gripping an empty bottle of vodka. It froze to his hand, or so Prussia says. Prussia thought the whole thing was particularly funny, kept laughing. I asked him why Russia was supposed to have done it, beside being many cents short of a dollar, and Prussia asserted that no one liked Russia and everyone that he loved had left him and his house became too lonely. He laughed through the whole explanation! Poor Russia I never thought about it that way. Katyusha told me about his history and its pretty horrific…it still torments him. You know I think he could do with a friend. I was thinking of visiting Katyusha this week, maybe I should stop over in Russia before returning home. You should come with me and help.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you! Francis mentioned something about Arthur, he was crying as well (although that might have been because of the hockey stick incident). You might want to check Arthur's all right you know how he gets when Francis antagonises him.

Ahhhh Beelzebub is about to let a tree fall on top of my house!

Matthew

* * *

To – Katyusha

From – Matthew

Subject – Dropping By

Hello, its Matthew, I hope you're well.

I was thinking of coming over to visit but after last times mix up I thought it best to check first. I heard that your brother was ill, I hope he is feeling better now. I'm having some work done on my house, there was an unfortunate logging incident but there wasn't much damage done just took part of the gable end out. Would you like to maybe go and visit your brother as well? I can take you over to see him, I was thinking of checking that he was all right.

Hopefully see you soon,

Matthew

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – Curiosity Killed the Canadian (Or Ivan in this case)

Don't leave me hanging bro, what happened to your house and who the hell is Beelzebub when he's at home?

That video with Francis has reached new heights of awesome! I should congratulate Kuma on the excellent work; his angle of entry was inspired. The best part of the Prussia video was the porcupine! It has prompted me to up the ante and I think my next stunt will have you firmly convinced of my epic brilliance and hero status. I think we should be thinking Blu-Ray as well, although maybe we could hang fire on that till the YouTube hits go through the roof cause then we can charge loads more.

Ah don't be so soft Matthew, that's your problem, Arthur will be fine he can handle himself. He secretly likes Francis' attention, I'm sure of it. If not well tough luck I'm busy enough, got some calls to make to Kenya, top secret - _very_ important.

Talking about you being soft, seriously Bro, leave Russia alone - let his own family deal with him. I know best, right - I was fighting him for decades! Guy is deranged, crazy, loco, communist…leave him to that mad chick Belus or whatever, don't go sticking your nose in cause all you'll find is trouble and by the end of it you'll probably be one nose down. Let sleeping dogs sleep in case they wake up and shit all over the place! Listen to me this is like the wisdom of ages. Or was that supposed to be sages? Same difference.

Alfred your extremely knowledgeable superior brother.

P.S. Prussia was probably over-exaggerating if it makes you feel any better

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Katyusha

Subject – Visiting Little Brother

Hello Mattie! Yes you must come round to visit I was happy to see you last time I'm just sorry you had to leave so early, you can stay here if you like while your house is getting fixed it would be nice to see Kuma again! Ah yes, poor Ivan, he has been a little ill recently but I think he is feeling much better now. It would be nice to go and see him but I am scared that if I go and visit him he will try and force me to stay there. Also if I come with you Mattie then he might get the wrong idea about our relationship and he can be a very overprotective little brother. Ah please do not misunderstand me he is a very lovely brother and has been very good to me and he does love me dearly but he is very like a child you know, he expresses his love like a confused child at times, usually he is fine with me but other people he finds it hard with. His way of connecting is sometimes slightly skewed. His heart is in the right place despite that, when it _is _in. But please you must still come over to stay with me I would be very happy if you did!

Katyusha

* * *

To – Katyusha

From – Matthew

Subject – Sick Brothers

Thank you Katyusha I would love to stay over although I may have to go and see Francis at some point, he had a bad run in with a…well he wasn't very well when he visited last. I'd still like to see your brother. He has always intimidated me slightly but he seems lonely and when you describe him like that it makes me less frightened, he has been getting better these last few years surely?

I will see you soon!

Mattie

* * *

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – Your Problem…

_…_Is that you are an ass. I am not soft you're just a massive douche.

You don't know Beelzebub? _She _is my Beaver Al. I'm sure you once met her, did she not eat your skateboard? Well she felled one of the trees a little too near the house and took out my bedroom and the living room. I'm getting it fixed, sleeping in the spare room at the moment and its not too draughty. That top-secret call to Kenya, that has to do with your latest Prussia plot doesn't it? The boss is going to have an aneurism if he knows you're diverting national resources and international relations for the sake of a prank on Germany's brother. I await the results with anticipation.

How many times Alfred? Russia is not communist any more. It never truly was no nation has ever been able to actually achieve communism. Look I can handle myself. I learnt from a young age to not only fend off Francis' advances but I survived being your twin and living next door to you, I think I can more than handle a single Russian. Plus Katyusha will be with me. You can't bully me, you don't have to come but I am going to go anyway. Don't try to stop me. And yes that was both warning and threat.

Mattie

P.S. Yeah I noticed Kuma's skill with the hockey stick, wonder if he's some kind of alien in disguise?

_______________

* * *

_

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – Devilish Beavers

Yeah well douche or not you still love me bro, don't deny it, life would be outrageously boring without me around to liven things up… Hahaha you said she was your beaver, you have a female beaver! Ahahahahahahahah!

What results are you anticipating: me getting killed by the boss and sent to live in Timbuktu for a year (Canada) or the prank on Prussia?

Yeah he totally was a communist! Maybe not anymore but he so was and North Korea is as well and China was communist so you are well wrong. Did over half of the last century just pass you by? Were you hibernating or something? No wonder everyone forgets you. Whatever. Fine you can go and visit Russia if you want but I am warning you and him; if he so much as makes you flinch I will fuck him up. Oh and consider that a threat as well.

Prussia is coming to visit while you are mincing around Eastern Europe, so if my delivery comes in time you'll have an Epic video of Epic proportions to look forward to on your return.

Alfred

P.S. Tony wants me to tell you that you are the 'Canidian son of a poxy whore'. He notes that Canidian is like a less cool Canadian and therefore 'fucking tragic'

P.P.S. His words so don't shoot the messenger. Maybe shouldn't have compared a highly developed extraterrestrial to a bear. Just sayin'.

_______________

* * *

_

To – Alfred

From – Matthew

Subject – On The Subject Of Beavers and Canadians

I deny it, love don't live here no more, not that it ever did, you only wish.

Outrageously boring? Sounds good, at the moment it's just outrageous. That's not funny and doesn't even make sense! Yeah I know what you are trying to insinuate but I'm just going to ignore it for the moronic bullshit it is.

Which indeed. Either will do, I'm not fussed. After that last comment though probably the former. Maybe I'll have a word with the boss man myself. Also pray tell brother, how can he kill you and then send you to live in Canada? You'll be dead, why doesn't he just bury you under the White House and pretend you never happened? Hey, we could ALL do that!

Ah Alfred I forgot I was talking to such a literal person or at least a literally stupid person. I'll keep my philosophical musings to myself in the future. I was not hibernating but I did spend a lot of time trying to ignore your stupidity so I might have missed a few things.

Mincing? I'm going to refrain from commenting on that one. Or possibly I'll be returning to your banishment from D.C. again. How many presidents would that make it in total I wonder? Thanks for you misplaced concern though, I'll be fine. Good luck with the Epic prank of Epicness, lets hope it isn't just an Epic Fail.

Mattie

P.S. I can hear the jealousy Tony, Canada Fuck Yeah! All the cool extraterrestrial kids want to probe Canadians.

P.P.S. I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm going to Europe before your influence further affects me.

P.P.P.S. And anyway it's a bear that talks, that's bloody impressive!

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – Cold as Ice

You're willing to sacrifice our love! How could you mon cher? Now please be sensible I am truly trying here. You do not like French poetry so I send you English poetry and then you accuse me of being mundane and a let down! You did let your true feelings shine through though, did you not? Oui, I can read between the lines and I know that you just want me to try harder and I am not an inconsiderate lover. This one I have composed myself as a token of my enduring love:

She walks in beauty, like the night  
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;  
And all that's best of dark and bright  
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:  
Thus mellowed to that tender light  
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,  
Had half impaired the nameless grace  
Which waves in every raven tress,  
Or softly lightens o'er her face;  
Where thoughts serenely sweet express  
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,  
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,  
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,  
But tell of days in goodness spent,  
A mind at peace with all below,  
A heart whose love is innocent!*

Your loving Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Annoying As Lice

You are not ANY kind of lover, not to me at least and you never will be. You saying you can read between the lines is like Alfred saying he can read the atmosphere! Reading between the lines does not mean trying it on with anything that moves! I am not even going to ask you why you are trying because quite frankly I couldn't care less if I tried and no doubt your reasons would be mind breakingly sick. And if by enduring love you mean until the next person passes by then I don't think much of your enduring love. Till the edge of doom, I mean really, more like until the break of noon!

Do not try and pass Lord Byron's work off as your own you frog! Keep your slippery amphibian pads off my poets; stop cheapening their work by comparing your shallow illusions of love to their grand devotions. Oh and another very important point to note, your decrepit eyesight may be failing you but I am sure you have not failed to notice that I am in fact a gentleman, so stop implying that I am female!

Arthur

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – My Little Innocent

Well it was less clichéd, was it not? I am extremely good at reading between the lines, Arthur, how cruel of you! What I am getting from you is that you are insecure and jealous. Oh how you want to love me but you are afraid of my attention wondering because it would break your heart! You needn't fear for you are my destined one mon cheri.

Ah you are no gentleman but neither are you a lady hahah. Maybe though, you _are_ a gentleman after all but I promise you shall be one no more when I am with you!

Your soon to be first, Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Oh Bloody Hell

Gentleman does not mean that you knave! Don't go assigning words your own meanings! I will not have my superior language besmirched by your aberrant mind. Please, instead of trying to read between the lines bloody well read the lines! STOP ANNOYING ME. No more poetry, or declarations of love, certainly no lewd innuendoes. Just STOP.

Arthur

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Francis

Subject – For You - My Ice Queen

My heart it breaks

Into a thousand glittering slithers

If only one shard made its way to you

And lodged in your eye

Then you would forever carry my love

The love that damned me

And as years passed that ill-starred sigh

Would be cold not with death

But with promise unfulfilled

Softly would that cold despair

Seep through your bones

And coming to your heart

Freeze it as it beat its last**

Your loving and suffering Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Arthur

Subject – Never Do That Again (stop insulting my language)!

That one was most definitely all you. Only you could create such an overly dramatic, lamentable and downright creepy addition to po…no I cannot finish that sentence in good conscience. To call that poetry would be to insult emotionally distraught teenage females writing a higher caliber of tragic verse throughout the world.

I shall concede however that you have been constant in your approaches and it should do no harm to return the favour. If_ ever_ I love you, if I _ever_ come to that dismal conclusion I shall follow the advice of one of my distinguished poets. This is a promise Francis:

THE rain set early in to-night,  
The sullen wind was soon awake,  
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,  
And did its worst to vex the lake:  
I listen'd with heart fit to break.  
When glided in Porphyria; straight  
She shut the cold out and the storm,  
And kneel'd and made the cheerless grate  
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;  
Which done, she rose, and from her form  
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,  
And laid her soil'd gloves by, untied  
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,  
And, last, she sat down by my side  
And call'd me. When no voice replied,  
She put my arm about her waist,  
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,  
And all her yellow hair displaced,  
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,  
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,  
Murmuring how she loved me—she  
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,  
To set its struggling passion free  
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,  
And give herself to me for ever.  
But passion sometimes would prevail,  
Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain  
A sudden thought of one so pale  
For love of her, and all in vain:  
So, she was come through wind and rain.  
Be sure I look'd up at her eyes  
Happy and proud; at last I knew  
Porphyria worshipp'd me; surprise  
Made my heart swell, and still it grew  
While I debated what to do.  
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,  
Perfectly pure and good: I found  
A thing to do, and all her hair  
In one long yellow string I wound  
Three times her little throat around,  
And strangled her. No pain felt she;  
I am quite sure she felt no pain.  
As a shut bud that holds a bee,  
I warily oped her lids: again  
Laugh'd the blue eyes without a stain.  
And I untighten'd next the tress  
About her neck; her cheek once more  
Blush'd bright beneath my burning kiss:  
I propp'd her head up as before,  
Only, this time my shoulder bore  
Her head, which droops upon it still:  
The smiling rosy little head,  
So glad it has its utmost will,  
That all it scorn'd at once is fled,  
And I, its love, am gain'd instead!  
Porphyria's love: she guess'd not how  
Her darling one wish would be heard.  
And thus we sit together now,  
And all night long we have not stirr'd,  
And yet God has not said a word!***

P.S. Note the use of grammar.

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – Operation Top Secret's Epic Conclusion!

Attach – LicenseToKill00Badg

Wait till you get a load of this bro

Alfred the God among men

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – From Mind Blowing Awesome to Fail Squared

Oh wow. What in the name of all that is holy was _that_? That truly is the Epic video of Epicness that you promised. I can honestly say I have never been prouder of you. We are going to be so obscenely rich! The only problem that I can see is that we have to try and top that. We need to commence planning immediately.

First though I shall detail my trip to Europe, which was eventful, and at times, most times, mortifying. As you know I went to visit Katyusha first- or as you affectionately (I assume) call her 'that chick with the massive rack'- I spent some time at her house which was pleasant and not at all remarkable and then proceeded to take her to visit her Little Brother Russia, the idea of Russia as a 'little' anything is absurd but anyway that is when things started to go downhill. He was ecstatic to see his sister, he really is like a child, and thought she was going to move home and 'become one' but she told him it was just a visit and he started Koling all over the place and smiling in the creepiest manner possible. Katyusha had already introduced me but he still couldn't see me so I introduced myself and after the third time of stating who I was (and two maps later) he finally could see me. It at least stopped his Koling. He asked me what I was doing visiting him and I told him I had heard he was not well and wanted to check up on him. He was confused by this and a somewhat suspicious so he reverted to the accustomed plea to 'become one with Russia, da?'

Things eventually started to settle down and after staring at me for ten minutes straight and getting no answer he returned his attention to his sister and I admit to sighing in relief. I thought I better calm myself down so I recited the litany against fear like we used to do when we were younger and then my mind wondered to Star Wars and the immortal lightsabre duel we had when we visited England, which lead me on to thinking about Star Trek…I didn't realize that Katyusha had started talking to me in my spaced state which prompted Russia to ask me what I was thinking about.

I could have just made something up! But _oh no_, stupid rebellious mind wouldn't think of anything! So I began to explain my whole thought process that led me to that point, starting with the sigh of relief that Russia had stopped staring at me! And Al, if you are thinking that is bad enough well let me warn you it gets much worse; When I realized what I was saying I started to explain the whole saga using Shatner Speak, seriously, "And then, we had, this, totally epic, battle, with light…sabers" etc.

I tried Shatner talk on Russia! He just asked me if I was in pain. It was _seriously_ embarrassing. I genuinely would like to become his friend but I doubt I'll ever be able to show my face again in Russia's house. He must think I am totally batshit crazy. _Maybe I am_. I think I'm having an existential crisis Al! Prussia keeps going on about his badass trio or whatever he called it and I thought Russia could join us; we could be the kick-ass trio! Three is the magic number.

Three Amigos

Kirk, Bones and Spock

Harry, Ron and Hermione

Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia

Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg and Magrat

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli

Blondie, Angel eyes and Tuco

Okay, I've lost my thread now. Europe. Russia's house. Did you know that Ukraine's national flower is the sunflower? Well I just found out recently so I though I'd take some over as a present and a thank you but she told me to give them to Russia because he loved sunflowers so before I left I thanked him and presented them and he smiled without looking creepy. I almost screamed in fright due to how unexpected it all was. I'm sure I'm forgetting some other trauma but maybe I've blocked it out for my own mental wellbeing. Oh no, as I was saying goodbye I might have accidentally kneed Russia in the balls. It was an automatic reaction, he hugged me! What was I supposed to do? Worse still he had been going to hug his sister _again_ but she had skipped behind me. It was very awkward and more than a little dangerous.

I went to visit Francis briefly. He is able to move without limping now but he was a lot warier than normal around me so my personal space was not invaded once! I'm certain though that one night I could hear Arthur screaming. It was really faint though. Francis says that's been happening a lot lately but he looked far too pleased with himself. So I left him a small parting gift…its better if you don't know.

I'm ready to drop so I'm going to go and get some rest. At least I don't need to worry about Prussia turning up unannounced any time soon.

Night,

Mattie

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Alfred

Subject – America Fuck Yeah!

Wow Mattie for fuck sake put down the maple syrup!

That my dearest brother was what we in the know call a fucking awesome eat-your-face-off Honey Badger. Oh I can hear your laughter in D.C. as you read this but seriously bro they are like Wolverines on speed. Crazy shit goes down when there be honey Badgers around!

Okay so I shall narrate the tale to you; picture this, a peaceful day at home…

_It was then that the nefarious Prussia did come a calling on the hero America but little did the villainous brute know that America had a surprise in store for him! The brave America had know that today was the day that Prussia would try it on and heroic America firmly resolved to revenge himself against the lascivious thoughts of the blackest heart his shores had ever seen. America contacted gallant Kenya who was extremely sympathetic to his woes and promised to provide him with a creature of volatile nature and great renown post haste! America feared the creature would arrive too late to save his precious maidenhead but as the day was fast approaching and only one night more was left before the call of the devil, the creature arrived in all its vicious glory. America's honour was to be saved! America greeted the blackguard in his usual gracious manner and no sooner had Prussia entered his hallowed halls than he tried to pinch his ass-eth and kisseth his lips! The hero was raging with the fire of a thousand flaming suns but forced a smile on his face and asked Prussia if he liked honey. Prussia eagerly professed a profound love of honey seeing it would please fair, heroic America. The brave hero America whispered to the villainous Prussia that he would like nothing more than for Prussia to bathe in milk and honey like the great Cleopatra. Lecherous Prussia was quick to agree to such an arrangement and having divested himself of his clothes bathed in the honey and milk America had readied in his bathroom. I pause here, reader, to stress how great the Heroes woe at having to witness such an unholy vision, pity him for the trials he bears in the name of justice! America the hero informed Prussia he would await him in the garden, Prussia would soon be done with his bathing and so America had no time to spare. The brave hero scaled the tree where hid the caged mammal of hellish renown, he waited with bated breath for an indecent Prussia to exit the house, making sure the doors locked behind him through remote control magic because it would not do to have the heroes house wrecked by the badger. He opened the cage of the animal that had been deprived of a meal for some substantial period of time and watched in awe as the beast raced over the ground in all its bow-legged glory to set upon the hated enemy. Brave America then made sure he got excellent footage of a naked Prussia being chased around and mauled by an ugly asseth badger with an attitude problem. And that is the epic saga of how the hero protected his honour and toppled the horrible Prussia all the while getting a hilarious video and no doubt making obscene amounts of coineth._

The best bit was his expression. He thought it was going to be some kinky shit or something and then this enraged badger from hell came chasing after him trying to bite him in the balls and he couldn't even run properly on his tree conquered leg, he was hobbling about rather fast though. I think I can die happy after seeing that. I particularly liked when he jumped into the water and not only did the badger follow him but the alligator I put there bit his foot. It was a little unfortunate that the two animals near ripped each other to shreds after that. I swore a little and asked him what the hell that was and I think he bought it, he tried it on again at any rate but I told him to go bathe in antiseptic and put some clothes on cause he'd to go to the hospital. I didn't really put antiseptic in the bath though it was just water with trace elements of vinegar and…salt. He broke my mirror with his screaming! I don't think he appreciates the monetary toll this is taking on us, he's extremely inconsiderate the ass.

Yeah it'll be hard to top because I am Genius but the fun is in the trying as they say. Or sex. Maybe it was sex after all.

Ah yes the chick with the massive rack, come on Mattie admit it, they're rather impressive. Of course I meant it affectionately, read the comment again, how could it possibly be taken any other way? Pfft Russia certainly seems to think he isn't 'little' in any way but I think he's trying to compensate for something.

That battle was sweet. The part when Arthur came out of his meeting with the queen and you accidentally tore that tapestry off the wall and it fell over them is like a historic event. Taught Arthur that carpets on the wall are just lame though, didn't it? You Shatnered Russia and kicked him in the balls? Classic move bro! But God Mattie you have a MAJOR man-crush on Russia, you do realise this? You sound like a teenage girl writing a diary entry about the 'cool guy who just doesn't see them for what they are'. Fuck, you seem jealous of his sister! You might as well start wearing pigtails and cheering. Talk about the in-law from hell man, think of your brother before falling in love with scary psychotic villains! We are not forming a trio with Russia, what's wrong with being the Terrible Twin's?

Hmmm maybe we should go and visit Arthur, just to see what's going on with him and see how we can make it worse. Ireland was going to visit but she's not sure she can make it now, could pay her and the brothers a visit while there…just to further piss off Arthur. Yeah, lets do that Mattie!

Alfred

* * *

To – Matthew

From – Ivan

Subject – Sunflowers

Ah, Matvey, that is your name da? I wanted to thank you for the sunflowers. You are a strange country. I hope you are feeling better now, I know how tiring madness can be, my sister displays many of the symptoms. I recommend Vodka, your weak beer will not help at all.

Ivan

* * *

* She Walks In Beauty – Poem by Lord Byron. He had quite the reputation in regency England as a bit of a rouge, he considered it a romantic so maybe Francis isn't far off in his approach.

** Dead poets are rolling in their graves, although that was kind of the point, despite this I still feel guilty.

*** Porphyria's Lover – Poem by Robert Browning about a male who strangles his lover.

Oh my don't ask where all the sci-fi references came from. I love Shatner talk though, everything sounds more Epic in Shatner talk!

Sorry for the length. Reviews and criticisms appreciated!


	5. From Prussia With Determination

A big thanks to **Hopeindarkness, Little-Harlequin, ShadowFire52 and Rasalynnlynx** for their lovely reviews they are greatly appreciated! Thanks for the Faves and Alerts! I was hoping this update would have been up faster but I forgot I had something on and had to go off for the day. I can't sleep though so I've tried to use the time semi-productively, hence the strange update time.

I've done some editing to this chapter but not as much as I planned so I'm not sure how it has turned out and a few details I wanted to include have been set aside for the next couple of chapters. You know your Fic is verging on crack when you worry that your chapter is 'to plotty'.

Scotland features in this chapter and Wales is mentioned. Scotland has a change of personality. I'll explain at the end.

Disclaimer - Do Not Own Hetalia.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 5 – From Prussia with Determination**

**

* * *

**

To – Francis

C.c. – Antonio

From – Gilbert

Subject – What Have I started?

They are evil. I am sure of it. Devils. I am almost certain they are doing it on purpose! I am writing to you from an extremely un-awesome hospital bed. An Alligator amongst other things bit me and since I was in dirty water at the time my wound got infected and I'm on intensive antibiotic treatment for septicemia! I didn't even get anything out of it! Oh and a hard taught lesson if you are asked to take a naked honey bath DO NOT DO IT. Also, badgers are evil. You can thank me later.

I _will_ get what I want from America and Canada even if it means certain death and in this case death seems to be close to certain. On the upside Russia and Canada have had a meeting so things are progressing on that front. Would you check on Gilibird for me Francis? He is not allowed in the hospital with me.

Gilbert – the only man who can make illness look awesome

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Francis

Subject – How Hard Is It For You Not to Get Injured?

I am sorry to hear about your predicament mon ami. I am glad you are equal to continuing as I am greatly anticipating defeating you. I am getting on great with my seduction of Arthur; he has even sent me poetry! Oh he is still sulking but I can tell he is coming around…it shall not be long now!

Wales is not being as compliant as I thought he would be, he did not take kindly to me comparing his eyebrow's to his brothers and noting a family resemblance. It seemed to greatly upset him. I shall try to dissuade Ireland from traveling to America next but I am not giving up on Wales just yet, such a beautiful boy.

I don't see what you can possibly have against naked honey baths, or why you are mentioning badgers. Are you sure you did not hit your head Gilbert? You are not making much sense.

Francis

* * *

To – Vash

From – Gilbert

Subject – Visit

Vash I am coming to visit you.

Awesome

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Vash

Subject – re:Vsit

No you are not.

- Idiot

* * *

To – Vash

From – Gilbert

Subject – Come Now

It'll piss off Austria.

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Vash

Subject – Whatever

See you later.

* * *

To – Francis

From – Donald

Subject – Bloody Bastard

Don't take this the wrong way but you're a fucking Muppet. With a capital M.

Actually do take it the wrong way. I _meant_ it the wrong way.

You fully deserved that. Don't go near her again or you'll have me to answer to, okay? You really have a special skill for taking things too far and I know the way your mind works so I'll clarify; that wasn't a bastarding compliment! Oh and as much as I like hearing Arthur's cries of rage it does get tiring after a whole bloody week of having to listen to it so just back off and let the rest of us get some peace.

Donald

* * *

To – Donald

From – Francis

Subject – Do Not Fret

Ah Mon cheri are you feeling left out? I was coming to visit my favourite little country next. Leave the best to last as they say. Why are you so angry with me we have always been good friends, oui? Very good friends at one time if I recall correctly and I always recall correctly when it comes to _friendship_. You are not jealous of your brother are you? Or perhaps you are angry that I had such an effect on your lady love?

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Donald

Subject – The Auld Alliance

Och aye but times change. I'll tell you what I'll help you out for old times sake since we were such close friends and on the condition that you leave Ireland well alone. She is capable of handling herself but I suspect getting a pike through the shoulder is not a big enough hint for you. I'll write to Artair and tell him that under no circumstances is he to entertain you and you know him well enough, the snotty wee Sassenach never listens to his elders and betters. Go see him about your wound and it'll give him an excuse to 'suffer' your company and if I tell him not to see you he'll probably visit you of his own accord. I hear you're after Wales as well, are you trying to collect us? I know when mischief is being done so you just better think about what you're doing and if it's anything that I won't like I hope you have eyes on the back of your head Francis because by God you'll need them. Just don't compare Wales to his brathair again, people often confuse them he doesn't like it.

Right ma tha I think I've helped you enough for one day.

Domhnall

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Donald

Subject – A Friendly Warning

Don't get yourself in a burach, Artair, stay well away from Francis. That's an order from your brathair!

Domhnall

* * *

To – Donald

From – Francis

Subject – Ah, Success!

Merci mon cheri you are a good friend after all! Arthur let me in and bandaged my shoulder with the minimum amount of violence and only a light verbal assault. He seemed rather distracted but that was no doubt due to your correspondence, I am sure he is not used to brotherly advice from you. As long as he doesn't suspect anything it shall be fine. I find this injury is doing wonders, be sure to thank Ireland for me! Would you perhaps like something in return, any _services_ I could render?

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Donald

Subject – What I'd Like in Return

Yes, peace.

Domhnall

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Francis

Subject – Excellent Progress

I hope it will cheer you up to learn that things are going very well with Arthur. It may have taken a near mortal wound for him to start to acknowledge his feelings but at least he is now admitting the truth to himself. Not long now. I fail to see how you haven't got further with the North American's considering all the wounds you have received in your efforts at seduction, this _one_ has been very good to me. Wales was extremely sympathetic when I told him his beastly brother had attacked me. _Very _comforting. I suppose that means I am winning, oui?

Francis

* * *

To – Arthur

From – Donald

Subject – Time For Some Wales Watching

I am glad to see you took my advice and refused to fraternize with that unrepentant fool Francis. If only your brathair was as sensible and listened to my well meant council. He will regret this no doubt, you know what a philanderer that Frenchman is. Just keep an eye on him and if he seems near to snapping you better let me know.

Domhnall

* * *

To – Romano

From – Arthur

Subject – Desperate Times…

About that offer: I accept.

Arthur

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Antonio

Subject – Start Running Amigo

You deserve whatever pain it is you are suffering. Romano still refuses to talk with me but despite this he has had the most evil smirk I have ever witnessed on his face this past day. He is not even bothering to glare at me; he is not bothering with me at all, even when provoked! I am not happy. I think he is up to something. Feliciano is being very sympathetic but he keeps dragging his brother out to talk to all the girls in the village. Romano will not even sleep in my bed, it is very frustrating, he sleeps with his brother instead.

Antonio

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Romano

Subject – Don't Tell Spain Or Else

Fratello I am going to be meeting a friend who is in France at the moment so I will be away for the day. He will be staying over with me tonight so I'll be in my own room. Don't tell Spain until later Fratello or I will tell Germany that you hate him and never want him to speak to you again and that he is an ugly bastard who should hurry up and throw himself off a cliff.

Romano

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Feliciano

Subject – Ve~

Ah Germany I am sensing things are going to get critical here within the next day. Romano has gone off and told me not to let Antonio know he is meeting some friend who is going to stay over the night! Antonio is going to freak out and I am going to have to try and calm him down. I have a very bad feeling about all of this. I wish Germany was here to help.

Feliciano

P.S. If Romano says I hate you please don't listen to him.

P.P.S. I don't think you are an 'ugly bastard', you are very handsome.

P.P.P.S. Do not throw yourself off a cliff! It would be extremely upsetting.

* * *

To – Francis

From – Antonio

Subject – Get. Over. Here. NOW!

What the fuck are you doing Francis? Why has Arthur just turned up at my house with Romano? He is supposed to be spending the night here! When I told Romano under no circumstances was Arthur staying here they both hit me! At the same time! I thought you were seducing him? Why are you letting him anywhere near my little Romano? His room is next door, NEXT DOOR! If I hear any activity coming from that room tonight I swear I will tear you limb from limb and cook you slowly over a fire like the pig you are! You must have done something to upset him otherwise why would he bother with Romano? They have never been that friendly before. You better come over here and get him, as far as I am concerned he is your responsibility.

* * *

To – Antonio

From – Francis

Subject – Relax and Take Deep Breaths

Mon ami I do not know why Arthur would do such a thing! I have started to get somewhere with him, he is obviously just self-conscious about his feelings and looking for a distraction. I would not worry; he will come back to me once he has finished trying to make me insanely jealous. I am going to keep my distance from him and I am confident he will come to me. Romano is just trying to do the same and it is very obviously working. Let him be, if you do not react it shall make him angry and he will soon start trying to pursue you instead of gloating over his victory.

Come and visit me, we will go out and share some fine wine and you can stay over, that will annoy him even more I'm sure. You really have nothing to worry about Antonio, Arthur and Romano are far too similar to ever have a stable working relationship. Oh and have I already mentioned that Arthur loves me?

Would people please stop threatening to kill and cook me, it is very disconcerting! I am sure I would taste nothing but sweet but it is not a pleasant thought.

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Antonio

Subject – Arthur Loves You Only In Your Unspeakable Dreams

I am not a complete idiot Francis, stay at yours drunk? When did that ever have a good outcome for anyone but you? Think! You must have done something to cause Arthur to do this it is not like him at all and you know it as much as you try to pass it off. From Romano's point of view it makes sense to ask Arthur considering our history but there is no reason for Arthur to do this to me, we do not fight much at all now and why would he want to get at me? No he knew I'd tell you, he expected you to find out so it stands to reason that it is because of something you have done.

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Feliciano

Subject – LOUD DISTURBING NOISES

Oh my, was I ever right! I can hear Romano and Arthur from across the hallway and it is not something that I ever wished to hear from my fratello! Spain is worrying me, his bedroom is much closer and I was expecting to at least hear hysterical crying but I don't hear anything. I think I'm going to have to check up on him, he loves Romano to distraction and I am scared he will hurt himself! Germany said that England would be too busy to bother with Romano!

Feliciano

* * *

To – Antonio

From – Francis

Subject – I Am A Martyr – Persecuted!

It is not my fault! Why must everything be blamed on me? It is very unfair! The last time I spoke to Arthur he was dressing my shoulder after Ireland put a pike through it! All that I have done that could have possibly upset him since then is sleep with his brother and really the chances of him finding that out are nonexistent. They do not talk to each other and his brother would get nothing out of it at all since he thinks Arthur was the one to harm me in the first place. It is not like him to get on to his brother either he usually just tries to ignore his existence.

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Antonio

Subject – Oh Look You Slept With His Brother How Completely _misunderstood!_

Francis you are one hell of an idiot! Santa Maria what am I going to do? Obviously he has found out one-way or another, someone must have let him know! Did you really need to sleep with his brother? Ah don't bother answering that of course you did he has a pulse after all. This is all Gilberts fault, he always talks us into these ridiculous schemes and this one is going spectacularly wrong. You better hope that next time I see the both of you I feel less murderous.

Antonio

* * *

To – Donald

From – Francis

Subject – I Am Wounded

It was you! How could you? I thought we were friends! How did you even find out? You are the only person that could have possibly caused this mess, he has run off to another now and Antonio is very upset, are you happy with yourself?

Francis

* * *

To – Francis

From – Donald

Subject – The Thanks I get

Trust me on this one _mo ghraidh_, I know my brathair well and I know what I am doing. I'm keeping an eye on my brothers obviously because I know you are up to something. I'm not doing anything to prevent you from settling down in the future - God knows it would make a hell of a lot of peoples lives that much quieter. He'll be back, give him space like I told you to. America and Canada are going to be visiting soon and I think they have something planned and when they do whatever it is they are going to do I'm sure Arthur will flee in horror. I think that when the inevitable happens you should tread carefully though if you truly do want to have a relationship with him. You want him to trust you at least a wee bit.

Domhnall

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Romano

Subject – Not Man Enough

Should have paid more attention to my idiot fratello potato bastard maybe that way he wouldn't have felt the need to sleep naked in Spain's bed. God knows what they were doing; fratello can be quiet when he wants to be. You're obviously not enough for him after all. When he complained that you hardly ever answered his mail I really didn't think he hated you this much. Maybe you don't care either way, you never seem to show him half as much affection as he obnoxiously shows you. Oh well I thought you'd at least like to know what he was up to without you around to mind him.

Romano

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Romano

Subject – You Are Mistaken

I…we don't have that kind of relationship…we are just close friends. He just likes to sleep naked and he was trying to comfort Spain because of you, it is normal for him. He ran across Europe naked after you told him that I hated him.

Ludwig

* * *

To – Ludwig

From – Romano

Subject – Che, You Are an Ox-Brained Moron

You can drop the act bastard I'm not blind. I know you are more than a little bit friendly and you know he means much more to you than that so don't even try to deny it. I thought he felt the same way and maybe he does but you're obviously doing something wrong if he'll so easily turn to Spain like that, so don't blame me for you problems. I don't think there was much sleep going on Germany, but you can ignore the blatantly obvious if it makes you feel better.

Romano

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Ludwig

Subject – One is Going to Simply Tank into Spain

Gilbert I am going to kill that useless friend of yours - I think he has taken advantage of Feliciano, he was supposed to be looking after him! Where did you put my tank? I know you had it last.

Ludwig

* * *

To – Antonio

From – Gilbert

Subject – Bruder is in Kill Mode

About that heads up well I think West is going to murder you, _brutally_ murder you. Did you really sleep with Feliciano? I honestly thought he wouldn't let you he's so obsessed with bruder. Oh well, just watch out. And for the record Antonio, you always sound so creepy when you are talking about Romano. I'm going to assume he finds it off putting. Just a thought.

Gilbert the Awesomely Amused

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Antonio

Subject – Go Fuck Yourself

Oh gee thanks Gilbert you're such a good friend. If I survive this _I'm going to get you_. Wouldn't you like to know? I can't believe I was so stupid! Of course this isn't about some stupid competition, it's about Feliciano isn't it? I know you like him but your hermano is always in the way, right? Were you hoping that something like this was going to happen? And you think _I'm_ the creepy one! Ah I really can't talk to you right now the urge to murder you is too strong. I checked the hospital and I know you're not there any more but I am going to catch up to you compadre.

Antonio

* * *

To – Kiku

From – Arthur

Subject – In A Bit Of a Predicament Old Chap

I've maybe made a bit of a mistake. Oh God I have done something that doesn't even come close to the way a proper gentleman should behave! It is all the frogs fault, him and his stupid e-mails and declarations of love - they were driving me crazy! I told him to piss off but would he listen? He was laughing at me the whole time, slept with my brother the arse. I couldn't just let him have the last laugh so I thought (or rather I didn't think) I'd get my own revenge to show him how little I cared about the whole situation, which in hindsight was maybe not the course to take. I slept with Romano and now Spain wants me dead and Feliciano is caught up in something with him and Germany seems ready to go to war over it! Ah it is a complete shambles. I was so foolish and _so very sloshed_; it was done in humiliation and drink! What do you suggest I do?

Arthur

* * *

To – Feliciano

From – Romano

Subject – This Is Not an End to Hostilities

Don't think I am talking to you fratello this is just a warning! The potato bastard is not happy that you slept with that fucker. You shouldn't cheat on your boyfriend fratello.

Romano

* * *

To – Romano

From – Feliciano

Subject – Fratello, please!

Romano don't be so mean of course I didn't do anything with big brother Spain! I was just making sure he was okay since you were being so mean towards him. Germany is not my boyfriend! We are just close friends, I don't think he really likes it when I annoy him that much and he always seems angry when I sneak into his bed. It is very hurtful of you to accuse me of such a thing, I'd never hurt Germany but I don't think he'd come all the way over here for something like that. It would be more like him to just ignore me; he is not very good with his feelings. It is like the pot calling the kettle black you saying that to me, you knew you where hurting Spain's feelings, why did you have to do that!

Feliciano

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Elisaveta

Subject – You Are Up To Something

Okay Gilbert what are you up to? I know you are up to something. You haven't harassed Austria once in the last two weeks and that is abnormal for you. I haven't had to hit you for a month and I know something is wrong when I haven't hit you at least once a month. Not only that but there are a lot of countries that have seemingly got very stirred up as if by magic. Europe is exploding into a flurry of fighting nations! France and England are fighting, France and Ireland have come to blows, Scotland actually got in touch with his brother because he was making so much noise, Wales has almost started a war with France and that's just France, Ireland and the UK!

Now on the continent there is some trouble with South Italy and Spain and North Italy is caught up in it somehow, Germany is threatening to kill Spain and Austria can't get any peace to play his music because Germany keeps storming in and interrupting him. And that's not even all is it? Something is going on in Eastern Europe as well! No one has seen Lithuania in over a week, Poland won't make any comment on the matter, Belarus broke Latvia's collarbone over some kind of prank towards Russia, which does not sound like Latvia! Need I go on? God only knows how many more people are tangled up in whatever this is! I hear you've been visiting North America a lot recently and I can't imagine why you'd want to do that, you better not be dragging them into this as well. Answers, Gilbert, or I will smash your skull in two with my frying pan before handing what remains of you over to Ivan as the culprit behind the prank that got his hopes up over Ukraine living with him.

I am hunting you down as you're reading this so get typing chump.

Elisaveta

* * *

To – Gilbert

From – Vash

Subject – You Sudden Unannounced Disappearance

Where the hell did you go? Oh don't get me wrong I am happy to be rid of you so quickly but talk about ungrateful! Incidentally, if Liechtenstein heard any of that I WILL KILL YOU.

Vash

* * *

To – Vash

From – Gilbert

Subject – Matter of Life and Death

Ah, sorry Vash, I got a very threatening message and had to put some distance between my awesome self and the deranged sender. You know you love it Vash, you'd never kill me. I'll be back to visit you again once it's safe.

Gilbert the Awesome but hunted

* * *

Basically I have managed to gift Scotland with a split personality. The way I see it there are the Lowlands and the Highlands and I just thought I'd play a bit with the cultural differences. The actualy underlying personality is not that much different. Couldn't have made things simple, oh no, cause that would be simple and I like to confuse myself apparently.

Artair – Arthur

Sassenach – Englishman (sometimes used by highlanders to describe lowlanders as well.)

Ma Tha – Then

Domhnall – Donald

Burach – Mess

Brathair – Brother

Mo Ghraidh – My Love

Reviews and criticisms are appreciated!


	6. In Which America Goes Too Far

A big thanks to **Rasalynnlynx, ShadowFire52, BronzeButterfly18, Yuki Shihoin** and **Night 13** for their reviews! Thanks too for all the faves and alerts.

Right on to answers Night13 brought up a couple of points I think it would be good do deal with! I don't know how to explain everything without spoiling future plot (yeah I know there is a plot lurking about somewhere, I think) - surprising) points so I'll try to be as revealing as possible without giving too much away. This mainly references the last two chapters and has some relevance to the next couple.

Russia – there will be some development with him but Matthew was just on edge and I really don't think Alfred would let him join them, plus I don't think Russia could be subtle enough. I might be mistaken about the national flowers I came across it a while ago, I'll have to look it up!

I think as well as being awesome Prussia is really determined and good at bouncing back. No need to apologise I really enjoy hearing what people think about what it is I have written, as dicey as my writing can be.

Romano mafia dudes…I have to admit I'm mightily tempted.

How do they know what's happening? That's a really good question. Some of them are just shrewd and pay a lot of attention to what is going on around them and what involves the people they know (like Hungary) some are being sneaky and getting in touch with various people to find things out. (Not only by e-mail which is why its not always portrayed on screen, some countries are in touch by phone and see each other regularly etc.). I hope that helps slightly.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 6 – In Which America Goes too Far**

**

* * *

**

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Who Even Knows Anymore**

You're not going into a pirate phase again, promise me you're not Al because I did not enjoy getting lost at sea last time and don't intend to do it again.

Do you realize how gay you made yourself sound in that last e-mail? I mean my supposed man-crush sounds a lot less gay than your strange exposition, 'maidenhead', 'fair America'. Oh and I DO NOT have a 'massive' crush of any kind on Russia. I don't see how wanting to make friends with someone qualifies in your world as wanting to fuck them, plus, earth to Al, every hero needs a villain it's like a law…not that I think Russia is a villain or anything. Oh and by the by when I do decide I'm in love with someone I am not going to be asking you for an approval rating so whatever you think of your in-laws you'll just have to deal. _Aaawwww._

On the subject of Russia, I actually got a message from him. He thinks I'm mad like his sister and recommends Vodka. Strong Alcohol, to cure madness? I mean, really, does he see no irony in the whole exchange? I suppose nobody wanted to tell the scariest nation on earth that he is crazier than a large sack of demented weasels.

I think it's the fun is in the taking part actually but frankly sex makes a lot more sense.

I was thinking we should stop using animals in our pranks. I mean every one so far has involved Prussia being mauled by some kind of highly dangerous beast, well except for the tree thing, but I feel we need to look for a new angle because it'll be hard to keep messing with him if he's dead.

I have nothing better to do and I highly doubt Arthur will even notice I'm there; it'll give us a chance to plan something at the very least.

Matthew

P.S. The problem with the 'terrible twins' is that most people have a hard time remembering my existence, Al. Admittedly being in a trio with two large rival nations might not be the best way to go either.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – There Be No Pirates Here!**

Oh please Mattie that was the single most spectacular trip you've ever been on in your life! That was truly something we never could have planned for, although it might have been more comfortable if we had planned for it, I did not appreciate running out of hamburgers two days after being lost at sea. Plus remember Snap that totally bitchin' turtle? That dude was fucking hilarious!

Geez, you're right, so many of our tales seem to involve strange animals. We obviously have a special connection with nature.

Is gay now codeword for well magic? Cause if it is I'm guilty as charged baby. That 'exposition' was pure, unadulterated cool. You've just as much as admitted that you want Russia as your life long special friend. I don't think that you only make friends with people that you'd like to fuck senseless but in this case it is the truth. Also I don't know why you're complaining that Russia thinks you are crazy, _you_ thought you were crazy the other day, do the words 'existential crisis' seem at all familiar to you? Hello pot meet Mattie.

As for Prussia maybe we should lock him in a cupboard for a few hours and then film the outcome…I imagine it'd get messy. No animals involved in that one. Never fear, plan something we shall and not just for Prussia but for dear old Arthur as well. I have an inkling of a plan and I think you will enjoy it, trust me on this one. It would totally ruin it if I revealed the details too soon but it will be epic, how can it not be?

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – You Always Know the Right Thing To Say, Eh?**

Okay well if we get lost at sea again or in any other location due to your misguided sense of adventure and we have no food and I am feeling a little peckish I will eat your leg faster than you can say 'just like chicken'. Snap was interesting; I'll give you that. Special connection with nature? I think you mean especially bizarre connection with nature.

I said no such thing! I didn't even imply it! I do not want to marry Russia okay? Enough already. I was just pointing out that when all is said and done you have no place in my decision making process, I am not having you go crazy overprotective twin. Oh and would you please stop being so vulgar?

Too far, Al, too far. I mean the other pranks are just potentially lethal but that…that is humiliating. You've crossed the line into supervillain territory. Definite no. I'm not opposed to messing with Arthur a little but I do not like the sound of whatever it is you have come up with. My instincts are telling me to cut off all contact with you and go into hiding and it really does not help when you ask me to 'trust you' I then know I should already be running.

When are we going? Should maybe have asked that question in the first place.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Chillax Mathilda, My Plan is Golden**

Well Mattie since you seem to have all the answers, what do you suggest we do next? Calling me a villain was really beneath you bro, I hope you are ashamed at offending the hero in such a disgusting way. Next time your beaver decides to chow down on your house I'll not save you from falling trees. Except I will because I'm the hero and am cool like that.

Bro the more you try to deny your love of the commie bastard the more sure I am of it. You should care what I think! I know about these things - listen to big brother for he is watching you! Should I take this opportunity to point out that it was you who was being vulgar in the first place, you said it bro, you said it. _I_ just picked up on it. Interesting that you said it in connection with a certain someone though.

Really it is nothing to worry about, there are no wild animals, no potentially lethal situations, no elaborate traps, nothing at all like that. The only reason I can't tell you the whole of the plan now is that it would ruin it, it kind of relies on the right kind of expression. Donald had to go to Wales to check on Bryn, I had him relate certain information pertaining to Arthur's upcoming schedule so everything should be perfect. Have a bit of faith in your heroic brother.

We leave four days from now. Come meet me here, it's been ages since you last visited and we can leave together. I could do with help carrying food supplies; you know what food is like at Arthur's.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – You Can Be Pinky**

The same thing we always do next…try to take over the world!

Big Brother is watching you? Way to be creepy Al. You make it sound like you saved me the first time that tree fell on my house but you weren't even there! I admit I was maybe the one who was slightly vulgar but only because of what you were implying! I didn't mean it as a confirmation. And how many times Al, just because he calls you comrade does not mean he is a communist! He does it to wind you up, I'm sure of it.

I am going to go against all of my instincts, not to mention my better judgment, and join you in whatever you plan but it better not be anything I won't like or I will hold you responsible and there will be…repercussions.

Fine I'll come down tomorrow. Please Al, do not make any jokes about bombs on the plane or snakes on the plane, in fact just don't mention anything connected to the plane. I will not have a repeat of last time, full body searches are a violation of privacy and I know you did it on purpose otherwise why the hell would you have shoved a snake down the front of your trousers? And no one found any of your innuendoes the least bit funny.

Matthew

P.S. Help you carry food supplies? Stop using Arthur's cooking as an excuse you just want to bring a shitload of fast food with you.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Make it Right**

I am deeply sorry to hear about your current difficulties Arthur-san but I feel compelled to warn you that being the old man that I am there is not much I can do for you. You are always welcome to visit me if you need to get away but you will just be putting off the inevitable confrontation that is going to eventually take place.

I will offer you this advice and hope that it is of use – propose to Romano-san because it is not fair to use him in such a way and then leave him to deal with the fallout. Though your actions may not have been gentlemanly you have had time to reflect and you can put to right any wrongs that you may have been the cause of. Also Arthur-san, I think you should examine your motivations more deeply because I fear you are deluding yourself somewhat. It is not like you to take such action over Francis-san merely embarrassing you and nor is it typical of you to not just confront him directly.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Howdy**

Meet me downstairs in…twenty minutes, time to make our presence known to Lord Arthur himself. I am expecting him to greatly enjoy our enthusiastic welcome. Let's show him we care. Leave Kuma in your room though cause it'll be easier without her underfoot. Oh and come down in only your boxers cause I have something for you to wear. It's very cool. Right see you in ten, twenty, see you soon!

Al

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – DIE**

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU MASSIVE FUCKING DICK!

You are so far away from the line it may as well not even exist Al, that was the single most humiliating experience of my entire history! Plus I'm Canada, bitch, you even managed to get it geographically wrong! What happened to something cool to wear, EH!

If I'd know that's what you intended to do with those hats I would have burnt them on the spot. I'll never be able to watch a western again!

Oh God if Arthur survives this whole ordeal, which I am not at all hopeful about then I will never be able to look him in the face again. For as long as I exist. Ever! I knew I should have run when I had the chance, why did I trust you? Well brother I can tell you this, I will never trust you again. Oh and one day when you least expect it I will get you back for this you son of a bitch!

Matthew who is going get you!

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Howdy Pad'ner**

I thought its size was rather impressive as well, I am glad you agree.

What is it with you and lines? We are brothers so calling me a son of a bitch is a little counter-productive, I'm just pointing out that you are shooting yourself in the foot there a little. As for geography, now come on Mattie it would never have worked the other way around it's just not believable. I mean you said it yourself - you've got a female beaver! Wouldn't have been convincing. I did give you something cool to wear, the cowboy hat, plus it was rather cold with no clothes on so you were also 'cool' as in cold, get it? On the upside bro, maybe Arthur will remember who you are from now on.

I think you are overreacting Mattie, I mean you did see Arthur's face right? Was it not worth seeing his face turn green like that? And being sick on the Queen's shoes? Then looking up again and being sick all over his PM, how could you not appreciate that? I did it for you Mattie, it was all for you. If you are embarrassed there really is no need you are substantially endowed yourself, okay your proportions aren't as heroic as mine but you have nothing to worry about in that department.

Alfred

P.S. No need to 'get' me, you got me at massive fucking dick.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I Meant It…**

Metaphorically dipshit! I had an unfortunate look at what you're carrying and it is nothing to write home about. I nearly missed it. Bet you anything Russia's is massive compared to yours, no wonder you dislike him so much, threatened?

Nice try Alfred but we are nations it's not like we came out of the same fucking uterus, thank all that is holy. And I do, every day. You did it for me? Well that's whole levels creepier than big brother is watching you. Not to mention it's a massive bloody lie! You did it for you asshole - you are as big a perv as Francis except unlike him you don't have the goods to back it up.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Wha…?**

Matthew that was very hurtful. You think _I'm_ creepy, since when have you been staring at France's vital regions? Oh and that little rant about Russia? Looks like big brother was right after all cause if you didn't like him why are you even thinking about that? You're just trying to piss me off but I am confident enough not to pay any heed to your petty insults to my substantial manhood. You have your period Mattie? Cause you are PMSing all over the place. Not an attractive quality.

Arthur has left the building. I think he is going to get really _really _drunk. He was muttering under his breath about visiting his brother, we've actually managed to disturb him to the point that drinking with Scotland sounds like a good idea! That is an outstanding achievement, you should be proud and thanking me so stop sulking.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – From Now On I Will Tell Everyone I Meet That You Have (small) Man _and_ Lady Parts**

If you have never seen Francis naked then I'd have to assume you've never met him and I know that you have so it logically follows that you must have seem him naked at some point. You're still the creepiest, who thinks up a prank like that involving their brother, come on! Oh and PMSing, really? Very mature Alfred. I wonder what Hungary would make of that comment, or better yet, Ireland!

You go and visit Patricia like you planned and I am going to go and visit Donald because if I look at you sometime this century I will not be able to control my pent up Canadian rage. I will be borrowing a shinty stick off Donald just incase you decide to cross my path and it will be finding permanent lodging up your ass. You've seen the video featuring Francis so before you come near me you better ask yourself, _are you feeling lucky?_

Matthew

P.S. Oh it's 'manhood' now is it? What happened to your 'maidenhead'? Oh God, you are a hermaphrodite!

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – hdlhcncfoqeiks**

Tallk abouht Brokeback Mountainainain ehh, brother? Don't make mw go back theree please, preety pleash! The knight is yong, right, lemme go see whas' his face he always up for getting toad-faced…ahahahahaha toad like frogsh yeh? Your hair is preety, like red and shtuff. We can get aloong wellel. Imma get marryed jaaapan-sannsan says so. That whater of liff was good, whaddya call it again, more? Yeah moar lik now. Why'm I WRITING TO YOU OOOpps. I don't know, les go now.

Arthurth

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – So Long, Farewell, Toodle-oo, Goodbye**

Dearest Alfred,

This is the last time I shall ever write to you. I want you to know I am mostly proud of you and regret that I shall be leaving you behind on this harsh mortal plane.

This is your entire fault though so I hope my death haunts you till the end of your days.

The last correspondence of Arthur

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Git**

You are the whole reason that I am going to have to kill myself and let me tell you I am very tempted to take you down as well. What you did was so extremely inappropriate, not to mention downright wrong! You, sir, are no gentleman and never will be and if there is one thing that my death will at least grant me it is peace from your philandering and perverted ways. I hate you.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – I Am Starting to Suspect 'Git' is a Term of Endearment**

I can assure you mon cheri that is not what you were saying last night; indeed you were _dancing_ to a very different tune. I think you are just so upset by how thoroughly you enjoyed yourself - you have always hated being wrong, non? I should point out to you precious one that it was you who made the first move, not me, so blaming me for anything is extremely unfair. You will come to your senses and when you do my door shall be open so we can enjoy each other's company once more.

Your affectionate Francis

P.S. Take me down with you? Ah how thoughtful! You want me to be the last person you embrace upon earth, you can't stand to leave me behind!

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Drama Queen Much?**

Right Arthur, Toodle-oo in your supposed suicide note? Forgive me if I don't rush to your side in torment. It wasn't that bad, there are statues in your museum that reveal more than Matthew and I did. We did cover our privet parts up with the cowboy hats. Well, I covered Mattie's up with the Cowboy hat. It was not traumatizing enough to commit suicide over - this is just your hangover talking! You shouldn't have gone off drinking with your brother.

Alfred – totally not my fault

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Go to Hell**

You took advantage of a thoroughly drunk man! You are a bloody bastard.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – You Will Get Nothing In My Will**

I am so disappointed in you; I raised you as my son and look how ungrateful you are! You don't even care that I will soon be gone for good, you just mock me cruelly! Oh and as if I was going to include German in my death note, I fail to see what could possibly be the problem with toodle-oo.

No longer your father figure Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Grow A Pair, Will you?**

Dude chill the fuck out, it was hardly that bad, God you are PMSing harder than Mattie. Who you ask? Well guess what I'm disappointed in you as well cause you have totally disregarded Matthew once again. You'd think after all this you'd at least remember his name you asshat.

Toodle-oo? You seriously don't see the problem with including that in your death note, one of the last things you ever say, one of your chosen words for saying goodbye to the world? Man you are a lost cause.

Oh and you haven't been my father figure in a long time! You didn't exactly do a great job either cause I kicked your ass. BOSTON TEA PARTY FTW!

Alfred

P.S. As if i'd want anything you own.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – You Can Never Accuse Me of Dramatics Again!**

Arthur we were both drunk! You have managed to make this whole situation a lot less fun. Suicide notes and presenting yourself as some kind of victim! Tch, I was just expecting mild hysteria. Well since you are being such a killjoy I suppose I should explain a few things to you.

We never done anything! Do you know how hard that is for me to admit? You were the one who tried to initiate and you were the one to get naked first! I didn't want our relationship to start off like that though so I just put you to bed and went and slept in the guest room. Do you honestly suppose that if I had my wicked (and delightful) way with you I would have opted to sleep somewhere else? Did you not think it strange I was not in the bed with you? Honestly Arthur you are very dense at times.

Another point to note is that if anything had happened you wouldn't have so easily been able to leave the next day. You would have had a marked problem walking in case I was being too subtle there.

I know you like to pretend otherwise but I do have some morals Arthur and I would not cheat with a newly engaged man! I always have a grace period before I feel it is once again acceptable to pursue my interests.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Oh Shit**

So_ nothing_ happened then?

Wait…WHAT?

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – It Shall Not Be Long Love**

You sound disappointed mon cheri. Nothing of significance happened. It's not what's on the outside but what's on the _inside _that counts, oui?

Please do not tell me you have forgotten last night's proposal to Romano? He was quite surprised that you proposed with a tomato but touched I think. Ah you are the worst when it comes to romance and matters of the heart! I am astounded he agreed. I had to take you home before Antonio killed you; he is building another armada as we speak.

Francis – sexually frustrated and heartbroken thanks to you

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – I Was Only Surprised That You Failed to Congratulate Me**

That is NOT what that expression means, why does it always fall to me to explain such things to you? I am not going to ask you for any details. Oh and you took disappointment from that? I wanted to kill myself when I thought we had slept together!

I…of course I remembered! Who wouldn't remember such an important event? I can be very romantic, frog, as you witnessed with the tomato. My Romano loves tomatoes…it was more original than a mere ring. I might have to get one of them as well though. Nothing is too much for my…wife to be.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Steve**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Bratty Mattie, Antagonised Arthur**

Hey Steve, I am seriously depressed bro, Mattie is being a little bitch at the moment, and totally overacting to a prank we pulled on Arthur the other night. I went to visit Patricia after that and do you know what he did to me? He forwarded her an e-mail in which I told him he was PMSing and she was not amused. God, can no one take a fucking joke all of a sudden? Well if there is one person who I know will be able to take a joke that person is you my friend. I have decided to just ignore Matthew while he is like this, until he snaps out of it and apologises to me. I did get a pike through my shoulder, I deserve an apology at the very least.

We, bro, are going to go out and get shit faced and have an all round epic time with no whinny brats around to distract or piss us off! Take that teddy bear that likes to piss all over the place, I like that little guy. We'll teach him to attack Polar Bears on sight.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Steve**

**Subject – G'Day!**

No worries Ally! I think you mean my Koala Bear, he can be a vicious little bugger so I'll leave him behind, Mattie would kill me if I got it to attack his fuzz ball. Sorry to hear of your troubles you can tell me what you and Mattie got up to maybe we can think of a solution together but for now I vote for beer and lots of it! I'll come over to your place. See ya mate.

Steve

* * *

**To – Bjorn**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Short Visit**

Eh, Hi, Norway. I was wondering if you'd mind me paying you a short visit? I was supposed to go home with Alfred tomorrow but we've had a bit of a disagreement so I've decided to extend my stay by a couple of days, thought I'd head north since we haven't spoken in a while. We could have a hockey head-to-head if you're up for it? I'm sure I'd just kick your ass again like last time but you should always aim high, yeah?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – You Are Going Down!**

Mattie! Long time no see friend, of course you have to come and stay with me, it'd be my pleasure. Don't talk shit though Mattie, I'll trounce you! Last time was just beginners luck or something, as if I could lose to you again! So, what happened with your brother, sounds intriguing – details for your soon to be host? Oh! And before I forget when'd you want to come, I'm always ready moose so it's up to you.

* * *

**To – Bjorn**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Oh It Is On!**

Attach - RageBrother

Eh, thanks…Norway, are you sure it's a good time for you, you don't seem yourself? Beginners luck, BEGINNERS LUCK? Canada founded modern Ice Hockey! I'm just better! It's not like you to be sore about such things. I was thinking of coming tomorrow since I would have been leaving here anyway.

I really recommend you look away now if you want to retain any sense of mental stability it truly is a harrowing tale. I had to phone my psychologist (who I have only talked to once before and it was because of Alfred that time as well, actually it was about Alfred, it was _his_ psychologist and he was extremely worried when Al told him he was a nation so according to various medical records Al is a schizophrenic - the guys obviously good.) and he suggested that I try to express it in another medium. I tried to express it through Hockey while visiting Donald but the ice was extremely thin and I ended up nearly catching hypothermia. We played some shinty but there is no skating involved and getting beat hardly made me feel any better. Donald suggested painting but I think he did that just to get a laugh because I am not a naturally talented artist (try not at all talented). Needless to say there was more pain on the floor and myself than on the canvas and everything descended into a paint fight, which naturally led to paintball, but then I was reminded of the traumatic event by Donald donning a cowboy hat and got mercilessly shot while in a shell-shocked state. Nothing was helping. Finally Donald suggested music and that seems to be helping so to cut a long explanation off before it grows a conscious of its own I have attached for you the tune I have composed to explain the narrative and express my feelings. I'm quite proud of it.

Matthew

P.S. Please don't ever call me 'moose' again or there will be _consequences_.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – Never Go Near An Instrument Again - or a Cow**

Hahahah! I forgot to say it's Denmark not Norway, I'm looking after my BFFs house for him while he swans off somewhere to do something…got to do with Finland and Estonia and Latvia and I think Russia might be involved as well, sounds like a mess man.

Come and visit though, Norway said he might be back in time to see you and he wants to catch up but now you know you'll be spending time with the coolness that is me you don't really care about that right?

Wow…fuck Mattie, what the hell was that? Please don't ever pick up an instrument ever again. I still have shit all idea about what actually happened, all I know is that it's possible you slowly killed a cow to obtain some of those sounds…did Alfred make you kill a cow, is that why you're upset? No offense Mattie but I don't think you've got a dazzling future waiting for you in the music business.

Mikkel

* * *

**To – Bjorn**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I Wish All He'd Made Me Do Was Kill a Cow**

Don't think I didn't notice you completely ignored my factual comment about the origin of ice hockey, but it all makes a lot more sense now since _you_ really are a sore loser.

I was not killing a cow, I just used the instruments Donald had to hand so it was a mixture of bagpipes, fiddle and some drum thing.

Why are you using his e-mail? Never mind, there are so may many situations were it is better to just not know and I have an instinctive feeling that this might be one of them. See you tomorrow then.

Matthew

* * *

**Steve – Australia**

**Bjorn – Norway**

**Mikkel - Denmark**

I ran into a little patch of writes block this week and found it very frustrating and now I won't be able to write for a few days since The Crippled God came out and I will be in reading mode until I've finished that. I have a bit of a hectic week ahead but I will try my best to get the next chapter up within a week if I haven't traumatized you all with this one. If all does not go well it may be a couple of days late. Sorry for the length of this one! I have edited but may have missed a couple of things, I have a horribly nagging feeling that I have. Reviews and Criticisms appreciated!


	7. Intermission! Interlude! Interval!

Intermission! Interlude! Interval! Other Things Beginning with In

After getting some questions and general confuddleution (real word…honest) I have added this intermission to explain a few things about the last chapter. I hummed and hawed over whether to provide a clearer explanation in-chapter but just decided to leave it as implication in case I hurt your brains more than usual so now I present this for clarification. I honestly do not know how this idea came to me in the first place and I probably should be thankful about that.

Thanks to **evilqueen13, Night13, RosalynnLynx, ShadowFire52, EEevee, Butterfly Ichihara** for their - Gilbert levels of awesome - reviews and comments and everyone who faved and alerted and read this story!

Some questions/points. Matt uses his invisibility to good purpose when it comes to pranks and because he is usually working in tandem with Alfred he is overshadowed by him and Alfred sticks in people's minds more. Some of the proposal will be hinted at in the next chapter but it might be a good way to explain it like this without saying too much – it turns out I like writing manipulative characters from the obvious to the less so and I also like twisting things around a lot so what is developing now might not be in the same state by the end, I'm a tricksy little hobbit. Most are working to their own agenda. I think in one of the last chapters there will be mafia involvement, when I say the end I don't mean they're all going to die in a rain of bullets…_or do I?_ The idea for the cowboy hats…I have no idea but I do worry about myself sometimes.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then It Is Excellent**

**Intermission! Interlude! Interval! Other Things Beginning with In**

**

* * *

**

The Explanation of Alfred F. Jones to the amused brothers of Arthur

**Video Link – Alfred F. Jones, Donald-Ruairidh, Brys Glyndwr and Fionn O'Neill**

**Alfred** - Oh it was a fateful day indeed, one that should have been filled with rejoicing at a trick done well, that ended in tragedy for all, but mostly for poor America who is always unfairly blamed for absolutely everything, oh the humanity!

**Fionn **– Poor you, can't imagine what that's like.

**Alfred** - The Hero America and his less heroic and sometimes really unfair brother Canada went one day to visit grumpy old England.

**Bryn** – He's not as stupid as he looks.

**Alfred** - HEY! England greeted his newcomers in a flustered and downright unfriendly manner and insisted that until he gave them permission they were under no circumstances to exit their rooms, even, he said cruelly, should there be a fire.

**Donald** – Is this supposed to be unusual for him? Can't say I'm convinced.

**Alfred** - STOP INTERUPPTING! America and Canada heard this and they knew it was bad. It was up to them to bring justice down upon cruel England. America displaying the brilliance for which he is renowned –

**Bryn** – Okay lets go with that then.

**Alfred** - …came up with an amusing plan designed to shock uptight England. America arranged to meet up with Canada and prepared for their show, selecting the cowboy hat he had fortuitously packed not envisioning at all the purpose he would put it to.

**Donald** – Blatant lies, Al, you had me check his fucking schedule, stop pretending to be all innocent you're not fooling anyone, you need Mattie around to see real misleading innocence.

**Alfred **– I can so fake innocence!

**Fionn **– Not really something worth getting upset over Allie.

**Alfred** – Why am I even talking to you three?

**Bryn** – A moment of rare intelligent insight

**Donald** – I promised you whisky, pictures of Arthur's embarrassing proposal and a copy of Mattie's song.

**Fionn **– Because I'm magic, who wouldn't want me around?

**Alfred** – I think I'm starting to understand why Mattie sometimes says he'd rather not know.

**Bryn** – Took you long enough.

**Alfred** – Seriously dude, not cool. Look you are just distracting me, shut up and listen and just let me get on with the damn tale, Asses. Okay the hero asked Mattie to meet him downstairs dressed only in his boxers explaning that he had a costume change for him and no matter what Matt the bratteth says to the contrary America did have an awesome costume for him – some costumes just contain less clothes than others!

**Fionn** – Or no clothes.

**Donald** – The best ones contain no clothes.

**Alfred** – Exactly, this was one of the best ones cause I am the hero and everything I do is the best. So Canada comes down as instructed and stares at America somewhat bewildered. He looks around and asks 'Why are you naked? ' America just gives him a roguish grin and points out he is in fact wearing a hat. Canada then asks where his clothes are and the hero gestures to said hat, earning further looks of incomprehension. The motion detector set up at the threshold of England's formal meeting room goes off and before Mattie can get a grasp on the situation America bravely grabs him and pulls his boxers down, using the cowboy hat to protect his brothers modesty, as the door opens and England and his bosses emerge from an important and no doubt excessively stuffy meeting, America bends Canada over and shouts a joyous YEE-HAW! At the top of his voice (being the hero he is America has an impressive vocal range and intensity). England freezes and takes in America's triumphant and blissful expression and misinterprets Canada's red face of rage and embarrassment for one of exertion and promptly projectile vomits all over his queen's shoes in an impressive oratory display. Looking up once more, and gaping he then tried to frame a query for the two victorious nations who had broken his cruel impositions and deciding he is too weak to even witness such a display is again sick, this time all over his president dude. It is funny and America laughs. The rest, my dear friends, is history.

**Donald** – Mattie is right, you really are that creepy.

**Fionn** – But kind of awesome

**Bryn **– Yeah one question though, why are you relating this in third person?

**Donald** – That is the question you want answered, really?

**Fionn** – I get it, gives it a more epic feel but it does make you sound like a dick Allie.

**Alfred** – Yeah well as long as I sound like an epic dick.

**Donald** – You always do.

**Alfred** – Thanks dude!

**Bryn** – And he's back…

* * *

**The Ballad of Matthew Williams**

Song writing with Canada and Denmark.

"Testing, testing…okay it's recording Mikkel.

"My name is Matthew Williams and before you have the chance to ask – I am Canada. I have decided to leave behind my life of huge and crushing responsibility to set up a folk band and tour the frozen north spreading my harrowing tales to the sound of music and song like the great bards of old. I will wear sealskin to keep myself warm but occasionally will no doubt be overtaken by the madness that exists in my new profession and run naked through the snow. It will be glorious."

"**Can I come?"**

"If you have an appreciation of the music, then yes you can be my apprentice, may you learn well."

"**Yeah well as long as there is running naked involved and preferably some kind of shenanigans I'm in. Won't it be hard to transport all the cows around though?"**

"For the last time it is supposed to sound like that you just don't appreciate good music! You will learn in time though. And yes there will be shenanigans and mind expanding _experiences _it is to be expected."

"**I'm in!"**

"Good, now, I must start by writing a stirring and epic ballad.

"Christ, you know it ain't easy

You know how hard it can be

The way things are going

They're gonna crucify me - "

"**Yeah, Mattie - that's the fucking Beatles"**

"Huh, I knew it sounded familiar. I must be good if I'm writing Beatles quality music."

"**You're just writing Beatles music full stop. You and Alf are really a lot more alike that I thought, he's definitely rubbing off on you."**

"Whatever, I'm a totally awesome, Beatles worthy bard."

"**Okay now I know you are shitting me!"**

"What gave me away?"

"**Alf can't pull off innocence and couldn't blend into the background to save his life but you're just as unable to pull off the loud mouthed, uncomprehending fool act that he has perfected."**

"There are times I wish it wasn't an act, times when he is too shrewd and knowing, that is not good for anybody's health. You're not supposed to be this observant."

"**Yeah I am, I'm ancient Mattie, and you know Vineland and all that…practically known you longer than you've known yourself. Back to important topics though, will there be groupies involved?"**

"Oh I think so, I mean, it's just as essential as running naked and shenanigans. It might take a while to get to that point though."

"**I don't care I'll just be your groupie, problem solved."**

"You're an apprentice musician."

"**And an apprentice groupie, I learn quickly."**

"Fair enough - stop wagging your eyebrows - but you'll not get any overtime, I'd be _weird_ if I paid you for _that_."

"**Cool."**

"Back to my Ballad, I call it the Ballad of the Frozen North -

_A nation born and a nation bred_

_I just wanna be lyin' in my bed_

_I'd also like to smash my brothers face in_

_But it'd be no good for international relations._

We went to England because we could

Planned to take revenge on Arthur's cooking

I trusted my brother though I wish I had not

We fought worse than we should have fought.

_But you see it wasn't fair_

_He shoved my ass up in the air,_

_I am the north, the land of snow_

_I should have been the one to throw._

Word Geography puts him below me

My landmass is significantly bigger

So I did not appreciate my position and

I made revenge my lifelong mission.

_He covered my groin with his cowboy hat,_

_I wish I never had to look back,_

_I saw his Florida, It's rather small,_

_I was fucking frightened he would fall._

Shouting Yee-HAW was extremely excessive

And I'll never be able to watch any westerns

Because of my brother and his stupid prank

Which I think was rather rank.

_England came, followed by the Queen,_

_The Prime Minister turned a shade of green,_

_He was sick all over the place,_

_Man you should have seen the look on his face._

That does not excuse what America did

I might not have it in me to forgive,

If only he'd told me what he planned

I'd have congratulated him and shook his hand.

_There was no reason for me not to know, sure,_

_My anger was needed for the show_

_But I could have acted just as well_

_And been on top -_

_What the bloody hell is that?"_

"**What do you think it is? I like the ballad it's very inviting. Come on."**

"Where are we going? Why are you dragging me?"

"**To find a bed or an appropriate flat surface."**

"I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU!"

"**Sure you are, I mean I'm your groupie you said so yourself, that song was basically foreplay."**

"That was a fucking joke! Oh God I'll never be able to write a song again."

"**Why not? I liked it."**

"You would."

"**Yeah."**

"ARRRGH PUT ME DOWN! I swear-"

"**Biting, I like it!"**

BANG.

End of Recording

* * *

I swear this isn't the kind of stuff that's usually going through my mind…not all the time at least. The regular chapter is nearing completion so it should be out within the next few days, Friday at the very latest but hopefully before that.

Reviews and criticisms appreciated.


	8. From Prussia With Trepidation

A big thanks to **EEevee, RosalynnLynx** and **ShadowFire52** for their reviews and to everyone who read, alerted and faved. I'll keep the notes short this week. I'm Sorry for the lateness had a busy few days and I seem to be coming down with something again. Hopefully I'll get more of a move on with the next one.

Disclaimer - Do not own.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 7** – From Prussia with Trepidation

* * *

**To – Elizaveta**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – It Wasn't Me**

Elizaveta, why would you think my awesome self would have anything to do with this? How could one person possibly be the cause of that much trouble? I think you are being unfair to the awesome me.

Gilbert the unjustly accused

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Elizaveta**

**Subject – Come Out and Play**

Nice try Gilbert. You ran from Vash's after you got my e-mail, oh and Roderich was not amused by you hanging round his friend and I can hardly blame him for the sentiment. You are right enough that one person is not the cause of all this trouble but _three_ people are. I think you know to whom I refer. I am not an idiot and if you think I wouldn't split your skull in two you should be checking into a mental institute right now (you should probably do that anyway).

I am not unreasonable Gilbert and I would be more than happy to keep this discovery to myself…for a price. What can you offer me, Gilbert? I think that all these love triangles you are creating are very interesting…I'd like to _see_ more.

Elizaveta

* * *

**To – Elizaveta**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!**

God I hate it when you blackmail me. I'll see what I can do, some photos perhaps? Would you be happy with that you tyrant? What does Roddy want because obviously if you know he does as well.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Elizaveta **

**Subject – Boys on Film **

Roderich wants me to inform you that he wants nothing from this as it is far too beneath him to even acknowledge. Photo's for a start Gilbert but you know Russia is pretty livid about the whole sister thing, wouldn't want any of these e-mails to fall into his lap would we? I think you can do better than mere photos what with your 'awesome' ingenuity.

Elizaveta

* * *

**To – Elizaveta **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – My Favourite Game **

Arrrgh! Fine! Photos and I'll try and get you a video or two but if Russia finds out about this I will never oblige you again. I know this is all an elaborate way of you saying you want to see me naked and really I can't blame you cause I'm awesome and who wouldn't want to see me nekkid? Of course this is beneath Roddy, isn't everything? Tell him he should pull that stick out of his arse and then maybe Vash would want to be friends with him instead of me. Can't see it though cause who would rather be friends with Roddy than awesome itself?

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**C.c. – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – In The Air Tonight**

I have taken a much needed time out to recuperate after my short hospital stay and I am feeling greatly energized once more. I can feel change coming my friends and I think I'm about to start whipping your asses. Hungary is onto us though so please try and get pictures and videos for her, otherwise we are in some deep shit. If we do as she says though we will earn her eternal gratitude and not be violently killed with kitchen utensils - always a plus.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Losing My Religion**

You'll be glad to know I had a certain gentleman caller mon ami. It was dreadful! I do not know what is happening to me! I had the perfect opportunity to expose him to my love and I couldn't do it! Despite being drunk and him being naked and willing! Ah it is that Donald's entire fault I am sure he is having a great time laughing over my sorrows. I am broken, ruined; my reputation has been irreparably impaired! I need to perform life-saving damage control. I had to tell him that I did not want to violate him because he was newly engaged and really, who is going to believe that? Do I truly want anybody to believe that of me? NON! My dedication to love does not include the notion of 'taken' or 'available' because love crosses such barriers! _My_ love does at any rate!

The inconsolable Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Blister in the Sun**

Arthur is engaged? I have a really un-awesome feeling about all of this. I seriously hope I am wrong otherwise I think I may need to go execute a strategic withdrawal – again.

Gilbert - hoping for once that his awesome powers of prediction have failed him, however impossible that may be.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis **

**Subject – National Express **

Strategic withdrawal? Is that your way of saying you'll need to go into hiding? If your thoughts are along the right lines though you probably will need to find an ingenious hiding place, a cave in a practically inaccessible desert might be a good starting point. I'd move around as you will be less likely to be caught that way. Either way you'll find out soon enough if you need to retreat. I have decided after much reflection to make an offering the likes of which Elizaveta can only imagine and dream of and in doing so I will no doubt earn her eternal gratitude and she might consent to stop chasing me away from Austria with her frying pan.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – The Cave**

As if someone as awesome as me would go into hiding like a little girl. It is exactly as I said a strategic withdrawal, and a cave, seriously Francis that's so 2000's.

You do that Francis. Here's an idea, why don't you feature Roddy in your video? You can thank me later.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Arthur **

**Subject – Many of Horror **

I am sure you will be pleased to know that one is an engaged (shackled) man. Now I am not blaming you for this strange turn of events because that would be beneath me as a gentleman and I feel I am not failing to recognize my own part in this saga when I say it is definitely all your fault. I got gloriously drunk after reading your correspondence and since it was one of the last things on my mind before the traumatic event that forced me to drink I ended up acting on it in my severely inebriated state and Romano said _yes_! I then tried to sleep with Francis who rejected me; god knows what is going on with him! Either I am that unattractive or he has lost it. He chases me around for weeks and then he just spurns me when he is about to get what he wants! I am of course glad of it but this change in intentions is suspect and it was extremely out of character.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – It Should Have Been Me!**

You are going to _wish _you were merely dead when I get a hold of you! You owe me big time and you ARE going to help me out even if it means sacrificing yourself in the process! I shall not grieve for you, of that you can be sure, compadre.

Romano cheated on me with that bastard Arthur and Francis refused to help, just shrugged the whole thing off! And it has gotten much worse! How could it have possibly gotten worse I hear you ask, well I shall tell you how it has gotten worse, not a week later a thoroughly drunk Arthur turns up at my house MY OWN BLOODY HOUSE and proposes to Romano with a fucking tomato! That was so my idea the…gah! Words fail me I am so enraged. To make things that much worse Romano said yes to the bastard.

So the way I see it you seriously owe me. Now little brother Germany is on his way here to flatten me for something that I haven't done and you are going to find a way to stop him from coming anywhere near me. I do not care how you accomplish it but to give you incentive if I so much as set eyes upon him, and he is ready to 'brutally murder' me then I will let him know of your part in this whole mess, I will show him our correspondence and he will no doubt forget all about harming me, turn right around and come straight after you and I do not fancy your chances. He would squash you easier than a fly and he would enjoy doing it so you better have some 'awesome' ideas about how to sort this mess out.

I will deal with Arthur _personally_, that brigand is getting what he deserves because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition ahahahahahaha! I am going to sail my glorious armada right up his arse and let us see how he likes that!

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Anything, Anything **

It's reassuring to know you're not going crazy.

You are blackmailing me, Antonio? I knew there was a reason we were friends! I know you like your laid back, cheeky, perverted manner but this is a change for the better, reminds me of your Grand Inquisitor days. Fun times. And man this whole thing with Romano is making you uptight as hell, you need to get some.

You are getting yourself needlessly worked-up. Technically he didn't cheat on you cause he'd have to have been going out with you in first place for that to happen. My bruder won't kill you I don't think, he'll just hurt you badly and there may be some maiming involved but nothing to get all worried about. There is no way Romano is going to marry Arthur and when you say you'll 'sail your glorious armada up his arse' are we talking about boats or sex because I'm confused.

Since I'm such an awesome guy I'll help you out even though I have no obligation to. You'll need to be able to access Feliciano's e-mail. I will phone bruder and tell him to keep out of it that I am already on my way to deal with you at Feliciano's request and I'd rather he left me to it since he has no reason to get involved. You will then send him an e-mail from 'Feliciano' saying that I am dealing with the misunderstanding and tell him we are romantically involved and that he is happy. Sounds like a good plan to me. You're lucky I am so awesomely selfless.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Whiskey You're the Devil**

You know Arthur-san if you look back upon your two correspondences you will notice a common theme. Yes, there is something that you do prior to making these unsound choices. Congratulations on the news. You have achieved both objectives in putting things right with Romano-san and getting Francis-san to halt his advances, I am not sure why you are complaining to me still when you should, in fact, be thanking me.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Into the Valley **

Congratulations brother! I am sorry for accusing you of being with Arthur just to upset big brother it was very unfair of me, you obviously love Arthur very much! Can I be your head bridesmaid? When do you want to get married brother? And where? Oh this is going to be very exciting, can I please help you? Lets invite lots of pretty girls and all eat pasta together, si?

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Straight to Hell**

You are the _worst _fucking friend. Ever.

Selfless? Yeah about as selfless as everything else you do! Why can't I just use Feliciano's e-mail to tell Germany that he has been given the wrong information and assure him of my innocence? Why does this have to involve you being in a fictitious relationship with the guy your hermano obviously cares for (and who cares for him in return)? Fucker.

I'll send an e-mail to Germany pretending to be Feliciano and tell him that everything is fine and that it was Romano trying to stir up trouble. It better work.

Why would you even think I was trying to imply I was going to have sex with Arthur? There are times that I swear you are worse than Francis. No praise was intended to be taken from that statement.

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – All the Right Friends **

Well when I do something I do it awesomely well, I don't believe in half-measures – personal philosophy, _Prussian style._

Okay, fine, totally un-awesome, you don't have to say anything about Feli and I going out but you should tell bruder that I checked up on him because unless he thinks that everything is fine and legit he will come over anyway. Make sure to mention in Feli's e-mail that he medicated you and you were asleep.

I'm worried that with all these diversions you'll forget a really vital point here, you need to produce something for me to give to Elizaveta if you don't want your and, more worryingly, my balls bashed to a bloody pulp.

You compared me to _Francis_ how am I supposed to take any praise from that?

Gilbert

P.S. More of a fucker than you. Get your head out of your arse you're being mercilessly beaten here, get in the fucking game.

* * *

**To – Alice**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Do You Want To?**

Hey Alice, do you want to have sex with me? It would be a huge favour not to mention very enjoyable.

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Alice**

**Subject – One Night Only**

Look Antonio I'm kind of working through my own stuff here…although you could possibly help me out with that. Right then since you were so forthright in asking I suppose I could acquiesce just this once. (Don't call it a huge favour though unless you're going to wink or make some lewd gesture because that just kills the mood dead Toni.)

Alice

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Wuthering Heights **

Just shut up Feliciano, I sometimes wonder what it is you are on because that level of happiness does not occur naturally! Of course I'm not in love, fratello, who believes in such things?

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Bad Romance**

I knew it! You don't really love Arthur, what are you doing Romano? I think your revenge on big brother has gone far enough! You've done a lot of damage and proved whatever twisted point you were trying to make sufficiently. Please fratello, you are much better than this and you know he loves you very much; you've hurt him badly. Call off your wedding with Arthur and let's go home, please? No more games.

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Raivis**

**From – Eduard**

**Subject – Worried About Rav**

Hi, Raivis I've been hearing worrying things about you. I went to visit Finland and Sweden and they said that you'd been hurt by Belarus over something to do with Russia. I thought it was strange to have not heard from you and they seemed to be sure something bad was going on. What happened? I'll be over to visit if you need any help.

Eduard

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Alice **

**Subject – What's My Name?**

Really it was good, promise, I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment. It's a bit of a peculiar situation and extremely distracting. I sometimes say strange things…it's just something I do so whatever it was that you thought I might be saying you are greatly mistaken. I feel I should point out that you can hardly talk because you certainly did not seem to be saying _my_ name.

Alice

* * *

**To – Eduard**

**From – Raivis **

**Subject – 19****th**** Nervous Breakdown **

I am sorry I haven't been in touch brother, it has been a strange time and I have been trying to work out what is going on with the help of Sealand but he was going to go after Russia and I really didn't think that was a good idea so I sent him home, which must be why Finland and Sweden know about everything. I would not have told Sealand anything about it but he came to visit not long after the event and I was still somewhat traumatized and you know how I get when I am trying to avoid a topic, I just blurt it out!

Russia thinks that I played a trick on him when I told him his sister Ukraine wanted to see him but I really did get an e-mail off Ukraine. She said it was a new account and she was panicking because she couldn't remember her brothers e-mail address, when she went to use it she'd accidentally deleted it. She wanted me to pass on the message and so I did. Ukraine didn't send an e-mail though and when Russia found out he sent Belarus after me to find out what was going on and 'send his regards'. She broke my collarbone! I tried to show her the e-mail but she broke the keyboard over my head. Then she stormed out shouting about lying to her 'precious' brother. She returned to try and take me back to live with Russia but Sealand was here and he stopped her. I don't want to live with Russia again brother!

Raivis

* * *

**To – Raivis **

**From – Eduard**

**Subject – Dust Bowl Dance **

Hey don't worry Raivis I'll be over to help you out, Tino has entered a Viking phase and is currently trying to challenge Denmark to a fight to the death for the noble princess Sweden, I think my mind has been irreversibly scarred. Norway kicked him out over something or other so he was annoying Sweden and Finland finally just snapped.

You should have told me what was happening sooner and I'd have been there! Don't worry though brother because I have come up against Russia many times and my skill with computers far exceeds his own. We shall get to the bottom of this and once we do we can confront him and make him apologise to you. Well, we shall get him to drop it at least. And then we can spend some time with Finland…once he has returned to normal. Yes, it is my brave and fearless plan!

Eduard

* * *

**To – Natalia **

**From – Alice**

**Subject – Little Sister **

That was…unexpected. I think we maybe need to talk.

Alice

* * *

**To – Alice**

**From – Natalia **

**Subject – Take Control **

I have nothing to say to you, which is why I haven't been in touch, just a slight hint. Please leave my family and I alone in the future and if you come here again I will cut your throat.

* * *

**To – Natalia**

**From – Alice**

**Subject –**** Guns of Belgium **

Fair enough if that is how you want to be, I thought you enjoyed yourself...you certainly seemed to. If either you or your brother come near Luxembourg or so much as lay one finger on him I will shoot you both in the head.

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – West Don't Be Hasty **

Hey bruder don't be hasty there's no need for tanks! I know you've been wondering where I've been, well I went to visit Antonio while everything was going on and when I got your e-mail I was very worried about poor Feliciano and made it my first priority to check up on him. He is fine by the way. He went to see Antonio in an attempt to comfort him but he left not long after once he had administered sedatives, which Romano had given him a while back. I can assure you 100% that he did not spend that night in Antonio's bed and Antonio was dead to the world at any rate. Promise bruder, I was _there _after all and Feli seemed awesome to me (or I should say like me) once I cheered him up a little.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Communication Breakdown **

Ah! Ve~ Yay! Germany! This is Feliciano! Please do not worry about me; there is no need to do anything stupid for I am very well! Big brother has treated me very kindly and although he is a handsome, intelligent, kind big brother nothing at all happened between us and I would never let anyone take advantage of me like that! Big brother France tried to do that many times and I always managed to kick him in the balls, si? I think you should too he always has done something to deserve it.

Treat Antonio well though because he is being very unfairly accused by fratello - who has done something very bad indeed to my affectionate, heartbroken big brother. Spain was so upset I had to sedate him! So nothing could have happened! Your fratello was here as well, so he can tell you poor Spain was passed out. Did you know that Romano got engaged to that horrible Arthur? It is shocking I do not know how he could, oh poor lovely, unselfish Spain, he is hurting so much! Someone should harm England; he has made me very upset.

Mamma mia! I do not know what is going on with Romano but if I were you I'd ignore him, he is very messed up and confused. I will see you once we are to go home Germany!

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Letter From America **

I am at home and checking up on bruder. He is still here and seems pacified by your extremely over the top e-mail. You might have overdone the Feliness of that one, it was bordering on being too much but bruder seems to be buying it so what the hell.

He is currently preoccupied by something else I think so I shouldn't worry too much. There is no need to try and distract him over the next short while I think being mauled by badgers would actually be more peaceful than Europe at the moment so I am off to conquer the America's once and for all. Now that everything is settled with West I'd enjoy yourself a little cause as things stand you are losing sorely to awesome and Francis.

Oh and that link you sent me? The fuck was that Antonio? That picture would not make Elizaveta happy; it had a female in it! You know what she likes, sort it out man!

Gilbert – about to awesomely trounce your attempt at Hungary appeasement (which as already stated was fucking awful.)

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject –Yellow Submarine **

I do not think so Gilbert, you were right, it's time I got in the game and I am going to win! I am on my way to meet someone right now if fact and unlike you and Francis for my adventures I will be traveling in style and if anyone tries to bother me (my luck of late would suggest that such a thing is likely) I will _torpedo_ them. Nice and straight forward. God I'd forgotten how much I loved the sea, this is my natural element, no one can match my armada ahahahahahahah!

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – My Kind of Guy **

You haven't…launched your vessels yet, have you? Please tell me you're not going to torpedo England because even _I'd_ call that highly irresponsible. Literally a disaster for international relations. Gott who would have guessed Romano was the modern day Helen of Troy?

Gilbert – Please don't drag my name into this whatever the outcome.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Rolling in the Deep**

As much as I would love to launch my ships of war I realize that is the kind of thing that people would pick up on. I am being slightly subtler under the circumstances, something you'd know nothing about. I've decided to navigate below prying eyes. I still intend to harm Arthur; I've just not decided yet whether to use torpedoes, machetes or fists. I'm going to enjoy myself on the way there though…no point in rushing to crush him, I like to take my time.

Helen of Troy, now there's an idea, thanks Gilbert. Adios amigo.

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Take It Easy **

You have not managed to put my mind at rest one bit Antsy; I forgot how sinister you could get. This continent has become totally un-awesome with poor Prussian's under attack from all sorts of malicious people.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Murder Incorporated **

I'll be sure to message you when I start to feel any sympathy. You might be waiting for a while though. A long while.

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Darts of Pleasure **

Ah mon cheri, how long it has been since last time we met! I was on my way to visit you recently but I had a run in with Arthur, you know how unfair he can be, he stabbed me through the shoulder no less. Do not worry though it is all healed up now and I am as…fit as ever. I was thinking of paying you a _special_ visit if your brute of a brother does not interfere, I am beginning to think he wants me for himself! Would you be free tomorrow cheri?

Francis

* * *

**To – Bryn**

**From – Fionn**

**Subject – What's the Frequency, Wales?**

What's the craic with France? He said England injured him, wants to meet up or something. Sounds strange to me, I haven't talked to him in an age, so why now?

Fionn

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Bryn**

**Subject – Paranoid **

England didn't injure him, it was Patricia that stabbed him, he's just trying to get you to sleep with him. Nice to see your paranoia is no more.

* * *

**To – Bryn**

**From – Fionn**

**Subject – Supermassive Black Hole **

Well fuck man why didn't he just say so in the first place?

Hey just checking man, just checking.

Fionn

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Bryn**

**Subject – Because the Night**

He likes to think of himself as a bit of romantic as well as a massive pervert, as if the two go hand in hand. He enjoys seducing people I think. He'll probably pester you now he has set his sights on you. I'd just give him what he wants, it's hardly unpleasant and has the added bonus of making England jealous - which is always amusing to observe - not that he'd ever admit it the stuck-up son of a bitch.

Bryn

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Fionn**

**Subject – Pass Out **

Look Frenchie if you want to fuck why don't you just spit it out? Hardly a revelation, no need to beat around the proverbial bush. I'll see you tomorrow.

Fionn

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Nights in White Satin**

Mon cheri, you are killing the romance!

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Fionn**

**Subject – Aluminum **

I couldn't give two fucks about the romance. If you want to have sex come and see me tomorrow and if you want to have romance piss off and find someone else you shite.

Fionn

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Scots Wha Hae!**

I hear you'll be meeting with Francis tomorrow. Good for you Sassenach. You'll enjoy yourself; Francis thinks he has something to prove since he didn't take advantage of your wee brother when he had the chance. Let me know how it goes, I'll keep an ear to the ground and tell you how Arthur takes it. I'm hoping that eventually the frog and your brother will get together and be so busy with each other they'll give the rest of the world some bloody peace. I'm thinking we could all take advantage of the honeymoon period to wrangle some concessions out of him. I want more power in my parliament and I want independence, Dea grant it! I'm sick of being marginalized and forgotten about, frozen from the national community - it gets fucking boring man, I'm this fucking close to collecting buttons or some shit like that. Or you know, just going complete berserker.

Donald

* * *

**To – Donald **

**From – Fionn**

**Subject – Pipe Dreams **

Don't fuckin' call me that! I know you do it to piss me of but it fuckin' pisses me right off you culchie. Yeah, yeah I know. Its complicated here as you know but anything to help a brother in need not to mention the more power you get the more likely I'll be to get some not that I think your plan is at all likely, your just using it as an excuse to cause trouble – be honest. Bryn seems all for it as well. I don't know why you didn't just keep me in the know from the start bastard. Not like Frenchie to pass up an opportunity, wonder what came over him?

Fionn

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – For What It's Worth**

I laced his wine. Its quite hilarious actually, I've been intercepting his e-mails and he seems really shook up over the whole experience. Dea there are times when it seems just as well everybody writes you off as somehow obsolete, less checking up involved. I'm never anything less than honest! I am hurt brother that you'd question my motives. When have I ever caused trouble? That's a fine fucking sentiment coming from you, peace personified yourself!

Donald

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – The Chain **

Romano, why are you so happy? I can hear you singing from my room. You've been in a foul mood the last couple of days, what are you up to now? I'm still not happy with you.

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Don't You Forget About Me**

I am not up to anything fratello; I just heard something that pleased me is all, no need to get so worked up! It may well be that you are unhappy with me but, well, I still don't care what you are. Really though Feli you should put your mind to rest, things will get back to normal eventually, we'll go home soon, in the next couple of days I think, I have an unfortunate accident to cause after all and Spain's gone missing. I promise not to tell that potato bastard that your sleeping around on him again, I was just upset.

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano **

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Wishing it all Away **

You did WHAT? Oh fratello…I'm going snap one day and when I do you better watch yourself.

What an idiot I am, I really didn't think you would have done that to Germany or I. If he is not talking to me I'll make you regret it, fratello or no. You need some help.

What do you mean he's gone missing?

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Made of Stone**

Relax Feli, the bastard will be fine it's like talking to a brick wall; I doubt anything I said actually got through to him. Macho potato bastards are like that, you should just forget about him I'll find you a pretty girl to fawn over instead, as a gesture of goodwill.

What do you think I fucking mean? It's self-bloody-explanatory. I'll type it out for you again brother, God your so slow, Spain's gone missing. There.

Romano

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – We Can Work It Out!**

Wahhh Germanyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Romano has been telling lies against me! I did not do anything with big brother Spain I swear it on the pasta I am cooking! Poor Spain is missing now he must be upset that Romano accused him of such a thing!

Feli

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Roll to Me**

I know Italy…You and Gilbert both said so already, I believe you. You need to stop worrying I tried to call but your phone was off, I thought you'd calm be happier if I phoned that is why I never replied to your e-mail. What is going _on?_ Something does not seem right with all of this. I wonder…

Ludwig

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Try a Little Tenderness **

No, Germany, I just found out. Gilbert…how did he know? Oh well I suppose he is friends with Spain, he must have heard from big brother and been worried about me, that was kind of him, I should thank him!

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Apply Some Pressure**

East has gone…

He is up to something; this has his influence all over it! Mein Gott we'll get to the bottom of this Feliciano and if bruder is at all involved in these shady dealings then he will have me to answer to an see how he likes it, messing you around like that, what is he playing at now?

To clarify Italy, Bruder never visited you I thought you and him were…but no I suppose not. That is good.

Ludwig

* * *

**To – Lei Siu Chun **

**C.c. –**** Lin Yi Ling**

**C.c – Im Yong Soo**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Dead Man's Party**

We have an addition to the group this week, Turkey will be joining us, please treat him with respect as he is an honoured friend. Things are looking very interesting much more so than last week, events have definitely gained momentum in Europe and there is something developing in North America that is going to have consequences. Leon-Kun you might not be happy to hear certain things pertaining to Canada but please be calm this time, your last outburst was awkward for all involved and no one appreciated your pictures…well I certainly didn't and my house, my rules.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Hello**

Hey Francis I'm going to be in North America for a while but Antonio is acting…more like his old self if you understand me, he is heading that way at speed. You better keep a lookout and make sure he doesn't get to out of hand. He has disappeared, but I know he is traveling by sea and had weapons at hand. Don't be too dismayed, awesome me won't be gone long and I will be back with material that will no doubt cause massive blood loss for a certain Hungarian. You know, I may have hit on a way of neutralizing her KesKeskes.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – This Charming Man**

Ah! Bonne chance, mon ami. I shall hope you do not get mauled on your trip abroad. Please send my love to darling Mathieu. I am such a good friend I am going to give you an excellent piece of advice, although it may disadvantage me (I am that confident of my success, Gil.), get Alfred drunk. He is much more receptive when drunk, he gets that from Arthur I imagine.

I am working on several projects of my own, I think you will be suitably impressed by the outcome and Elizaveta should be delighted by my tireless work. Always, I aim to please.

Francis

* * *

**To – Im Yong Soo**

**From – Wang Yao**

**Subject – I Won't Back Down! **

What is going on, aru? I know you are all sneaking off and avoiding me and Japan will not tell me when I visit! You are good to your brother though, so you will tell me, aru?

Wang Yao

* * *

**To – Wang Yao**

**From – Im Yong Soo**

**Subject – Einstein on the Beach**

Ah big brother! I knew you loved and trusted me most! Japan did not want you to know because he thinks you might disapprove and Taiwan said you were too old and Hong Kong just shrugged! I will tell you though because I would like you to come along and I invented promises so I know the rules and I am totally allowed to tell you everything because I was crossing my fingers at the time. Japan is reading out e-mails to everyone, they are very amusing and there is lots going on in Europe and America...don't tell Japan that I was the one to tell you though, even though it was all my idea of course, he'd just be annoying about it. Turkey is visiting this week as well so I am going to claim Japan's breasts and make him embarrassed!

Yong Soo

* * *

**Alice – Belgium**

**Fionn – Northern Ireland **

**Lei Siu Chun/Leon – Hong Kong**

**Lin Yi Ling – Taiwan**

Bit of a longer chapter I think. Hopefully next one will be more on schedule. My editing wasn't very in depth, sorry, cause I'm feeling rubbishy but I'll have a look over it again if I get a chance and put it to rights, just give me a shout if anything is particularly jarring. Reviews and criticisms appreciated.


	9. In Which Prussia Gets His Revenge

Thank you to **RosalynnLynx, ZoosWho, EEevee, ShadowFire25** and **LapinNoirDeCaliforne** for their lovely reviews and to everyone who faved, alerted and read the last chapter.

**RosalynnLynx – **Yeah, Fionn is a guy; I keep forgetting to clarify these details!

**EEevee – **I had fun with the chapter titles I was wondering if anyone would notice.

**LapinNoirDeCaliforne – **In chapter 7 Alfred was talking to England's brothers, Brys was Wales, Donald was Scotland and Fionn was Northern Ireland.

Sorry this week was close to the bone yet again, I've been tired all week and have had some pretty bad toothache (wisdom teeth are taking their time and it's painful) so this has been written a bit all over the place just whenever I was lucid enough to string a sentence together so I apologise in advance if it seems a little bizarre or surreal in spots or just, you know, shit.

Disclaimer - I don't own Hetalia

EDIT - Sorry the next chapter is taking so long hope to have it written in the next week.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 8 - **In Which Prussia Gets His Revenge (as Well as Something Else)

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Oops?**

I've made a _huge_ mistake.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – S.O.S.**

Look Matthew I know you don't want to answer your phone to me but this really is an emergency, I need to talk to you about a matter of life and death. My death! So please answer your fucking phone!

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – SHIT SHIT SHIT**

This really isn't like you Matthew, you're normally a lot more chill about those kind of things, I mean it's not the first time we've pulled a slightly strange prank, this really is baffling, you don't normally overreact like this! You'll be pleased to know that I got the whole thing on video though so when you are feeling more like yourself you can enjoy the look on Arthur's face over and over again. You can thank me later. Still waiting for you to get in touch, really this is an EMERGENCY SITUATION!

Alfred

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Exo-Politics**

Ah, what the hell! Sorry Bro I kind of had to sell you to Russia, just temporarily though, I promise! Only for a week. Russia did not appreciate my visit to Ukraine (chick with the massive rack) he had his pipe out and everything! You really should be thanking me here, you get to spend a week with Russia, and you can try and convince him you're not crazy but I'm warning you NO sex. I have ways and means of finding out, just remember that.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Calm Down Man**

Fair enough Al, I admit, that's a good one. Sorry it took me so long to reply I was on my way home, stayed over in Norway for a while with Mikkel, beat his ass up at hockey, hell yeah! He thinks I might have been slightly unfair in my reaction and I reluctantly admit that it was maybe a bit extreme, it could be worse eh? You could have sold me to Russia! Plus I have discovered my love of expressing myself through the interpretative medium of song. One day though, when you least expect it, I will get you back. Promise. You'd expect nothing less of me, would you?

Matthew

P.S. There really is no need to try and explain to me (especially in such terms) who Ukraine is, we are friends in case you forgot, which I suspect you did.

P.P.S. You are on a roll with the creepy comments, Al. It's almost impressive, it would be if it weren't so, well, creepy.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – Actually Bjorn This Time, What a Novelty**

Sorry about that idiot. He has been banished and is currently being mercilessly beaten by an enraged Finland. It is all rather amusing; I can't help but feel you'd appreciate it. Next time you come to stay I will make sure he is nowhere in sight, unless you were in fact enjoying yourself like he claims? If so, really, Matthew, you need to get some help because that is not normal. I have changed my security settings as well, so from here on any correspondence from me should in fact be from me and not that reprobate. I hope your journey home was satisfactory. See you soon.

Bjorn

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Anticipating Our Time Together**

Ah Matvey, I hope you are ready to come visit me? You can tell your brother that I will let you experience the same as Ukraine, da? I think he will appreciate the thought.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Small Print**

OH MY GOD AL WHAT DID YOU DO TO UKRAINE? I need EXACT details because Russia is going to pay me back in kind for whatever stupid thing it is you've done. Man you really make it hard for me to be a loving brother instead of just a fratricidal one.

I think I'm in shock…my brother just sold me to _Russia_…

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Up All Night (Alfred Goes to Ukraine!)**

Well I meant to go to Russia but I got lost cause I was extremely drunk and Australia had pissed off somewhere to do…something, the details are a little blurry to be honest, I mean feel some sympathy bro I'd been on a three day bender! I went to visit some people, I can't remember who, except I think I must have passed Switzerland at one point because someone definitely tried to shoot me if the bullet that clipped my ass is any indication. I was in varying states of undress at different points of the adventure…may have done a couple of mildly inappropriate things with Francis which just shows you how fucking wasted I was. I remember telling someone about the prank and you falling out with me…I think it was Steve, he was still there at this point, I pestered him into taking the pissing bear and it was talking to me, I swear it! I vaguely remember Steve telling me it didn't talk but the thing was bloody talking! It gave me some sound advice as well. I was going to go and challenge Russia to protect you from his awful commie ways and stop him from beating and having sex with you cause I'm an awesome brother and a hero…I stomped up to his door, and I battered on the thing until I heard someone crying and then I think I must have realized that it wasn't Russia because it's hardly likely he'd be crying like that and I really was going to leave and find Russia…then it happened, fate fucked me over big time. It was in fact Ukraine's house and I was like, close enough, right? She peeked round the door and let out a squeak when she saw me there but I gave her a charming hero's smile and assured her I meant no harm and I'd only got temporarily disoriented. She hesitantly opened the door wider and asked me to come in and would I like some coffee and clothes. I said yes to coffee because it was morning by now. She was wearing her night clothes still Mattie and they are obviously quite old because they were getting threadbare in places and were quite alluringly clingy and her rack was more massive and magnificent than ever before. She was trying not to look at me in my semi-naked state (I was totally wearing boxers though, although they where slightly ripped cause of the bullet and everything) but she was casting these glances when she thought I wasn't looking. It's totally weird bro how alcohol enhances some senses and completely shuts down others cause I was reading the fuck out of that atmosphere, I can tell you. What's a guy to do in a situation like that with the appropriate levels of alcohol in him? Well I went for it but I'm not a total letch like Francis so I kissed her before I felt up her generous goods. She got quite into it…I mean she did her fair share of feeling and I'm not talking about the emotional kind here. We moved it to the couch and that was when things went downhill seriously fast.

Russia decided to choose that day to pay a visit to his beloved sister the creepy dick. He is such a bastard, always out to ruin everyone's fun. He saw too much and he did not like it one bit. I mean you know there's no love lost between us in the first place but add me passionately kissing his sister while simultaneously groping her tits and ass and her being more than in to it, even making some particularly enthusiastic noises and that is a recipe for complete fucking mayhem and at least one count of bloody murder! He had the pipe in his hand and the only reason I even had a chance to negotiate was due to the fact that by this point Ukraine was on top of me and he could hardly beat his sister bloody, well he could but I don't think he'd go that far. And then it hit me! My beloved brother, who I hasten to add had gotten me into this predicament in the first place by reacting so unfairly to a well-intentioned joke, had gained Russia's interest. So I rolled the dice and came up with sixes, YEE HAW! He warily accepted after he made me sign a pact in my own blood and detailed various threats that would be enacted if I failed to produce the goods and he let me go without battering me to a bloody pulp. And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

Alfred

P.S. Please don't over-react to this as well. I can't do right for shit, can I?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Ain't That A Shame**

You know that line I oft times refer to? No? I suspected as much, you are not even aware there is a line. There is so much wrong with that correspondence I don't know where to begin or if I should begin at all.

I should want to rip your guts out and wrap them around your neck, watching as your puny, stupid little face turns alarming shades of blue and your eyes pop out but I'm feeling…sympathy. You really need help Al, serious psychological help.

I mean you took advice from a talking bear thing that doesn't even talk! If that isn't a warning sign I don't know what is. Oh wait, I do! Letting Francis have his way with you, that really does qualify you for institutionalization. Don't get me wrong brother, there are times when I think I'm just as bad and that this streak of absolute insanity is what makes us so good at what we do but you always just have to take it that one massive bound too far. I mean the fact you thought the idea the talking fucking bear gave you was a good one, come on, even alcohol surely can't make you that stupid…I really always thought you were smarter than you looked, suppose I better revise that opinion. There are times when I think it might be me who is insane…Einstein said the meaning of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I always give you the benefit of the doubt and the results are usually catastrophic for me! Also Al, I'm more than capable of standing up for myself, you know I am, you have scars that prove it! There really is no need for you to be so overzealous in this big brother protects way you've adopted recently, I'm not a damsel in fucking distress, well not until _after _you've needlessly interfered anyway.

I like how you think fate fucked _you_ over; I'm the one being sold like some kind of fucking commodity. All that happened to you was that you didn't get it on with my friend. What was she thinking? I honestly can't comprehend.

Such gentlemanly behavior, Al, imagine that! I never thought I'd see the day when you came right. It is nothing short of miraculous. Still, congratulations, you kissed her before you felt her up…a fine example of chivalry. I never suspected you might mean the emotional type of feeling, I'm not that deluded. I really wish I could get my hands on a delorean and turn back time so that I didn't in fact ask for any details. I sympathise with you though, Russia showed his true colours there, nothing short of total douchebaggery. He actually visited his sister and unintentionally interrupted you while you were enjoying your groping session, how could he?

The more I think about it, the more sure I am that you and Russia are in fact soul mates. You both are creepily possessive of your siblings who need none of your help, you both cause major headaches wherever you go, both of you tend to misread the situation completely, you are both certifiably insane…need I go on?

Matthew

P.S. You can't do right for shit, al, but at least you admit so yourself. Acceptance is the first step dear brother.

P.P.S. Yee Haw? Too soon Al, too soon.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Hope Springs Eternal**

So, you forgive me then?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I Take Your Hope and Crush It**

No I do not forgive you.

I think I've fully grasped the meaning of resistance is futile. I really have. I'm normally the hit and run shock troop of the operation; silent but deadly, flying under the radar but all of a sudden I'm the target! I'm not sure the correct response to this is set mind to 'exterminate'! When I get back and if I return without committing Russicide we need to get things back to the rightful order so I can cause chaos while manically laughing and not be observed! Obviously there is just no point in shouting at you and refusing to speak because before I know it you'll have done something phenomenally stupid and that will most likely result in me being shipped of to North Korea, your death or possibly both. While there are times I would welcome that we are a good contrast and I can't fulfill your roll and hold on to the small sliver of sanity I have left. Plus changing the dynamic would mean I wouldn't get to be the kick ass ninja assassin that I so obviously am. That my brother is all that is stopping me from killing you. A word to the wise though and really this is out of love and for your own good, never keep me out of the loop like that again and in the future do not sell me like I'm some kind of possession.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Hard to Say I'm Sorry**

Your obsession with lines has nothing to do with me bro, you should probably get that checked out I'm willing to bet it's some psychological shit, obviously not me who needs looked at. (And by the way there is nothing wrong with any of my A-mails they are all singularly fantastic with no exceptions as befits me as hero and master storyteller).

Well I didn't think you had, I just hoped. I am sensing a lot of sarcasm coming from you bro, you know I hate sarcasm. Well I hate it when it's you doing it because it's harder to just misinterpret it in my favour. Such a douche. Look I know my narrative sometimes points to me being completely self-absorbed and quite frankly, I am the hero and have every reason to be self-absorbed but Mattie, I do care and my expression of it might be considered odd to some but the fact I am even writing this shows you that I mean it. Anyone ever told you that you can be a fucking bastard? Making me admit that is so uncool bro, so uncool. Saying that I think you may have caught whatever it is everyone suspects I have got. 'Flying under the radar' and 'kick ass assassin' stand out as being particularly immodest. I agree though we are an awesome team and really, Mattie, bringing anyone into that dynamic would ruin it, it's fine just as it is. Now you know how much of a douche Russia can be you don't want him anywhere near our operations, do you? Really if you think about this in a roundabout way I've saved us both a lot of future trouble here.

I think you might need to let your anger out – not on me though. Prussia would make for good target practice don't you think? He'll be over this week apparently, phoned me to say so. I put the phone down on him but I don't think that will deter him, being the total jackass that he is.

Alfred

P.S. To show you how reasonable I can be I'll let that comment about Russia and me slip. That's true generosity for you.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – On All Things Emotional**

That was…surprisingly frank and oddly touching Alfred. Brother is proud you are growing emotionally! It seems through the decades we have both managed to have an effect on each other no matter how small it might seem to others.

Future trouble? You've saved us from no future trouble whatsoever unless you're going to disappear off the face of the earth we will always have future trouble to look forward to. It is a gift and a curse. Much like you. I'll hold off on venturing an opinion on Russia until I come back.

A-mails? What the hell is that? Do you mean e-mails; have your meaty fingers hit on the wrong keys?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Meaty Fingers? Rich, Maple Man!**

A-mail? Isn't it obvious Mattie? Awesome-mail! All mail that's from me is awesome.

Alfred

P.S. There is nothing wrong with me emotionally, I cry all the time dude! Real emotion.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Don't Ever Change**

More Like Ass-mail, Al, all mail that's from you sounds like it's coming from your ass as opposed to your head.

God you need to stop spending time with Gilbert, when I come back we're going to work everything out once and for all so we can deal with him in a satisfyingly final manner, one last glorious showdown. He kept away for a while this time so when he visits try and get a feel for how wary he's become. With his personality there is still a hope that he doesn't fully suspect us and if so it'll be easier to plan phase two and if not well tough shit I suppose we'll have to do it the hard way. Keep me updated. I'm sneaking electronic devices in with me, just as a precaution. I have a feeling my laptop will be snatched but I've locked it up, it's just to mislead.

Matthew

P.S. You cry over horror movies, a lack of burgers and sometimes when you think no one is looking at Desperate Housewives. Not a shining endorsement of emotional maturity.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You Need Not Fear I Don't Ever Intend To**

So insulting Matthew, brother is hurt. Brother cries a sea of bitter tears! How could you, how? I'm gonna miss you ass, just watch yourself and NO INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING! If Russia goes to far you just let me know. I have contingency plans…ahahaahahaha!

Alfred

P.S. How dare you Mattie, those women go through so much, so very very much. If you don't cry every now and again you're just dead inside.

P.P.S. Tony says DH is an institution and he hopes that Russia leaves you unable to fucking walk for that insensitive comment.

P.P.P.S. I do not agree with him on that second point.

P.P.P.P.S. Tony has just tried to throw Whaley at me! The fucking bastard then tried to beam him up into his ship, you should see this bro it's fucking hilarious, he accidentally beamed all the water with Whaley and his ship has crashed and is making all these sizzling noises, and is being nom, nommed by an angry orca.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – All the Way to Russia**

Threatening to close all fast food chains in a nation does not strike fear into others as much as you think it does but thanks for the thought all the same. Please remember my earlier point about looking after myself, plus I'm taking Kuma with me, she is vicious when she has reason to be and I have been feeding her on a diet of Russia blood the last few days…she seems to quite like it. Before you congratulate me Al, let me clarify, Russian deer blood, not the blood of 'crazy freedom hating communists'.

Anyway it's nearly time to go. I'll call you before I get there.

Matthew

P.S. Tell Tony that is what he gets for wishing Canada ill, Karma bitches, aliens not excepted.

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I AM IRON MAN**

If you dare even think about groping me I will cut your hands off faster than you can say comrade. Just keep that in mind and I'm sure we'll have a pleasant enough time of it. I'll even bring you some maple syrup cause I'm just that kind of guy. Seriously though, Ivan, please don't make this any more painful than it has to be, I might not look like much but I won't take any bullshit, yeah? You wouldn't be the first person to have their balls crushed if you 'get fresh' to quote Alfred. If you doubt me, ask Francis.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – NO YOU ARE NOT**

My, my Matvey, you are not even here and already you are threatening me? You wouldn't really cut my hands I think, not once you have experienced how rewarding they can be. Maple syrup, da? Unconventional Matvey, I appreciate that in a servant. You really have an admirable talent at foreplay and you've not even arrived, I await your presence with anticipation. I do not doubt we will have a pleasant enough time of it; I'd go so far as to say it will be pleasurable even. For me da.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Fuck You**

Fuck off.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Nyet, You**

I'll wait for you first.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Delightful Offerings I Make to You Gazer Of One Thousand Moons**

**Attach – DrHorrible**

Hey Al I'm on my way to Russia and thought I'd express my gratitude to you by getting you a small gift, after all you have presented me with the chance to prove once and for all that I am free from any extreme psychological failings and to maybe even show Russia the evidence that points to him being the one that may need some help (preferably not straight out of a bottle) and I will impart this wisdom in the last day before I run like blazes and I will make sure to be carrying something sharp just in case. I mean I'm brave but I'm not stupid, even you know when it's time to make good your escape. Of course, I would feel better about that if _I _wasn't the mode of your escape but I shall make the best of it. Anyway I'm forwarding this to you, I think you'll love it…you remind me so much of the superhero, really you do.

Matthew your appreciative brother

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Much Obliged to You Owner of a Thousand Horizons**

Thanks bro, you're the best! I'll watch it with Kiku when he gets here! It's really refreshing for someone to back me up on the whole superhero thing instead of just rolling their eyes and laughing.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Do Not Let Him Clip Your Wings**

Ah, mon cheri, you must be feeling lonely! It has been too long since I last spoke with you. You are breaking my heart, cheri, with your sham of an engagement. I beg you to give up all notions of such an awful and rash action and instead focus on more suited suitors. I have not shown my appreciation of you through sweet poetry in a while but alas my spirit is not equal to such a task. To speak of love when brought so low is too painful, cheri, so I will be content to borrow a couple of verses from one of Alfred's fine poets and give you instead a friendly warning prompted by my love.

_The caged bird sings  
with a fearful trill  
of things unknown  
but longed for still  
and his tune is heard  
on the distant hill  
for the caged bird  
sings of freedom._

_The free bird thinks of another breeze  
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees  
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn  
and he names the sky his own._

_But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams  
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream  
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied  
so he opens his throat to sing._

You know, Arthur, if you do not act soon you shall loose me forever and you will have to endure this immortal pain of seeing me with another.

Yours for now, Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – That Is an Idiotic and Clumsily Extended Metaphor**

Oh, Francis, I so despair whenever I see a correspondence from you. I took it into my head, quite a sensible notion I thought, to delete them without reading the utter drivel that clutters all your writing and indeed speech but I was scolded like some mischievous child! Apparently we are supposed to be in communication, something to do with friendly international relations, as if I'd have any relations with you much less friendly. What horror.

My engagement is not up for discussion and if I do feel the need to discuss such a delicate matter it will most certainly not be with you, git. Please, I've had enough of your clumsy attempts at wooing through poetry to last me a lifetime. If I have truly broken your heart and the consequence is no more poetry from you then I shall rejoice. I would have rejoiced anyway, make no mistake. Suited suitors? Very alliterative Francis. I see no suitable suitors on the horizon and I shall say this before you suggest yourself – sod off.

I can see how marriage may seem like a cage to you, only being able to sleep with one person - such a thing is unthinkable where you are concerned, surely! Brought low frog? You have always been low, take it from me. Francis, I'd be enduring the 'immortal pain' of seeing you with another even if we were to go out, you'd never keep it in long enough, I presume the pain in that scenario would be much the worse for having been brought _so low_ as to be in love with you. Give up, wanker, go sleep with one of my brother's, I hear they're more receptive to your advances.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Please Remove the Stick From You Nether Regions, better?**

Do I detect a hint of jealousy, cheri? Your brothers are very accommodating, I do not deny and their company is indeed pleasurable but they are so very tiring cheri! They have no romance in their souls, and they laugh at me. Laugh! At me! Still I suppose there could be something to be said for trying to tame them somewhat. There are worse things that a wild streak, it makes things more exciting, would you not agree? You obviously must otherwise you would not have chosen to marry Romano; I imagine it was the night of wild passion that so induced you to pursue his hand.

While it is true I have had my moments of polyamorus affections that in no way makes me less capable of being with one person, if it is the right person. Oh Arthur, you are so very lost! You can't just admit to wanting me, can you? You must let go of this fear of me breaking your heart before you break it yourself by making such an awful mistake. I will reassure you no more on this subject for love should always involve uncertainty; I would not deprave you of that. You must learn to take chances with your heart more often.

Francis

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – What a Crazy Random Happenstance!**

I think you broke Alfred-san. He is catatonic. This may be due to having had to knock him out with the blunt end of my katana. He was foaming at the mouth prior to that mercy, foaming, Matthew-san. I was mildly worried he may have contracted rabies on his wild sojourn around Europe. Or syphilis from Francis-san, perhaps. He was muttering 'hammer' though so I think it has to do with the video you gave him. It was amusing enough but not worth acting like a rabid dog over.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Oh, Goodness, Look at my Wrist. I Gotta Go.**

What a shame. I think it's a pretty big assumption on your part that he wasn't broken to begin with. He'll be fine, just…tell him it was all a bad dream or something. Eh, I'm positive he will get over this eventually.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Lei Siu**

**Subject – Do it or Die, the Usual**

Kiku, you better keep me filled in on Matthew's situation. If there is a hint of trouble then I want to know, okay?

Lei Siu

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Not Really a Metaphor**

Whatever, Francis, just, whatever. There is no point in arguing with you, you never listen. You can go on thinking whatever deluded thing you like just don't foist these laughable theories on me, please and thank you in advance. If only I could be assure you'd listen but I suppose that would herald the apocalypse.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Opps I Did It Again, and I'm Very Contrite, Again**

I have made a HUGE mistake! We have to stop pranking Prussia, he knows all about it now and he has something very dangerous in his possession and he is threatening to use it! Abort all Plans and Missions, I repeat ABORT!

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – How Much Fucking Shit is There on the Menu and What Flavour is it?**

Okay Al last time you said that you sold me to Russia so I really _really_ hate to ask but what have you done now? How could you put our project in jeopardy? You better have a very good reason or I will personally get you for this.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Really I'd Rather Not**

Well Bro it is a bit delicate. I think you might be happier not knowing.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Shouldn't have Mentioned it Then**

I think after everything that's happened I'll be able to handle it.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You Asked For It**

I was kinda depressed that I'd just handed you over to that bastard and everything and I was trying to make it up to you by coming up with an amazing prank but then Prussia appeared suddenly and he was in a good mood so we had a laugh and a couple of beers and a couple of arguments over the quality of the beer, then an argument over our capacity to hold our drink and then…well I just messed up, okay?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – For What Exactly? I See Nothing**

Yes well please forgive me if don't feel the slightest hint of sympathy for you. You may be pleased to know I am currently cleaning Russia's house while dressed as a French maid. I have pointed out to him that you did not subject his sister to such a demeaning display but he has developed a chronic case of selective hearing. If I murder Russia it will be your entire fault.

I don't see how a couple of minor arguments over beer are that problematic, you really are blowing this out of proportion, it really was nothing worth calling 'delicate'. Even if you're scared to say that you revealed our true intentions towards Prussia to him that's nothing worth fretting over, we can work around it, I mean it's Prussia right, who do you think is more trustworthy between him and I? Just chill Al, the game is still on.

* * *

**Matthew**

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You Really Asked For It**

**Attach – OHshit**

No, it's not that, well not just that – as I said he does know what has been going on, well he has at least guessed and what he did makes me suspect he knows some of the finer details like videos and such. They say pictures speak 1000 words and if pictures can do that how many words do you think videos speak, over 9000? Well you can see for yourself.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – OH GOD, You Could Have Just Told Me, No Need For Graphic Videos!**

Why did you send me the link? I need bleach, bleach for my eyes and brain! Also, as creative as it was, was that montage really necessary? I think you need to stop drinking unless you are being watched by someone trustworthy, the last two drink fuelled encounters have not gone well for you. Sometimes you need to try to not let your dick rule your brain. You can manage this to a degree, normally, but when you drink you can't at all. Case in point Francis and Gilbert.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – How Fucked Am I?**

Hahah it wasn't that bad, brother is hot.

Bro, as bad as this situation is, I don't think he knows about your part in all of this, I mean he seemed to be implying that it was all me, I was the driving force and since he thought so I admitted to being in Canada a couple of times, pulling a few strings so to speak so there is still hope. Its got nothing to do with drink Mattie, I'm drunk right now for gods sake and I'm capable of writing properly and everything and I can assure you after last night sex is the thing I least want to be doing. No, it's all that emotional crap. If you hadn't gone and fallen out with me and then gone off to Russia none of this would have happened. You know I get anxious when I'm not allowed to interfere. Plus that show you send me really upset my mental balance so really this is all your fault.

Things are never going to be the same again, are they? You are going to have to go on alone, a solitary figure fighting against the unfair intentions of out fellow nations and I will forevermore live on in infamy.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I'm Good But I Can't hold back the Tide!**

Once again now, brother is _creepy_. Yet strangely submissive it would seem.

Yeah, okay, we can work with that. Fine you were anxious but Al, seriously, those are some bad choices and this is not my fault so stop blaming me, ass. We are going round in circles here accusing each other for whatever is befalling us and I suppose there is normally a reason for that but we should just be done with it and find a third party to blame for everything. I nominate Prussia.

Brother let me assure you, right now, I am sighing. If that is not a sign that some things will never change I don't know what is. This is not over, no matter what you think, you're just depressed. We need to move fast though, get in some dependable outside help, Prussia has been up to something for a while now and its time to know exactly what, we should have done this from the beginning but alas our natures and the open target that was Prussia got the best of us.

Things here have gone strangely quiet, I had to kick Russia in the balls last night but I think he actually enjoyed it. It feels like the calm before the storm, there has been a certain distraction and I have taken the opportunity it has afforded me to explore his house and am committing some useful areas to memory against me needing to fight my way out of here. I've caught glimpses of Russia this morning and he looks far too happy, it's putting me slightly on edge, but don't fret Al, unlike some I work best in this state.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Can't We Just Shoot him?**

Mattie let me do something! I can't just sit here worrying over everything, over Gilbert's video, your imprisonment, just let me come and help, it'll be kick-ass and awesome and we can film it all and everyone will forget about that other video if it goes up against this awesome Hollywood worthy one. I'll get in touch with Japan though, he has all the technical know how might be he could help us sort this mess out.

Hey! I do work well on edge I just hate feeling restricted, and you telling me not to do something is akin to someone presenting me with a large shiny button and telling me under no circumstances to press it. You know me I need to be doing something, and if I'm not I'll just get into more scrapes won't I? You know you want me to come and help, I'll bring maple fuel and hockey sticks.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – That is Not the Answer to Every Dilemma**

From Matthew Williams, formerly of Canada to Alfred F Jones of the United States of America.

Events have rapidly progressed here in Russia's home and we have now entered into a formally declared hostage situation. Secret channels of communication are still secure and Russia does not appear to suspect their existence. Certain actions on my part have led to this sorry state of affairs but do not fear for I am persevering and do not for one moment regret any previous actions.

None other than Belarus, sister of Russia, dragged one Latvia into this aforementioned abode. I have since gleaned from my top secret spying that in snatching Latvia, Estonia was severely incapacitated. Further intelligence suggests that this might lead to retribution from the Nordic Nations. I made contact with said nations and an understanding was reached. I swore to help smuggle Latvia out of the country and make sure he was safely delivered to said nations. In return they plan full retributions on Russia, which negates the need for us to be seen to be involved. At all costs, America, do not involve yourself in these maneuvers. We shall have payback through others and possibly will plan out a strike in the dark on our own when we have had sufficient contact and planning time to make such an undertaking successful and un-witnessed. I previously mentioned I assisted Latvia, this meant temporarily incapacitating Russia and Belarus, this was easy to achieve with Russia by spiking his vodka with powerful sleeping agents I had secreted about my person. Belarus seeing her brother in such a compromised position decided to take advantage of it and Latvia revealed unimagined hidden depths by applying chloroform and taking great relish in tranquilizing her. I managed to sneak him out but when Russia came to he didn't believe me when I said I had nothing to do with it (that was a first) so he decided to keep me here against my will as payment for his lost Baltic.

Seriously, don't come after me Al, I can handle this. It's your turn to trust me brother. I may be a couple of days late but I'll come to you in case I'm being followed or need any help. It's time to summon Japan, let's find out what's been going on.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – One Needs Some Assistance**

Kiku old-chap, yo-ho, jolly-oh and all that rot, I need your help, quick to, don't you know, would be much obliged if you could come and stay a few days in anticipation of Matthew's imminent homecoming, he may be slightly the worse for wear old man but we shan't be worrying about him, shall we? He does not want me to interfere, beastly business, but I have been true to my word, I sent Prussia after him, he asked me not to help after all he said nothing of me sending a third party.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – One Needs To Stop Writing Like That**

Why are you talking like that Alfred-san did you fall and hit your head? I will arrive tomorrow. Try not to have a fit like last time, please.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – I Can Pull it Off, I Make Everything Cool**

Eh, no, I was just imitating Arthur don't you know. It always pisses him off. I'm a bit on edge here Kiku, Matthew has been taken hostage by a crazy Russia and I can't be seen to be interfering apparently although I still don't see where the harm would be in getting a little involved. Matthew asked me to trust him though and trust him I will. God knows I owe him that much, he usually trusts me even when he shouldn't.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Lei Siu**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Lock Down**

Matthew-san is currently being held against his will by Russia and America-san is powerless to help. He informs me this was due to his brother's wishes and their most recent correspondences would suggest this to be the case. America-san has sent Prussia to assist in his escape.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I'm Not Quite Sure What Level of Reality I'm Currently Operating On**

The time for battle if nigh upon me, brother. Once more to the breach I tread, in the shadow of death and servitude! I shall overcome all obstacles though for Canada awaits me, the motherland, and I will be held no prisoner on foreign shores when the time of great need is upon me for I have run out of maple and I will not accept it!

Russia thinks his legions of ghostly apparitions have won but not so. Remember I told you about my exploration of his house? Well he wasn't so stupid as to leave guns and the like lying around but full armour and swords? He has left _them_ lying around and I fully intend to use them. I've also set my confiscated laptop to self-destruct, a very loud bangy type of self-destruct, told you I had made preparations. See you soon; don't be too shocked if I am painted in the blood of my enemies! (At least Belarus has left, off looking for Latvia again, I think).

Matthew

* * *

Bjorn - Norway

Mikkel - Denmark

Lei Sui – Hong Kong

DH – I had another show in mind and some kind of joke to go along with it but I couldn't find where I wrote it down and totally forgot about it since my memory is sieve like when I'm fatigued, mum watched DH though and I like to laugh at the sad story lines just to annoy her.

Right there goes, I haven't even started working on the next chapter, I'll try and have it up same time next week but if I'm still feeling this drowsy it might take a couple of extra days. Not long to go now at any rate only a few more chapters left I think I should have a better idea after the next one. Any mistakes just shout at me about them! Reviews and criticisms appreciated!

Right I'm off to crash.


	10. From Prussia With Triumphant Exultations

Thank you to **RosalynnLynx**, **ShadowFire52, LapinNoirDeCalifornie **and **XxCapturetheLightxX **for their reviews and everybody who Favourited, Alerted and read!

I humbly beg forgiveness for the lateness of this chapter! I was ill for a while, then the internet switched over and it took a few days to come back, I lost another set of notebooks which had most of this chapter and the nexts notes in it, then after that writers block which lifted when I found all my missing notebooks which slid out the back of a drawer, then floods, famine, monsters from the dungeon dimensions, zombies and the apocalypse! Been crazy!

Warning - Profanity of the highest order and some sentimentality.

Disclaimer - I do not own APH

* * *

All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent

Chapter 9 – From Prussia with Triumphant Exultations

* * *

**To – Francis **

**C.c. – ****Antonio **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Awesomely Epic Wins **

All hail your successful, awesome and glorious leader! Victory is mine; I have broken the foe, disabled all his future plots and provided for Elizaveta all in one fell swoop. You gaze upon a God among men this day, truly I am awesome personified! Even better than that I have now fulfilled the role of hero, no doubt Alfred is green with envy at my heroic and knightly rescue of his precious brother from Russia (who looked seriously pissed at my arrival, cherry anyone?). I have to honestly admit I was impressed by Matthew's ferocity, it was something to behold. If I hadn't seen it I never would have believed it. Just shows you if you pay close attention then awesome can in fact rub off and I have awesome enough to go round.

Fist I begin my narrative in North America where I went to find someone willing to bask in my awesome without being a total dick to me and accusing me of things I had nothing to do with (I'm looking at you Toni). Of course I was unsuccessful because America is as much of a dick in a good mood as Toni is in a bad one. He was quite down though and he explained it all to me and I laughed a lot, my Russian side of the plot was bearing fruit! We ended up having a few drinks and I managed to provide some large amount of comfort to America (I won't say small, because 5 meters is considerable comfort!). Next morning he was not happy and started going off on one about being tricked and taken advantage of and I drew the line at that because he has been stitching me up for weeks and there is only so much an awesome guy like me can take before telling some little upstart to fuck off. I revealed my knowledge of his and his brother's malicious tricks and accused him of trying to kill me, which, for the record, he didn't deny! I then pointed and laughed and showed him the video I'd made. He really didn't take well to that at all, was completely ungracious about being outfoxed and gave me a black eye because he can apparently hit bloody hard, who knew his arms weren't just composed of burger fat? I never would have guessed it. After that he smashed the camera and threw me in a closet for a day or so, hard to tell what with the lack of light. I had to shit in his mop bucket it was fucking rank! Okay the bit about the bucket was made up, he did actually let me out to do the toilet but, you know, I want Elizaveta to know how I suffer for her art! Turns out little Mattie had nothing to do with America's cruel tricks after all though and the only reason America was letting me out at intervals was because of this angel of a brother. Might be Canada is good for more than just maple.

So my friends in mayhem, picture this: Russia has Canada trapped against his will, holding him hostage but little does he know Canada has established secret connections with America and has informed his brother as to the situation. Canada asks that America not help him under any circumstances, believing that his brother would in fact make things much worse, which in my book makes Canada somewhat informed. Of course Canada thought that he would be able to look after himself and that I highly doubted and obviously America agreed with me in that regard because he ordered me (although he will regret that when Hungary next sees him and gives him some special attention) to go and help, which I did because I knew it would piss him off if I helped his precious brother who he is unnaturally fond of and because I knew it would piss off Russia massively if I turned up and spirited away his plaything (Oh yeah and freedom, always a plus). I thought it would help in the seducing of Canada as well. Very altruistic, you'll agree. Anyway, when I got there I honestly thought I'd died and gone back to the glory days my friends! Sword, shield and armour, fighting through a ghostly horde of long dead Russians was none other than Matthew. If they had been alive he would have been covered with blood but as it was he was covered with dust and sweat and looked all dark and blurry. I admit the sight was awesome enough to turn me on slightly. That passed though when I saw Russia coming up behind him, Belarus in tow (despite expressedly being told she would not be there), wielding his pipe in one hand and with a rifle strapped to his back. Being the awesome and gallant hero that I am I charged straight for Russia. Pipe vs. Sword, Awesome vs. Total Bastard, it was a sight worthy of epic song. Of course I was so absorbed in fighting Russia and getting my sword unfairly blunted by his stupid weapon that I didn't bother keeping an eye on Belarus, who tried to stab me in the Kidney. I say tried because this blur seemed to come out of nowhere and take her out, she was fully uncoucious. Eventually the spinning, shadowy nightmare stopped for a moment and I thought, what is Japan doing here? I must have said it out loud because I got kicked in the head by this rouge that claimed he wasn't Japan. He didn't look particularly bothered though. We put aside our instant mutual dislike and I held off Russia while not-Japan went and aided Matthew's fight against Russia's ghost legions. I was caught in the kidney unawares by Russia's pipe but I managed to dodge the next attack aimed at my skull, it gave me the perfect opportunity to stab him in the side and I think I managed to hit bone, probably a rib, but I'd lost the momentum of the attack by that point since Russia was reaching for the rifle. Thankfully while we had been busy battling to the death not-Japan had managed to extract Matthew from the ghost legions and had started off with him, nice of him to tell me don't you think? I followed and not too soon as Russia became rather trigger-happy. I got a bullet through the thigh but thankfully it was only a flesh wound. Not-Japan had to leave for home once we were clear of Russia, so I triumphantly escorted Matthew back to his brother and was hailed, rightfully so, as a hero. I have obtained a promise from America that he will call me awesome for a month. I thought indefinitely was more fitting and much more truthful but he was dressing my wound at the time and every time I suggested a more appropriate time frame he became suspiciously clumsy in his effort and I experienced great pain. Still - a victory!

Canada is going to be staying with his brother until America is satisfied he has not experienced any lasting mental trauma, so he'll probably be stuck there a while. In the meantime I am traveling to Canada's house so that when he comes home, weary from all his brothers overbearing attention, he will be glad for a more awesome companion to spend quality time with. I am very sure he is going to be extremely thankful to me for my efforts in his rescue and I will make sure he expresses these sentiments in a satisfactory manner. You are all going down my friends; Prussia is as always in his all pervading awesomeness, glorious!

Gilbert the victorious!

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Cruel Brother with a Strange Message**

Mon ami, I am glad to hear of your successes and am sure you will be equally appreciative of mine. I shall have to disagree with you on the point you last made though, for I know I will not loose this one, Gilly, a Frenchman losing to a Prussian? Oh come now, ami, not likely when it comes to l'amour.

I have had my own successes and while not as combative as yours they were most gratifying. Oh Arthur is still being a stubborn headed mule but I am confident that I have not long to go before he falls into my arms as he so wishes to. I am surer than ever that he feels something for me, the silly man, even if he has not fully realized it himself. He will though, he most assuredly will.

I have a bone to pick with you Gilbert (Honhonhon). I was innocently minding my own business a couple of days ago, just contemplating paying a friendly visit to our mutual acquaintance Roderich and who should come along and kick me in the balls, hard, with steel capped boots on? None other that your charming younger brother. Why? I cannot say, I could not make any sense of what he said to me! He said, "The E-mail might have been fake but at least the advice was good." And then he just walked away like he hadn't just attempted to crush my manhood with steel capped boots. Who happened along then to find me – innocently – underneath Roderich's window clutching my equipment in pain? Why who else but the charming Elizaveta and her close friend, the Iron Pan. What did she take from the scene? Well something unspeakably heinous if her reaction was anything to go by. So what is this about fake e-mails and me getting my balls crushed? I demand answers Gilbert and I know you at least have some of them.

Now on to less painful remembrances, I had a lovely time with Northern Ireland a few days ago (before the ball crushing incident). You can add that to my score. My project for Elizaveta is coming along well, not that she deserves such a magnificent piece of art!

I was visiting Vash only yesterday, you know he does not seem happy with you at all. Not that he ever seems very happy but, well, I tried to help in what little way I could. I think I am winning, Gilbert.

Francis

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – The Parting of Ways **

I am _so happy_ to learn things are going well for you compadre but do not count on it staying that way, si?

Just because I am communicating with you does not mean I am feeling well inclined towards you. If it makes your un-awesome self feel any better my hatred of Francis is topping my hatred of you. Only slightly. As far as I am concerned it is already game over, I will soon have obliterated the both of you and Elizaveta will have none of the spoils of my successes, you can deal with her yourself, I will no longer try to help you, come what may. My world has already been shattered and it was my own stupidity in listening to you that done it. I will no longer correspond with you or Francis or take part in your stupid schemes and since you no longer feel the need to help sort out the messes you created I shall take it into my own hands to do so.

With that said do what you will Gilbert but do try to remember that I have a fleet waiting to sail and I know just as much as you do. Much of it your brother would be very interested in. At least _I_ can defend myself from him, how can you hope to?

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Gilbert **

**Subject –You Knew the Plan**

Fuck you it's not me that's being un-awesome right now I am never anything _but_ awesome!

Do what you want Antonio, you are so unbelievably annoying and girly right now. Good luck finding someone to comfort you when Romano has married the stuck-up prick. Lets face it; he'll not let you visit.

I'll speak to you when you come crawling back looking for your friends. I will expect an apology.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Gilbert **

**Subject – You Will Never Be As Good As Him – and we ALL KNOW IT!**

You know what Romano, I'm not keeping quiet any longer you are one fucking annoying little brat, you totally ruined Antonio, you know that? You single handedly brought down one of the single coolest nations. One of the Bad Touch Trio, a true brother. You fucked him over big time and now look at him! Oh one day Romano, one day…I fucking hate you, so un-awesome, so unlike your sweet little bruder.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Like I Give a Fuck**

Bite me you un-awesome dick-less fucker. No wonder my Bruder would rather the potato munching bastard, compared to you he A fucking star.

Romano

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Elizaveta**

**Subject – Keep Your Dog on a Shorter Leash **

Your latest offering was very intriguing Gilbert. I am happy with your progress, please continue. I found Francis fouling Roderich's garden in an unspeakable manner just the other day, please do try and put him on a leash. It is where he deserves to be. You know that saying the devil makes work for idle hands? Yes well as a precaution against Francis' idle hands, if I see him anywhere near Roderich without having being explicitly invited I will prevent his hands from any idle evils by _cutting them off._ It would be such a shame to have to do that because his offerings have been most generous so far and he promises something fantastic for me but I will do it if pushed. Be a darling and pass the message along, will you?

Elizaveta

* * *

**To – Francis **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – The Dissolution of the Fellowship**

I'm getting the feeling, Francis, that Toni has gone renegade on us. I think you should be careful because I am sensing from his correspondence that he has abandoned our little game and is in fact seeking some form of revenge not just on Arthur, but on us as well. I am sensing this because he outright states it. Bastard tried to accuse _me_ of being un-awesome, me, when _he_ has gone fucknuts over some little stuck-up bastard! I think he expected you to have the Arthur situation sorted out by now; he is unhinged so I thought it best to warn you. Keep a close lookout, maybe take a trip somewhere until he snaps out of it.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis **

**Subject – It Is The Age of the Two Powers**

Do not fear for me mon ami, I am not currently at home, I am visiting my petit poisson and she is very glad to see her dear loving frere. She will be traveling with me for a few days and I will not be at home so you have no need to worry for me though it is nice to see you being so sensible as to warn me this time. Do you think Arthur is in any real danger? I cannot have him being beaten to a bloody pulp before I have had the chance to have my delightfully wicked way with him. I still want to know why your brother so needlessly attacked me over…well, over what is exactly what I want to find out, please do not try to avoid the subject Gilbert or I will have to send Pierre after little Gilly.

Francis

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Staying Alive and Un-Bloodied **

Ah mon cheri, I have some news to relate. I fear you are in some danger from Antonio at present. You have caused him much despair you know and it has finally turned into anger, he is refusing to speak with me though I do not know how this can possibly be my fault it lies solely with you and Romano and if he was in a more sensible frame of mind he'd see I suffer as much as he does at the hands of you both. Please take this as a warning though, Antonio is in his inquisitor mindset, he seems to be sliding in and out of it and he is very deranged over this whole business, you are in danger and I recommend you remove yourself from your home before all this blows up. He is currently in an unknown location and is traveling by sea I understand.

Please do try to be sensible over this my little English thorn.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Fight Him on the Seas, Under the Waves, To the Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea**

Hahah! Well unlike some I am not frightened of Spain - I am more than capable of handling him, as well you know. I was once just as famed as he and if he wants to fight over sea I will be happy to oblige him. Been some time since I had a good maritime battle. I suspect the government will object to it though so I fail to see what it is I have to worry about.

Stop trying to set yourself up as an injured party in all of this, just get over it.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – This is Important DO NOT INSTANTLY DELETE IT!**

I have some important political matters that I need to promptly discuss with you. Since I know how long it takes you to come down here when I need you urgently, I am coming to your house. Please be ready for me and don't even think of leaving before I get there. I would be greatly obliged if you stopped sharpening your giant swords, it's not threatening just distracting and annoying. Put them away.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Donald **

**Subject – Of Course You're Not Shitting Yourself **

Well since you asked so kindly to I can do nothing but accept your presence. It will be on sufferance though and if I have somewhere else to be at any point during your stay I will be there. It's not like you to bother to consult with me, you're usually happy enough for any excuse to manically flaunt your power and status, what's this really about? Your not running away from anyone, are you?

Donald

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – A Murder of More Than One**

Fratello just to check, you understand, you have not cut Spain's body up into little pieces and buried him beneath the floorboards have you? There is a funny smell and you have been sneaking off a lot. I forgive you everything, please don't kill me! Or Germany. You haven't killed Germany have you? I know you hated him much worse than Spain but if you have I will never talk to you again Fratello!

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – I'm So Afraid **

GERMANYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Are you still alive? Romano did not kill you, did he? You know I think I might be very angry with him if he did!

No Gilbert never visited Spain or me, I have not seen him since we came here. You know Germany I think I might have an idea as to what has been going on around us. I am not liking it though so I am trying not to think about it at all.

Feliciano

* * *

**To – Feliciano **

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Books – Read Some and Get a Clue**

Are we even related? Please Feliciano, try to use that brain of yours from time to time, it's that organ between your ears, surrounded by that extremely thick skull you have. I swear your intelligence deteriorates year on year, what is wrong with you now? Why would I kill the potato bastard? Why would I kill Spain? Che, he is not worth killing it would take far too much effort, slight mutilation is the worst I would do and then only if he wasn't conscious. Unlike you I am not stupid.

Romano

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Still Alive, Though East Will Not Be For Much Longer**

Mein Gott Italy, calm down! I think you would have heard if I was dead. Your bruder does like to boast, he would never be able to keep it a secret. Oh he has a temper and don't I know it well but he does not have it in him, his anger is just a way of keeping his fear at bay, he is much more frightened than you are: as hard as that is to believe. You really are on edge though Feliciano, your bruder will sort out his own problems, he created them in the first place after all and I do not think he would thank you for your help no matter how well intentioned it was and I don't doubt it would be well intentioned. I too have my own idea now as to what is taking place. I have started paying attention to what has been going on around us, after having been so uncharacteristically distracted as of late. This whole mess is definitely East's doing, he seems to be in the middle of all the mischief, if not directly he is the common link. I told you last time we talked that he fled. Well he has still not returned, though I have heard confusing reports from Russia of all places. He must be making trouble there at the moment, which at least gets him out of our way and he cannot exactly do anything to catastrophic with Ivan around. He might hate him but although he'd never admit it he fears him greatly. When he does reappear I will be looking for answers and lots of them and he will wish he were so lucky as to be Ivan's honoured guest. I intend to find out exactly what has been happening before I confront East, starting with Spain who it would seem is tangled in whatever mischief has been perpetrated.

Could you ask Romano if he has any idea of where Spain is at the moment? I know he won't be willing to do anything for me but just tell him what I plan, I am sure it will benefit him to know whatever it is Spain has to say.

You friend, Ludwig

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Put Down the (Mental) Knives**

That is not at all comforting Fratello I don't think you should be thinking about maiming anyone. Still at least you are not contemplating murder. Do not call me stupid! That is like the kot calling the pettal black! See what you made me do? This is the problem, Germany knew straight away, I am so on worried over this business with you and big brother, fratello, it is making me frantic and absentminded!

Germany is going to try and find out everything from big brother and is willing to let you know what has been happening but you must tell him where big brother is and how to talk to him.

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – For What it's Worth**

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I know even less than you do about where that bastard has gone. You'll just have to tell Germany to try his e-mail and hope that works. I get the feeling he had an argument with Pervy or Dumbo so you might get him to talk. Look just relax, another thing I can't believe I'm going to say, just go and do your own thing, you'll just get in my fucking way otherwise. Go visit Germany or something, I'm going home and then…I'm going to find Spain and punch his face in I think. And Arthur's, for good measure. Stop worrying about everyone else and face up to what's really been on your mind, if you even know what it is. Mamma mia what did I ever do to deserve such a dense fratello?

Romano

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Just Like Romeo and Juilet – If They Also Never Got Together **

Germany! Romano does not know either but he thinks if you try to contact him by e-mail he will respond to you. If you promise not to hurt big brother I think he will let you know everything. Fratello thinks he has had a disagreement with Gilbert or Francis.

Germany…Ludwig, I just, thank you for trying to help me, it means a lot. I know I have been anxious the last few weeks and I'm sorry if I've been exasperating you…eh-heh, si, thank you. Eh, friends, si?

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Got Balls?**

Right you bastard, listen up and listen good otherwise I really will come and cut your body up into pieces and use you as shark bait! Feliciano is never going to come out and say it, you know it, and I know it. You are going to have to do it; you are supposed to be the brave one are you not? Just fucking tell him already, che, you two are useless. As much as I hate you and your yammy ways I hate seeing my brother mope even more because when he mopes he is bloody irritating and newsflash, I live with him so I have to put up with his neurotic behaviour. He's been nowhere near Antonio and he's been nowhere near Gilbert or Francis, I'm willing to bet there is only one person he ever really thinks about in that way. It's time for someone else to deal with him and I've nominated you. Get the fuck to it.

Romano

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – First, Last, Everything**

Look Italy I…this can't happen again, all this confusion, all the hurt and none of it your fault, how could it be? You are wholly ignorant of my…you make your affections so plain, so open, to _everyone_ and I always found it hard to tell, did you treat me differently? Was your manner more affectionate, were your feelings stronger? But no, I was never good with this kind of thing and so after failing to find the answers I sought in books I distanced myself from you and hoped that by doing so, by taking a step back from my own wishes and desires, I could get a clearer picture, that my judgment would be less clouded. I think I should thank Romano though, for he was the one who pointed out that this left you as unsure as I was. Then Bruder got involved and things became that much more apparent to me but I thought I was too late. I will not thank him though, no, he will suffer a different fate. When I thought that you and he were involved all those years of trying to imagine how you felt, of trying to be sure before I took a chance, became unbearable to me. I cursed myself for being too timid and slow, overly cautious and methodical. Maybe I can be analytical and methodical with the rest of my life but you defy that, you always have and I know why without having to struggle for an answer. No, what I struggle with, even now, is being plain about it, my words are not sufficient and my actions of late have been even less so. Do not apologize to me; you have nothing to apologize for. I am sorry if I have seemed unresponsive, I didn't mean to hurt you. I will not strive to put into writing that which I do not have the ability to; I will let my actions speak for themselves. Do you want me to come and get you? Do you want to come home with me? Please know that even if this is not what you desire we will still be friends. I cannot see how it is possible for us not to be.

With deepest affection – Ludwig

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Everyday and Everynight **

Please come and get me, I miss you too.

Your Feliciano

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – I Got Balls**

Thank you, you are a good bruder.

With gratitude, Ludwig

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – At Fucking Long Last**

Che palle, I don't know what you are talking about.

* * *

**To – Spain**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Give Us All Your Information (or else)**

Antonio, this is Ludwig and Feliciano -

HELLO! I am angry with you right now, Spain, you shouldn't have just disappeared like that! I am worried about you.

We are going to find out what has been happening recently and you are going to tell us. I know my bruder is involved and I know you know. You will tell us everything or I will hunt you down and maim you. I will poison your tomato fields and destroy your fleet. I think you did something inappropriate that lead to bad consequences for yourself and I think you were encouraged.

Luuuuuuuddy, big brother wouldn't do that to me! Don't worry; we just need to find out about Gilbert, that is all, you can tell us that, si? Gilbert has not treated you well, I do not think, and Germany promised me he would not harm you if you would come and meet with us and tell us everything. There will be pasta!

I promise that if you satisfy my wishes I will not harm you – for Feliciano's sake, not yours. I know what you done and no matter what he thinks I know you _did_ do it. I am not happy about that.

Aww, don't be like that, Luddy, be nice to him, he is very upset! We really just want to talk, nothing else. Germany does not mean anything strange by satisfying his wishes, you must come!

Wha-? Of course I didn't mean anything of the kind! All I wish is to know what East has started and how it has developed. Really, Italy, be sensible. I still don't know why you insist on acting like this.

But Luddy, you like it, don't you? You like me, si?

We are getting off topic here; try to -to stick to the issue at hand.

Oh but Germany, I am. You seem to be

Delete that!

NO I AM SENDING IT! Ahhhhhh you better not try to move again, I've got you where it counts!

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Have Mercy Upon Me**

Are you two…? Well after your exchange I am going to assume so, I can't imagine what else you could possibly be talking about.

My dear Feli, and Germany, are you trying to pull good cop, bad cop on me? Or should I say, were you trying to pull good coop, bad cop on me before matters of greater urgency reared their head? I do amuse myself. I am fine, Feli, there is no need to worry over me and it would seem like you are doing very well yourself. Having a pleasurable time I hope.

Uh, I feel I should say, I did not intentionally, eh, touch anyone anywhere they would not care to be touched – well maybe not by me at any rate – I just wanted it to look that way, for jealousy's sake because I knew it would make a certain person very jealous, maybe even prompt him to act – he did act I suppose, but he made quite a...I will explain it all to you in fuller detail but I think you can see my affections are very much spoken for. Well, it was a little more complex than that in the beginning, or a lot more stupid but I really would rather you did not kill me upon sight.

I am assuming you are in Germany since I doubt your hermano is with you at the moment, I will meet you somewhere off the coast, si? I am sorry.

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – You Saw NOTHING! Move Along.**

I do not care what I promised Feliciano, I am going to kill you. Delete that e-mail now and forget all about it or I will _make_ you forget.

Big brother, please talk to Romano, I think he is worried about you. He was going to go looking for you after he got home. He said he wanted to hit you but you know Romano I think he misses you being around to shout at.

Italy you were not supposed to write in this one, you have your own e-mail!

I like to write with you!

I am having the coordinates sent; we shall meet you there tomorrow. Do not be late.

Feliciano and Ludwig

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – The Trouble Rises in the East**

Some parting information I did not want to speak in front of Italy, he seems to be in such good spirits and I see no reason to worry him, I owe him that much after everything. I think you should keep an eye on your brother Ludwig_;_ he has, how shall I say, common interests it would seem. It's hard to be sure with Gilbert but I'd be careful all the same.

You need not fear anything from me, those days are apparently behind me, one stubborn fool of an Italian has taken up permanent residence in my heart it would seem. Well, I am going to trust you know what that is like at least.

Adios amigo,

Antonio

* * *

**To – Vash**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – A Mutually Agreeable Proposal **

Ah Vash, mon ami, I am looking for a favour – before you load your rifle it has nothing to do with anything of a 'lewd', as you call it, nature. There is no need for you to be blushing. Mon petit poisson, Seychelles, is here to visit me – I am extremely fond of her you know – but she is finding herself rather at a loss. She knows I live next door to you and that you too have a precious younger sister; they are the same age and she has been pleading with me for a chance to meet sweet little Liechtenstein. How can I say non being the doting brother that I am? Well I cannot! Would you and Liechtenstein consent to a visit so they could get to know each other? Girls do so like to have friends their own age that they can gossip with and I am secretly glad for Seychelles is such a shy little thing. They are in similar situations it would be good for them to be friends and future allies.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Vash**

**Subject – My Rifles are Loaded, Yes, Rifles, Plural**

My better sense is warning me against this, I do not know why you have been hanging around here recently, ruining the beauty of my home but your presence never bodes well. If she is anything like you, you would be better not bothering to visit because any negative repercussions from the fraternization of Lily with your type would lead to me shooting you in the head. Or the balls. The balls then the head. After a lapse of thirty minutes. I think you get the point. The only reason I am consenting to this visit is for Lily's sake, she has seemed rather down the last few days and she appeared interested when I discussed it with her.

Vash

* * *

**To – Michelle **

**From – Francis **

**Subject – Be Good For Me, Oui?**

Enjoy your sleepover petit poisson! Please do be good to poor little Liechtenstein – her brother is so scary! She needs a little _attention_, oui? Just like big brother taught you, I hope you remember everything. If she asks for your help, do not be shy, make big brother proud of you!

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Michelle **

**Subject – Back Up, Turn Around, Now Walk Away**

What now, Francis? You are sounding very creepy, creepier than you usually are and I, for one, did not think that was possible. You never taught me anything of worth and everything you did teach me I discarded long ago. Whatever it is you are planning, leave it be – leave me be!

Michelle

P.S. I do not appreciate you calling me a fish!

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Michelle **

**Subject – I Have Nothing to Declare Except WAR!**

Idiot! How could you? I will never forgive you for this! Just you wait, I shall have my revenge! This is all because of _that_ rejection a while back and my comments on England's sensible notions, you fiend. I stand by what I said doubly now, squared!

I should have known something bad was going to happen, your e-mail was so creepy and I have been wondering why you insisted there was business I had to attend to at yours, now I know. I'll have you know the only reason I agreed to stay over in Switzerland in the first place was to be rid of you for a little while! Now I have gained your reputation without having initiated anything, it wasn't even me! I really, truly, deeply hate you and I am on my way home. Have my belongings sent on and do not contact me again. If you so much as step foot in my home you will be fish bait.

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – You Haunt Me**

Mi Romano! O blessed child of mine, curse of my heart, my sweet, ripe tomato. Scowl that launched a submarine. One scowl from you is worth a thousand smiles from anyone else.

I have been traversing this lonely planet for an age, trying to seek my pleasures where I may and many willing searchers I have found, generous and kind people who would try to mend the ever-growing abyss in my soul. Alas, they try, alas, they fail. I would have you know, Romano, that even in the moment of ultimate bliss I am forever reminded of you– you haunt me so! All my efforts you make bittersweet. I hope that one day we shall meet before I part from this tortured existence and I can tell you all. All that you deserve to know.

With my love, my heart, my sanity.

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – I Fucking Do Not**

What the hell are you on, bastard? You have been 'traversing' as you say for a week, that is all give or take a couple of days. A week. Gah, che palle! The mental torture, never mind _your_bloody torture, of you telling me what you think about in you 'moment of ultimate bliss'. That it seems to be me is just unspeakably disturbing. If I were to try to put it into words it would sounds something like this ARRRGGGGHHHHH, FUCKING BLOODY SHITTING HELL, FUCKING BLEACH, GET ME SOME FUCKING BLEACH!

Are you in a submarine then? Offense bloody well intended but I am trying to find a compliment in the 'scowl that launched _a _submarine', one singular submarine. Next to a thousand ships it is hardly grand, is it? But being the gracious scowler that I am I shall accept it since who the fuck wants to launch a thousand ships anyway? Sounds downright violent to me.

Why don't you just try to tell me what is going on, what has _gone_on? I might even shock you and myself by listening. Che palle, you seem to think I never listen and you of all people should know that is not true. Maybe if you tell me what is happening with you I will consent to an even exchange of information and tell you what happened with me.

Your love, your heart, you had no sanity -

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Let Us Drift Down Together **

I am not on anything but I am_ in_something – in love, in a submarine, in deep shit, in insanity; take your pick. A day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, who can tell anymore? What value in knowing how long my misery has transformed me into a shell of the man I once was? There can be none. It was a compliment, take it as such. I have readied a thousand boats, you know, and for you I'd launch any number but apparently I would risk starting a war or some such thing. Such a weak reason to stay my hand when your love is at stake! I though you liked violence Toma?

You push me too far Romano, you always have. Your last correspondence – dramatics aside – gives me hope but I know after this all hope will forever be extinguished for I am going to disclose the truth, the whole truth, nothing _but_the truth! I was put under a spell by Gilly the evil, a black-hearted sorcerer, and then calamity ensued. Happy now, I hope. It feels so good to get that off my chest!

Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Drift Down Where Exactly? I'm Going Nowhere Near Your Submarine!**

Oh, ever the comedian, bastard. Not a very funny one though. How can you be in insanity? That makes no fucking sense; not that this should surprise me, nothing you say makes any sense. Especially not at the moment. Stop with your complaining, has nobody ever told you how unattractive it is?

Stop calling me that, God damn you! Look just get on with whatever it is you are doing, plying the abyss, fucked if I know. I have business to sort out with England and I sense the arse is hiding from me. I have called looking for him and been informed he is not at home. Nobody hides from me for long; it is me who does the hiding. I am an expert hider (if you say anything about that not being a word I will cut your balls off, I'm almost sure it is!) so I know exactly where to look!

I like _being_ violent but I don't like general violence: someone could get hurt you know, I could get hurt!

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – He's Not There**

You are a true wonder Romano. I am lucky my discontented nature can be balanced so well by your godly forbearance and good will.

Please to not make light the pain I bear, my love, it is too cruel! If you are so set on going to see him I fear this means you are saying goodbye to me forevermore. When will I see you next, as a married man, as someone else's pride? I could not bear such a site for it would break my heart all over again. Please be considerate after you are married and try not to seek me out, I do not want you to see me in such a state, you must give me time. Remember me instead as the man who in his glory, his nobility, his prime, loved you above all others.

Forever your Antonio

* * *

**To – Antonio **

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Yeah Yeah, Deal With It**

Get over it Antonio, you make it sound as if you are dying, Honestly, your dramatics are truly impressive. I have seen you in a state many times before! Usually because of something I've done so I know what it looks like. There is no bloody need for all this.

Maybe if you just shut the fuck up and weren't so expressive all the time I'd actually pay some attention to you without threatening to kill you. File it away for the future, che palle, I have to tell everyone around me how to act! Otherwise I cannot trust anyone to get it right.

I am sure, as much as it pains me, I will see you sooner rather than later bastard. Once you are done with fishing or shitting in the abyss, whatever it is you do in there.

Romano

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Compliance or Death **

Hola amigo, I trust you are well in the cramped space under your bed where you are currently in hiding from my adorable little tomato and me. You should probably stay there; the urge to kill you is so very strong right now that you would sorely tempt me. On the other hand if you do not come out of hiding and greet your fiancé with a gracious and loving smile on your face and make him feel at home then I _will _definitely kill you, I will not just think about it.

You know what it is like to bring up nations, you might have even loved some, you might still love some if the rumors are anything to go by, so you should know how painful it is to see them leave you, especially painful when they take your heart with them. Yet love, mi hermano el futuro, can make us put aside what selfish desires we have in the hope of seeing out beloved happier than we could make them.

What makes this all the more painful is I do not think he even loves you but if he does then I will accept that for his happiness and because it will at least cause Francis some well deserved pain. You will treat him well, better, like he is the most precious person you ever beheld. If I sense anything less from you, if anything you do makes him unhappy you will have his hermano to deal with, his guardian and protector. I think I could easily convince Germany to help me as well.

You will now crawl out from your hiding spot and tell Romano you shall be waiting for him at your house. Be there.

Antonio

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – White Wedding**

I am coming to talk to you, arse, we need to discuss the wedding. You better be at home when I arrive.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Help Me Big Brother I Am **_**So**_** Afraid of the Scary Little Italian!**

Hey, fucker, why have you locked yourself in MY office and why the bastarding hell are you cackling madly like that? It's fucking distracting! Get it together man, come out of there and tell me what-

Oh great, now you've started on the music - there is nothing more bloody annoying that angry operatic screeching, who can even put up with all the fucking vowels? I've got work to do, as much as you wish it weren't so I'm still a country, buzz kill, put that racket off and get the fuck out of there before you make me crabbit!

Donald

* * *

**To – Donald **

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – I Do Not Understand What You Are Referring To**

Bugger and hell, I am not leaving this room and you cannot make me. I thought I told you to put your weapons away someplace else, but you just couldn't resist, could you? Now you are paying for it, you are not allowed any access to this room. It's your own fault and I am NOT afraid of anything and I know you were going to suggest that so don't bother because it has nothing to do with anything of the sort I'm just pissed off with you, arse.

Arthur

P.S. Do you still keep that cannon around here? The one that was in working order last time I saw it.

* * *

**To – Fionn**

**C.c. – ****Brys**

**C.c. – Kathleen **

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Fate Strikes Down the Strong Man**

I know you are all secreted around the place, I can feel you hovering nearby, watching avidly and waiting for all this shit to blow up and your wait is nearly over if Arthur's recent, manic statement of 'I'm honestly not shitting myself' is anything to go by. That and he got an e-mail from Spain, it was generally threatening in tone and what's more told him his bitch was on his way over, looking for him. I know Romano, nice lad but he's a fucking rocket, bit bloody excitable. Excitably violent that is, you know blood bloody. He'll take Arthur down and there is nothing Arthur can do about it, not without Spain shafting him. Do you know what that means? Entertainment. Maybe once all this has reached an inevitable end he'll let us go to our own fucking world meetings, keep us out of his eyebrows, lessen our boredom; the more people we have to mess with the less we'll mess with him. He really should just think about it for a second but he always has been a bloody great eejit.

Still as much as I hate to say it we probably should keep an eye on him, don't want him to get too fucked up, as much as it pains me to admit we're related he is our younger brother, brat that he is.

Donald

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Not a Spoiler if Everyone Already Knows Anyway**

Hey, Romano, I hear your looking for the Sassenach? We can't have him shirking his responsibilities, can we? He'll stain the honour of the family, people would fucking talk! We don't want Arthur bringing down such a class reputation. I hope you're laughing man because I fucking am. Anyway, he really needs to talk to you and sort all this shit out. He's at my house, come by any time, you are most royally welcome. Seriously, I crack myself up. Right wee man, you bloody hurry before he takes off and don't shout and tell him you're coming beforehand, eh? That would be fucking moronic on your part. We never had this conversation.

Donald

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – FUCKING READ ME!**

Hey Donald, is Arthur still with you? Matter of urgency need to know straight away, also, does Romano know where he is?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – FUCKING READ YOU**

Aye he's still here at the moment but I don't know for how long, depends on what Romano has in mind I suppose.

I told him where Arthur was, like I told you I would on the phone. What's the fucking panic about, Mattie? You still at Al's, he done something?

Donald

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Nothing to Do With Al Except For the Bits That Concern Him As Well**

I'm going to need your help, it's not to late to salvage the situation and I really can't see any other way of making this work. You need to get Arthur to leave before Romano comes and you need him to go to Hong Kong, I think that's far enough away and no one will even think to look for him there and if they do Kiku is nearby, which would make the situation easier to handle. Strategically it seems perfect.

* * *

**To –Matthew**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – You Will Tell Me Everything Next Time We Talk**

If I tell him to go to Hong Kong he'll go to wherever the opposite of Hong Kong is. I mean, it's what I'd do, so he'll do it just to piss me off, brothers, eh? Can't live with them could fucking do without them. I tell you what though, I know what to do, it has the added benefit of making things more interesting as much as he'll hate to follow this persons advice I have an inkling he'll do it anyway if only so he can grumble about it being against his will and all that shit. No need to worry.

Donald

* * *

**To – France **

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Head's Will Roll if Romano Has Anything to do With It**

One friend to another, as promised. I have some information that might be of use to you BGB. You're lucky I'm so altruistically minded. Romano is on his way to visit Arthur; Arthur has been informed by Spain that if he does not meet him he will hunt him down. Arthur thinks he is safe here for the moment but I know for a fact that Romano knows exactly where he is.

I think you should encourage him to leave. Tell him to go to Hong Kong, well, don't tell him outright because he'd never take directions from you like that, just, strongly imply it. You owe me, I was fucking joking about feeling altruistic.

Don't tell him this comes from me though, dipshit. I promised that I'd help you and that is exactly what I intend to do but I'd rather he didn't know I was helping; don't want him thinking I've gone soft.

Donald

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Loving and Letting Go**

Now as much as it pains you, you must listen to me mon cheri. Romano knows where you are; I have had informants looking out for you because I feared for your safety what with Spain's current inclinations. He is coming to your frere's to find you and I do not think he is in the best of moods. I suggest you leave straight away and go someplace where you shall remain safe to be molested another day. You must count out North America and Australia; they are far too obvious and not at all trustworthy. You need to go somewhere people will overlook, where the nation in question will not be likely to talk about your presence, somewhere with friends willing to help close by. Good, quiet, honourable and dependable friends, though I fear such people are very rare! Leave Europe, you wouldn't stay hidden for five minutes here and I would strongly advise you to completely avoid Russia, Ivan has been troubled lately and is going through one of his phrases. You need not let me know where you have gone but please do keep in touch, cheri.

Your concerned Francis

* * *

**To – Lei Siu**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Since I'm In The Neighbourhood **

Leon my boy, it _has_ been a long time. I know you have not seen me in a while and I wanted you to have your space but I think it's time I saw how you are getting on. _You _will not cruelly let me down, I know, you are an upstanding sort, don't like to show them what you're thinking, take things stoically, like a gentleman and so forth. I could certainly do with the presence of a sensible nation and not one prone to over-react to every little thing, give bad advice, play silly buggers, gorge on ridiculous food, completely let me down, mentally scar me, try awful seduction techniques et cetera. Not that I am visiting you to escape from anyone or anything, nothing of the sort! You should feel thoroughly ashamed for thinking it! I arrive tomorrow; you know which rooms I prefer. All the best.

Your former guardian,

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur **

**From – Lei Siu**

**Subject – Whatever**

Fine.

I am not Leon anymore.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Where's My Arthur?**

Where's Arthur? Is that my Arthur? No! That is Donald, he is not my Arthur!*

I will hunt you down, you better sleep with both eyes open, better yet, don't fucking sleep at all. I will come when you least expect it and then you'll be sorry. So tell me now, where have you gone you cowardly fucking devil? Che, I already hate you and we are still to be married!

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I Have Something You Want, You Have Something I Need**

Hello Romano, It's Canada here, I would like to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage. I hope you are looking forward to it. Have you by any chance seen Arthur recently? He didn't tell anybody where he was going but I think I might know his current whereabouts. I could be persuaded to divulge this information if it would be of any help to you, we wouldn't like to see him shirk his matrimonial duties, the family agree it would reflect badly on all of us, not to mention it would be unfair to you.

Canada (Matthew)

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Romano**

**Subject –Who?**

What is it you want? Who are you and who is we? Have I ever met you before? This is ringing no fucking bells.

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano **

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I AM CANADA, Fucking Look It Up**

I'm Canada, Matthew Williams, you probably don't remember me, it's probably better that way. We? Oh, the family, my brother Alfred.

You have some…_family_ that could be of use to me. I think you know who I am talking about. Prussia needs to be taught a lesson, lets call it payback. This would benefit you as well I imagine, it was Prussia after all that put it into Antonio's head to play this game that spiraled so out of control and he also exerted his influence over France, as if _he_ needed anyone to further induce him into acts of inappropriate mischief.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – As If I Even Give A Fuck**

Fine, contact my home, which assuming you actually are a real country you'll know how do, they'll tell you what number I can be reached on, we will exchange services to our mutual benefit.

Romano

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – The Piece De Resistance **

**Attach – Michily**

I have here a copy of my grand offering to Elizaveta. It is artistic, beautiful and tender you'll agree. Something different for her. I think she will appreciate the originality with which I have sought to appease her.

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH FUCK**

Oh fuck Francis; you did not just do that! Please tell me you did not do that. How _did_ you do that? Oh Scheißen, I am so getting my balls busted for this! Please tell me you haven't sent it to her yet, come on! Mein Gott I am dead; things have gone critical here and I was planning on hiding with Vash but that is now totally out of the question!

Events have taken a sinister turn in North America; it is no longer the haven that it once was, if ever it was one to begin with. What am I going to do now, Francis, huh? Answer me that!

Gilbert the awesomely depressed

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – A True Friend Stabs You In The Front**

I really think you are overreacting to this, he will never find out so you have nothing to fear and if he does find out it is my testicles on the line, not yours, and I have major use for them!

You have been met with some unfortunate incidents again mon ami at the hands of our sweet North American friends?

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Shit Just Got Real**

OF COURSE HE WILL FIND OUT YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Who is going to see it, Elizaveta, yes, and _she_ might not tell but guess who else will inevitably see it and sooner rather than later? Roddy, that is who! She will show it to Roddy, she worships the ground he walks on! Let's guess who Roddy is going to show, GUESS! Yeah that's right nancy, he'll show his one time bestest friend, Vash. He'll explain all, since he knows everything and Vash will know _I_ have had something to do with it, he'll probably deduce that I sent something of a rather intimate nature to Elizaveta and he'd be right there! Of course Roddy would never have mentioned _that,_ I thought it would be safe enough_. _Europe is now unsafe.

No it is much worse that near death run-ins with the devil twins, so much worse. I will need to hide but I'd rather risk West's wrath than this, anything but _this._ You know what they say – when the going gets tough, fuck it, I'm outta here. Now I've got to find somewhere to go to, thanks to you!

Since when did it become so difficult to hit it and quit it, why am I always getting caught out?

Gilbert

* * *

Mon petit poisson - My little fish (I looked at several sources but I am still unsure as to the grammatical accuracy of this.)

BGB – Big girl's blouse

*This is a reference to something, a reference within a reference maybe? Also going to do a crossover with the series it is from in the future, anybody know it?

This is my longest chapter yet so I have probably managed to overlook a couple of mistakes, just give me a shout if anything is glaringly obvious chapter is parallel to this one so a few more things will be explained in fuller detail like Canada and America's machinations. Next chapter will not take half so long but it might be over a week, going away on holiday for a few days and I will have no internet access, but on the upside only two more chapters left and quite a bit written. Reviews and criticisms appreciated.


	11. 10 1 In Which Canada Terrorises Prussia

Thank you to **ZoosWho, rae1112, LapinNoirDeCalifornie, RasalynneLynx, ShadowFire52 **and **Sony Boy** for their reviews and to everyone who favourited, Alerted and read the last chapter.

I'm sorry for the long wait, another one! After coming back from holiday I had to start my summer job early so I've been distracted and tired. This chapter I've had to kind of split it into two since it was looking like it was going to be longer than the last otherwise and I think that was just a little too much. So I've had to rearrange things slightly and as a result I kind of hate it but if I don't get it up I will just end up tearing my hair out in frustration over it. So with that very optimistic outlook…

Disclaimer - I am backing away from ownership, please lower the gun.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live– Then it is Excellent**

Chapter 10 Part 1 - **In Which Canada Terrorises Prussia**

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – A New Hope**

So _that's _what's going on? Well Al, we can work with that, Canada always comes out on top and it will be no different this time.

This'll all come out eventually; I mean, we know, right? You feel like protecting Prussia? Your little slip up aside we're in a good position and if we act fast enough that might be neutralized and if not, well, you'll just have to deal with it as punishment for being so stupid in the first place.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Empire Strikes Back**

I know for a fact that is _so untrue_, stop referring to yourself in third person, only I'm allowed to do that!

No, I don't feel like protecting Prussia but do I feel like protecting my modesty, 'might' is not good enough we must eliminate the threat completely! EX-TERMINATE! EX-TERMINATE!

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Return of the Jedi**

You don't _have_ any modesty Al.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Phantom Menace**

Well fair enough but I must protect my manliness at the very least. I cannot risk having that video seen by any of the other nations. Being dominated by a non-existent country, God the embarrassment! I'm the U S of fucking A or have you forgotten? I'm nobody's bitch, especially not some Germans!

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Attack of the Clones**

YOU are the USA? News to me you only announce it loudly at EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY. YES, LOUDLY.

We could ship him back to Germany but where would be the fun in that? We want our own revenge before Ludwig gets him and there's no revenge left to be had on account of him being torn to pieces and his body scattered over Europe. The way I see it he's afraid of commitment, he lacks the balls to settle down with one person, in fact I'm willing to bet the very thought scares him shitless, hence all these diverting games he plays. I think we should work with that, what say you?

I'm actually impressed that you managed to refrain from calling him a Nazi, progress Al.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Revenge of the Sith**

Wait so you're like suggesting we use it against him and get to him before Germany? I like it bro so are we going to kill him then? _How _are we going to inhume him? I quite like the idea of hidden dagger but then that will be quite obvious we might need to be subtle about this. If you feel like psychological torture is called for first though, we can do that too.

We _should_ call him a Nazi; they make the best villains, just look at Indiana Jones if you doubt me.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – HAN SHOT FIRST**

No - Where – I can't beli…well, we'll try not to. Not very hard though. Also stop playing Assassins Creed! I know you are playing it because you always get worryingly specific about how you are going to dispatch people when you do. I've not forgotten about that incident at the last world meeting, just as well you broke your arm before you could do any serious and lasting damage to world politics. Assassination attempts are never looked upon as good international relations.

It all comes back to Indiana Jones.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Much Sense Speak You **

Chillax Mattie, I was just fucking around, no assassination attempts, too quick and clean am I right? I like to play with my food before I devour it.

As it should. Indiana Jones rules the school of cool.

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Natalia**

**Subject – Better Off Dead**

Beloved brother LET ME IN! I know you are up to something, I know that this something will require my skills. We want revenge brother, don't we? No one treats mighty Russia like that and gets away with it, do they? No one! I will kill him for you brother, and make a wedding gift of his land to you. Let me in, brother, I am waiting.

Natalia

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Rebel Without A Cause**

Matvey, you are in danger. You must behave yourself and come back to me otherwise my sister will kill you. You might think you can fight, It did not escape my attention that you did not feel confident enough to take _me_ on in combat, but she will crush you. She will maim and kill you and show you no mercy, especially when she finds out you love me. You must apologize to me and I will protect you if you become one.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Katyusha**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Raging Fool**

Hi, Katyusha, I have just recently returned from your brothers. Holy Maple he is seriously unhinged! It seems to me that the line between friendship and sadism have become somewhat blurred in his mind. I do not think I have managed to help things at all, like I had once hoped. He does need some help though, not that I have any clue who could give it, someone equally as…eh…deranged? Probably not a good idea on second thoughts. I am slightly worried for you considering his mood when I left him. Talking about being worried I really hope my very own unhinged brother did not upset you too much. He really is sorry, probably. He _can _be respectful; he just largely chooses not to be. Sorry about that.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Katyusha**

**Subject – Silence of the Lambs**

Ah, Mattie, I am so very sorry! I have been trying to write to you but I am breaking down and crying in guilt over having gotten you into this horrible situation. You will believe me now in regards to little brother. I am glad you do not think too badly of him, he is going through a hard time and he has not known for many years now how to cope with adversity in a controllable manner. I have just returned from visiting him and really Mattie there is no need to worry over me, I am used to Ivan and despite his many faults and oddities he does love me very dearly, saying that he is rather fixated on recent happenings so I would try to keep your distance until it has all blown over. Your lack of compliance with his wishes has made him very determined. I have not seen him this gleeful in such a long while! You have helped him greatly!

There is no need to apologise for Alfred, Matthew; do you know how many gentlemen pay me any attention? Aside from you the only men I ever see are Liet and Feliks and very occasionally Eduard and Raivis. All of you like brothers. Most men are too afraid of what brother would do if they so much as stepped over my threshold! Your brother was a breath of fresh air and I enjoyed my time with him very much though I regret very deeply the consequences it had. I fear, Mattie, we will not see each other again for a long time since you no longer remain invisible to my brother. Keep well and keep in touch.

Always your friend,

Katyusha

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Let the Right One In **

Wow bro, douche chilllllll…we have now entered the friend zone, there is no need to unclasp your belts for the ride for you shall be getting NO ACTION, EVER! God my junk shrivels in sympathy. That was harsh, but funny in a kind of sad, tragic way.

Anyway just an e-mail to ask you to kindly open the fucking door! We need to go over our plans, decide on an approach and the like. I hereby call to order the 'Plan to Pwn Prussia'(s) preliminary meeting. Seriously I've hardly seen you since you arrived, why are you always in the bathroom?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Usual Suspects **

The moral of the story brought to you today by Canada is this, careful what you wish for - I think I have managed to, unfortunately, open someone's eyes to my existence, or make that _you_ have. My plan of action: just ignore him. Beautiful in it's simplicity I'd say.

You are such a shit Al, whose fault is it anyway? If you honestly thought I was interested in her in that way why did you make a move? What happened to Bros before hoes? Not that I in any way consider Katyusha anything approaching a Hoe. And by the way, stop reading my fucking e-mails! I'm getting Japan to block you out, I swear it, I can't trust you not to act like complete ass-bag. Are we sure our e-mail is secure? For all we know Prussia could be reading all of our plans, he could already know everything that we have done and that would mean he'd know that I am not above trickery like you said and why would he believe you anyway? He might decide to check out our correspondences for himself!

I am not opening that door for you, bath time is ME time! I am bruised and aching all over, the last thing I need is you and your foghorn of a voice breaking my concentration, plus I know you too well, you'd start a water fight, you'd end up in the bloody bath with me. I appreciate you need time to ease the pain in your ass after being sodomised by a non-existent country but just use another bathroom, you have more than one – utilize them. Stop trying to shout through the door as well, I have earphones on and cannot hear you, if you need to talk right now put it in an e-mail.

I can't believe Katyusha called you a gentleman; she really hasn't been around many males for a couple of centuries if she considers _you_ a gentleman.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Untouchables **

Careful what you wish for is the lesson I shall take from your imminent downfall. Will he let you though? This is Russia we are talking about.

Dude, you sound so gay right now, you always sound totally gay but right now you sound especially so, it was a frikken joke, chill. Bros before hoes, riches before bitches, yeah? You can't even type it without flinching, ahahahahaha!

Relax Mattikins; genius that I am I already thought of that, I had Japan take care of it before he went home. And really Mattie, lets face it this is Prussia we're talking about can you see him, Spain or France being any use at this kind of thing? I think not. He might not fully believe me but that hardly matters as long as he keeps doing what he's been doing, he knew I was up to something before he came after me so we have no reason to suspect that just because he thinks you are fucking with him he won't try to get one over on you anyway. Or one over you I should say.

I know, right? I'm way too awesome to be a gentleman; we'll leave that to Artie, he is the only one that can convincingly pull it off anyway.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Goodfellas **

You always know just what to say Al. You are comfort itself. He'll just have to deal - I'm not going to tell him to fuck off again because I think he'd like that, worse, he'd take it as encouragement. I'm just going to ignore him.

Genius is the word that first comes to mind when I think of you (read: sarcasm). Is our e-mail secure from Japan, though? Oh and Mattikins, what fresh hell is this?

You know thinking on the trio's e-mails it is apparent that there is one member of their little group that is less than happy at the moment, I think we could work that into our plan…it would mean a slight re-working and it would be ambitious and rely on Romano not being a complete dick but it might just work and if it did well all the better for us and all the worse for Prussia. Divide and conquer brother, it is beautiful in its symmetry since it was in essence what Prussia was trying to do in the first place.

He's even managing to fuck that up. It not completely his fault but you've got to laugh at his total inadequacy as of late.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Godfather**

From Japan? Did you just see what you typed there? This is Japan bro he'd never read other nations e-mails, unless I specifically asked him to and only then in the name of friendship, you know him he's far too honourable for anything sneaky and underhanded like that. Plus even if he did read any of this, what's he going to do? We'd know exactly where it came from and we're friends, he'd want to keep it that way.

Okay I see where you are going with this and I like it. One thing though bro, there is no way you'll get that dude to be anywhere close to fucking reasonable, he is always a dick, I've never known him to be anything else. If you can get him on board and again I think I know why you want his help, then fuck yeah, we have plan 2.0 new, shiny and improved! Also beautifully malicious, which is important.

Yeah but it's Artie he'll bounce back, probably come out of the whole affair smelling of roses, he's fucking annoying like that.

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Some Like it Hot (Other's Don't)**

God, I have had to flee the continent! Look, I know you'll be all disapproving but bloody hell I need some time to think! I've had my moment of madness, upheld the gentlemanly code, acted with honour, maturity and distinction et cetera but I damn well regret it. If you insist that I do not blame you (though much blame does indeed rest on your shoulders for prompting my moment of utter insanity) then at least allow me to blame Francis who has acted abhorrently this last while. I just don't know, sending letters and poetry and such the like, giving false declarations! Then he takes advantage of my family situation, for I now know he did that just to anger me though I always suspected as much, two of my own bloody infernal brothers! Then he adds insult to injury by passing up the only opportunity he is likely to ever get and giving some bullshit excuse, what is his angle? He is an arse. Well, I can tell you this, my friend, I will be infinitely more careful in the future. Stone Cold Sober – that will be my middle name (but still spiffing good company).

Alfred

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Back to the Future**

I truly did not expect you to follow any of my advice Arthur-san but I am glad you did. It shows you are indeed a man of great honour and integrity and it was extremely enjoyable to watch your joyous news spread and the developments that resulted from it. China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam send their well wishes. I am especially relieved that you are taking my advice as far as your worrying drinking habits are concerned and if you need a safe place to turn, please know you are welcome at my home anytime.

I feel I must speak plainly with you Arthur-san as you give me the same courtesy and are always so open in relating your feelings to me. I think you have displayed some interest - however small – in Francis-san and you need to address your situation with him, Romano-san and Spain-san. Please closely and truthfully examine your feelings, it is quite apparent in some of your correspondence that there are unresolved, long standing tensions between you both. If you truly feel marrying Romano-san would be a mistake you must remedy it now before it is to late, talk to Romano-san and listen to what he has to say, you must stop running away, it is very unlike you. I wish you success,

Kiku

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Apocalypse Now**

Well I am so very pleased I was able to entertain you all, I will comfort myself with that thought when I am being domestically abused by my wife to be! Have you ever met Romano, Kiku? He is nothing like his harmless, idiotic younger brother, nothing! Feliciano is a sweet boy, but Romano is the devil incarnate! I am hiding from an Italian, I'm being called a coward BY AN ITALIAN, surely this is a sign of the apocalypse! No doubt my brothers are laughing at me, and really, who can even blame them for it? How exactly am I supposed to straighten everything out with someone who wouldn't understand reasonable behaviour if it jumped up and bit them on the arse? His own words, he already hates me and we aren't even married yet. God the ignominy of it all. I need to take some time out to plan major evasive action.

Just leave the issue well alone Kiku, I have nothing more to say on that particular subject, we are not talking about the frog. That man will henceforth be a forbidden topic of conversation.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Must Love Frogs **

I think Arthur is close to breaking point, Alfred-san; I am slightly worried about him.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Wrath of Englishman **

Not your fault the old man's gone crazy Kiku, he's always been temperamental, most of these highly strung types eventually snap, just make sure you stay well clear when he does because I predict it will get messy and very _very _violent. Not seen Artie like that in a while and with Spain in a similar mood things could get interesting. Keep me updated man.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – A Space Odyssey **

You okay dude? I've heard some worrying reports concerning you, fleeing your beloved who is on some kind of rampage apparently. Need any help, just ask - I'm here for you bro.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – The Day the Earth Stood Still **

I'm touched that you care Alfred, I obviously did _something_ right raising you, though not much if your recent visit is any indication. I am perfectly fine, not fleeing anybody thank you very much, I am perfectly capable of handling one craven Italian. I am simply on holiday, taking a brief break from Francis' constant advances; his crying himself to sleep every night was interfering with my routine. I do so hope you are keeping yourself and your brother out of trouble, though I fear not if this suspiciously pleasant correspondence is anything to go by, I know you too well boy.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Life of Brian**

Man I can't do anything right, can I? You need to chillax Artie before your aorta explodes out of pure pent up stress and rigidity. Can't a little bro enquire after his father figure's well being? And on the note of me being the favourite son you never had can you please leave ME all of your magic books and NOT Mattie, also Stonehenge, for Tony. Thanks Dad.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Holy Grail **

Word is you are going to die or be killed. Sorry to hear about that. You kind of owe me for largely ignoring my existence when you were supposed to be raising me so let's cut to the chase, I can has the Magic books? I really don't want them falling into Alfred's hands, just think about it for a second and then make a real effort to remember my name and address and bequeath them to me instead. Oh and if the words Alien Orgy mean anything to you DO NOT give Stonehenge to Tony. Please and Thank You.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – ****Lei Siu**

**Subject – Arthur's Day Off **

I'm coming to live with you until England leaves my home again.

* * *

**To – ****Lei Siu**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – It's a **_**Wonderful**_** Life**

Sure, why not, you needn't have asked, not like I'd be doing anything anyway.

Why is Arthur with you? I thought China got all prissy whenever he came to visit, maybe you'd be better dealing with all that shit, eh?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Gladiator**

You're in the bathroom _again?_ Was that you I could hear screaming from the other end of the house, Cthulhu hasn't appeared out of the drain has he? Because I told him not to do that to guests anymore. We used to wrestle you know, haven't done that in a while, not after he nearly broke my back.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Jurassic Park**

Yes, I find it mysteriously peaceful, can't think why. I was not screaming, I was, in point of fact, singing very tunefully. HK has decided to come and pay me a visit since Arthur has turned up there, I can hardly say no since it was my fault, however he is quite difficult to predict and I highly doubt he'll just stay out of the way while plan 'Pwn Prussia' is underway. Of course he might for the lol's, he's strange like that.

No, he tried to yesterday but it turns out he does not like Pop

Music, too soft for a face eating squid monster from outer space it turns out, hence the singing tunefully. Why did you tell him to do that in the first pace? I hope that you do not mean that euphemistically, why where you wrestling Cthuhlu, death wish much?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Blazing Saddles **

You locked yourself in the bathroom for three hours and I had no way of contacting you! Just leave the fucking door open, nothing I haven't seen before and it is bloody annoying having to run to the other end of the house to shit, stop being a girlie douche. Because I can and because I can, obviously. You would too if you owned a giant space monster.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – This is Spinal Tap**

Oh imagine that, I'll go collect my viola since a fiddle would be too small for the tragedy of the situation. You should be thanking me; you could do with the extra exercise. You must have been responsible for the death of a whole ranch of cows since I got here. Don't get your panties in a twist though, I'm heading home tomorrow, we really have to get our Machiavellian machinations underway. I would at that.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Grosse Pointe Blank **

Ah, Matvey I see you have once more arrived home. I hear it is a beautiful place to live, we shall find out once we become one I am sure. I will forgive you just this once for not returning my mail, I understand you could not in the presence of that capitalist pig you call brother. He is a bad influence but I understand you wanted to contact me, da? You cannot run Matvey you have been…marked and mother Russia will always know where you are, you cannot hide from me and you cannot afford to ignore me.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Once Upon a Time in the West**

Actually I generally call him Alfred, or Al, idiot, douche, fucker, Sherlock, Einstein, Captain America, etc…brother is more his thing.

Matthew

P.S. Bite me.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – All Quiet on the Western Front**

I plan on it Matvey.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Raiders of the Lost Ark**

Ahahahahah HK just sent me an interesting picture bro! I'm liking your new style, suits you perfectly.

And seriously, dude, you leave yourself wide open were Russia is concerned, dude is a fucking douche king, don't feed the troll.

Alfred

P.S. Since when have you called me 'Sherlock'? Wasn't he pretty cool? I'm sure he was in some film with explosions and shit.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Temple of Doom**

I am going to kill him! I did not put that on! How the hell did he…?

I know that, Sherlock, but he is just so fucking creepy, makes me want to scream defiance if only to cover up the fact he makes me slightly nervous.

Anyway, Russia aside, I have arrived home and our target has been located and engaged. Operation 'Destroy Prussia's mind (what little is left of it)' aka, 'Pwn Prussia', to some lacking in style, is afoot.

Matthew

P.S. Since now, Einstein. Ah I forgot you always fell asleep miraculously in time for Arthur's bedtime stories.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Last Crusade **

Mad ninja skillz I suspect.

I get it but you have a rather understated way of screaming defiance. Very Canadian. I would have been all: FUCK OFF YOU COMMUNIST SON OF A BITCH.

P.S. Now that dude was a motherfucking_ genius_. Yeah well I was taking no chances after that one about the man on the beach with the cannibals, you'd think it'd be interesting. So. Fucking. Boring.

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Fantasia **

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, HALLELUJAH! Mission Accomplished, Prussia the AWESOME reigns supreme. Matthew is…something else. He was extremely thankful for my timely rescue mission and enthusiastically repaid me in kind for services rendered. I am going to chill here until I figure out how much everyone knows back home, probably everything if West's reaction to you is anything to go by.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Judgment Day**

Dude HK has just turned up at my house and he is really pissed off with you. What'd you do? I thought you guys where like BFFs or something? Man, I've _never_ seen HK pissed before; you've managed to anger him, its cool! How'd you do it? I want to try.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Good, The Bad and the Ugly **

He tried to sneak into my room during the night and saw something he didn't like, something Prussian and obnoxious. That guy is way too loud for anyone's good. Thus is Phase One of our glorious plan underway.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – A Fistful of Dollars**

Oh, well, been there and done that, far too literally. Wait, say what now, Prussia? You fucked _Gilbert_! How could you, you massive asswipe? I fucked him already!

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – For a Few Dollars More**

How could I? Would you like a blow-by-blow account of the experience? Okay bad wording, ignore that. You did not fuck him Al, he fucked _you_. Plus its obviously what he's been after this whole goddamn time so I figured it'd get him off our backs and let him feel victorious. I certainly got him on his back. Anyway, this is Phase One, part of the plan! Need I remind you? _We_ came up with the bloody thing! For this one _I _have creative control. Annoying when people don't let you into their schemes, isn't it? Plus this way he is feeling safe and off-guard, perfect time for us to pounce. The parallels with Arthur's situation will strike him immediately and make the whole thing more believable. How else did you think I was going to get him to believe he had to marry me? In summary: You can thank Arthur, he was my inspiration. Seriously Alfred, I've got this, he won't know what hit him.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Infernal Affairs **

He let you, eh?

Fine, I get it, this is payback for Arthur's house, you did warn me I suppose but really, why bro, why him? He's fucking mental!

I will not be thanking Arthur for this because that whole little mindfuck was not actually his idea, it was in fact Kiku trying to be helpful, sneaky little bastard that he is.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Close Encounters of the Third Kind**

You're one to talk.

Eh, Al? Isn't that my thing? You take every opportunity to remind me of it after all.

Well I wouldn't call it payback, more like a warm up. He might be mental but it turns out the universe was not going to leave me alone until I'd had my fill of mental, first it hurls Mikkel at me, then Ivan and then Gilbert. Given that choice who would you have gone for? I'll be glad when the universe just fucks off and lets me have a quiet life once again. God, I can't believe I used to complain about it, careful what you wish for, eh?

Kiku. R-h-eally? I think you ought to keep a closer eye on him Al, he is wily, the force is strong with that one.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Die Hard**

You're killing me bro.

You do realize that he now has a video of you as well as me, not exactly helping on the blackmail front.

You've said that already. Kiku's fine, no need to worry your pretty little head on that point, my BFF wouldn't fuck with me. He's smart enough to know that would be pretty fatalistic.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Lethal Weapon **

I know, I was counting on him having a video of it. You know people are just going to think it was you anyway, so its barely going to affect me and you do owe me. If you saw the video you'd realize that if it ever got out it would be much more harmful to Prussia than it would be to either of us. This works on two levels, it neutralizes the first video with you and it means Prussia will be feeling triumphant and off-guard, just look at his recent correspondence with Francis if you need convincing. Less of the pretty little head or need I remind you who got fucked by the non-existent nation?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – I Am Spartacus **

How? I want to see, send me a copy!

Well played.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Pulp Friction **

No! God you are so perverse. All I am going to say on the matter is people forget I was raised by Francis and he thinks the most licentious of topics are appropriate to talk to his little brother figure about.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Dark Knight **

I can hardly be blamed for loving my bro and wanting to protect him. Brother will protect you cause he is an awesome hero.

You know I'd do _anything_ to protect my wee bro.

Is that your way of saying 'shit got kinky'?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Rear Window **

I really don't need you to, in fact I'd much rather you didn't or have you forgotten: you sold me to Russia! Plus you've just said a variation of the exact same thing three times Al, you need to get a grip, you never used to be so concerned for my safety and do you know what? I was much safer when you weren't. Now look what you've made me do, say the same thing twice, it's obviously catching.

You'll never know, unless Prussia does in fact leak it in which case you will know. Despite his strange Germany kinks I think he usually likes to be in charge though, so I doubt he'll let that happen. Sucks for you.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Whisky Galore!**

You'll never let that go, will you? I was Charlie-fucking-Sheen'd!

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Reservoir Dogs **

You SOLD. ME. TO. RUSSIA! Give me some fucking time to get over it.

God Al, you are not normal!

Incidentally, you'll never achieve that level of 'winning''.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles **

Way to state the bleeding obvious Matthew, I'm a fucking nation, I'm the United States of America, of course I'm not normal. You are CANADA; you are the anthropomorphised personification of a fucking country. Seriously dude, who are we to talk about what's 'normal'?

I'm bi-winning, bitch

* * *

**To – Gilbert **

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Prussian Bride – Two Weeks Notice**

Hey Gilbert, just to avoid future confusion and save newlywed arguments that could lead to tiring make up sex these here are the rules of our engagement. This is less of a discussion and more of a telling by the by.

I am the man in this relationship. I own New Prussia and I am using this as the precedent for me to rule old. This also makes sense in the context of our power, namely I have all of it and you have none. Mine is continually on the rise, I am the second largest country, I am reasonably wealthy, I have an extremely wealthy relative that has power over most of the western world and simply runs roughshod over the rest, my welfare system is good and I am the world's largest manufacturer of maple syrup. So yeah as much as I love you, I _own_ you. You have been outranked.

To the wider world I might not have much in the way of presence but you, on the other hand (and mainly for the wrong reasons), do and so our relationship will work on the understanding that you have the presence and I have the power (see point one for more details as to the why).

I was actually really surprised that you wanted to make such a lasting commitment, I never expected it of you but your actions last night speak for themselves. I have already been in touch with Arthur, my guardian, and I am glad to tell you he has given us his permission and his blessing. All that remains is for me to tell Alfred the happy news. I am going to ask him to arrange the ceremony, small and intimate so no one can hear you scream, hahah! I would really appreciate it if you would contact your younger brother and get his blessing. Please invite him to the ceremony which will be two weeks from now and held in Canada, a location that discourages rescue parties due to the difficulty most people have in locating it, which just goes to show that size isn't everything – just as well for me, I suppose (I crack myself up sometimes). Please don't wonder off Gilbert, you never know what trouble you'll run into if you do; Canada, it's wild.

Your soon to be husband, Matthew

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Kill Gilbert **

West! Magnificently awesome younger brother, I need your help! You must forbid Canada your blessing otherwise he will force me to marry him regardless of my personal opinion. That whole family is seriously deranged, West, DERANGED! He takes 'no I am not going to marry you' as some kind of hilarious joke! America on the other hand responds to the same statement with threats of violence, he said he'd make the wedding scene at the start of Kill Bill look mild! We don't want them among our number; think of the future, they are batshit crazy! Do this for your loving brother who will come home immediately and do anything you want him to as reparation for recent events, they would not dare to cross Germany, would they, come on West, I need you.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ludwig**

**Subject – Brother of the Bride **

You have my blessing, please inform me when the ceremony is to take place so I can be there to make sure East does not cause any trouble. I would love to congratulate you but I feel sorry for you in all honesty, love has dealt you an unfair hand.

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – A Clockwork Orange **

Vile betrayal! I won't forget this! If you honestly think I am going to get caught out by the likes of them then think again, west, think again. I'll _not_ be seeing you then.

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Casablanca **

Thanking you Luddy, I was delighted to hear about you and Feliciano man! Much joy to you both. Poor Mattie, out of his mind to want to be saddled with your asshole of a bro but we can't fight love, can we? Unless it includes commies of course, then it is our duty to fight it. Take Feli with you when you come, there will be some acquaintances there he'd enjoy speaking to, from the fatherland.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Ludwig**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb**

Yes, thank you Ludwig, it is much appreciated. Alfred is taking his Best Man duties very seriously as you can see, even if it means reading my mail but I have given up trying to get him to stop. Glad to hear about you and Feliciano, I wish you well.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Great Escape **

Hey, did you see that Mattie, Prussia just contacted Francis, he is trying to leave you bro and we can't have that, not after what he has done, he needs to take a lesson in responsibility from England I think. He called us the devil twins, awesome! You know what they say – two is a terrible number.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Seventh Seal **

No one says that. He _is _taking a lesson from England; he is running away and right into our trap.

It is official; Phase One of the plan is complete, target on the run. Red Leader standing by, commence Phase Two.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Spirited Away**

I say it and I _am_ 'they'.

Target sighted and locked. Blue Leader commencing Stage Two.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Vash**

**Subject – Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels **

If one atom of you so much as finds itself on Swiss land, you or that abominable Frenchman then I will kill you. This is not a boast, an exaggeration or an empty threat; it is an honest to God promise. You will be holier than Swiss cheese. I have already spoken to Ludwig who was very interested in all I had to say and we have an understanding. Whatever fucked up kind of relationship we had before is henceforth terminated – terminally. Oh and Gilbert, five meters? More like 5cm.

* * *

**To – The Universe **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Gilbert Vs The World **

FUCK YOU! YOU UNFAIR, UNAWESOME, MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD OF A WHORE.

* * *

**To – Gilbert **

**From – Francis**

**Subject – The Sound of Music (but in reverse)**

Ah, Gilbert, mon ami I have the perfect place for you to hide. It turns out that Roderich did indeed relate the details of my offering to Vash who is less than happy with us at this moment in time. It will all blow over I am sure. You currently find me in Scotland with my old friend Donald, awaiting the departure of Romano who seems to be preparing to go somewhere at speed, though he will not reveal where I imagine that he is chasing the shadow of Arthur. Speaking of Arthur, I am hoping he will be returning soon now that the coast is once more clear of angry Italians. In the meantime I am trying to convince Donald to be more hospitable and show his guest a little attention but he is largely ignoring me, this is not upsetting me greatly, l'amour is always more interesting when there is endeavor involved otherwise I would have given up on Arthur long ago, non?

I am not concerning myself needlessly over Vash, I doubt he will find me here and well, even if he does Donald and I have a longstanding, historic alliance and I like to think he would uphold said alliance and impede Vash on my behalf until I had time to arrange a more suitable place of residence. As for yourself, Gilbert, the words 'eye of the storm' come to mind, Elizaveta does owe you rather a large debt of gratitude and Roderich's betrayal was inappropriate, very ignoble and unsporting. It was Elizaveta's responsibility to keep him in check and you had his_ word_ that he did not care enough to interfere and you know how much emphasis he usually places in such trivial things. So oui, in summary, they owe you a favour. Who would ever guess were you where? No one! I am genius, non? I must go mon ami, I wish you well and hope Matthew has not frightened you too much. Donald related all the details to me and I could imagine your reaction, you could do worse you know, he shares genes with moi after all. Hit it and Quit it? Really Gilbert, must you be so inelegant, it is making love! A beautiful and delicate art form, not this 'hit it' you brute.

Francis

* * *

Can you tell I was working on this on May 4th?

So time wise this runs parallel to the last chapter finishing just a little after it.

I feel bad about this being half a chapter. 10.2 In Which America Wages War Against Russia. Alfred baits Ivan in his attempt to come up with a plan to handle him, phase two progresses with the help of some Italian intimidation, Romano gets angry-er and Arthur finally snaps. The source of Spain's recent attitude change is hinted at, Vash makes demands, Alfred makes money.

Reviews and criticisms appreciated.


	12. 1021 In Which Canada and America Dream

Many thanks to **ZoosWho, The Un of Uncommen, LapinNoirDeCalifornie, ShadowFire52 and RasalynneLynx **also a thanks to **Night13** for giving me the idea to use the mafia. Thanks to all who favourited, read and alerted!

Ah I am so very sorry, since starting work again my updates have been extremely late and feel rubbish and useless half the time. This has managed to be only half of the half chapter I planned. The other half is still to be written but it was going to end up much longer than my longest chapter so far by keeping the two together so I had to, yet again, partition it. You are free to hate me I can't fucking judge the chapter length AT ALL. If I hadn't been working and had more free time I would have maybe restructured the last couple a bit so this one didn't go on forever but alas the cruel gods have set themselves against me!

Disclaimed - I swear by the Gods I do not own Hetalia.

* * *

**All Good and Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

**Chapter 10 Part 2 Part 1** - **In Which Canada and America Dream of Electrified Sheep**

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Vash**

**Subject – Black Company**

America,

I want you to hand over Gilbert; I understand he is currently residing with you. You should probably be warned that it is likely he has provided Elizaveta with pictures of an intimate nature, if your relationship _was_ of that nature. I highly doubt he was visiting you for your stimulating intellectual conversation at any rate.

Vash

* * *

**To – Vash**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Pride and Prejudice **

Dude, whoa, slow down there, wrong brother! You're looking for Canada, Matthew Williams, seriously world not that fucking hard to remember, he lives right next door to me!

Which one is Elizaveta again?

Alfred

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Vash**

**Subject – Crime and Punishment**

Can-whatever,

I have been informed by America that you are his brother and are currently playing host to Prussia. I want him delivered to Switzerland, preferably lucid enough to realize exactly what is happening. I would come in person to retrieve him but I quite frankly don't know where you even live and I am aware that it would not be considered good manners – or good for international relations – if I shoot him while he is resident in your territories. It is easier all round to just do it here. I have contacted Ludwig and he did not seem adverse to the endeavor so you have no need to fear retribution on that front for your part in handing him over. If you do not comply and continue to shelter the reprobate I will come to your land, relations be damned, and shoot both him and you. And your brother who I know is helping to shield him.

Vash

* * *

**To – Vash**

**From – Canada**

**Subject – Vash, Dick**

Eh, Vash –Switzerland, yeah? Are you insane or something, trying to threaten Canada and the USA with guns? They literally give away guns at Alfred's place! Have you ever seen Alfred wield a firearm? I'm going to assume the answer to that question is 'no' since the last world meeting we attended you looked whole and rather healthy.

I will not be handing Prussia over but let me assure you he is suffering a fate worse than death. He might in fact thank you for shooting him in the head. The next still, clear night you get if you listen hard enough you can probably hear his screams. He is impressively loud. The stupid ones usually are.

Fear not though, your lady love will be delivered home once his mind has been systematically destroyed. Once we have delivered him home you are free to do whatever the fuck you want but until then kindly piss off, thanks.

Matthew

P.S. You might want to buy yourself a map, I don't give a shit if you know who I am or not but you should probably acquaint yourself, at the very least, with the location of the second largest country in the fucking world.

* * *

**To – Vash**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Great Expectations **

Vash was it? It's America here. As you can see from my brother's response there is really no point in trying to go up against us in the firearms department – if you do you are quite honestly fucked. While this probably is not upsetting Matt much either way it would upset me greatly to have to launch an offensive against you when we could conduct our business in a much more satisfactory manner.

We've both been fucked by Prussia, I get where you're coming from on the revenge side of things, Mattie doesn't quite understand not having been in our unfortunate position. In fact Mattie is doing an awesome job at making Prussia his bitch. You should see it, he has him practically cowering, it's hilarious, he's very literally whipped. This probably only comforts you to a certain extent and since I sympathise in exchange for some…capital I will gladly let you know the exact time and place of Prussia's drop off so you can be waiting for his glorious and traumatised return.

Alfred (America)

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Cold Comfort Canada **

Nicely done Al, good cop/bad cop, a classic. He doesn't need to know that the president has confiscated most of your firearms off you, especially your more…exotic models.

Romano should be approaching Arthur's position very shortly; you remember we agreed on divide and conquer? Well Spain is pretty much out of the equation now all things considered but as we saw recently, that leaves France and well, France is occasionally capable of semi-useful ideas, like that little eye of the storm logic and is Gilbert's main correspondent, which brings me to my main point:

What is the one thing Francis wants more than anything else at this moment?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The **_**Secret **_**Garden**

Sex?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – A Tale of Two Cities **

Obviously Al, but specifically, who does he want it from?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Our Mutual Bro**

Arthur, probably, if their recent e-mails are anything to go by. Arthur would never admit it but its hardly a one way thing they've been chasing each other in circles for centuries, I mean you'd expect it of Arthur being the stiff upper lip sort that he is but Francis? Massive fail from the nation of love. Does not inspire confidence.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew **

**Subject – The Tragical History of Doctor Beilschmidt**

Exactly! Can't you see? What have we managed to do in the last few days do you think?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Interesting Times**

Aside from Prussia you mean? We got what we needed off Romano by setting Arthur up, traumatized Prussia, and started an international war with Russia. Great work all round. So, what is all this about?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Canada the Champion of the World**

We told Arthur to flee and got Romano's help by telling him where he fled to, right, so why not do it again? Would Francis remain loyal to Gilbert if we promised to deliver exactly what he wanted to him? We kind of owe Arthur for the prank you pulled at his home so we'll be killing two birds with one stone.

I did not start an international war with Russia, not _yet_. All I did was tell him to fuck off and have ignored all his calls since then, quite understandably and I said please so I was hardly uncivil. Okay, well maybe having his number blocked was slightly risky and offensive but it was extremely distracting to have the phone ringing constantly and it was starting to radiate a definitely Russia like aura.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Heart of Darkness **

Genius Mattie, genius. It would be perfect, Arthur would get to complain about circumstances being so cruel and how it was all against his will etc. and therefore would be happy as aside from dogs and tea there is nothing an Englishman likes more than complaining. Their attitudes are diametrically opposed to those of my awesome people. We have Romano on board and so it follows we can call upon Antonio at any time but it seems our work there has already been done, he doesn't seem inclined to look after Prussia's interests, we'll have Francis and Prussia will be completely isolated with enemies on all sides and the only chance he has is us. Perfect.

I'll get in contact with Artie, or actually I'll phone Japan, have him warn him, makes it harder for Romano to trace anything back to us if he takes that notion into his head – no honour amongst thieves and all that. Also I think it best not to let Arthur know this is our doing, I hardly think he'd appreciate the gesture, we are sending him to Francis. Yes, yes he wants to go but this is Artie, he'd never admit to that. He definitely wouldn't thank us.

It's only a matter of time, he'll have the nukes out faster than you can say 'Prussia and I are engaged' when he finds out, well, that you and Prussia _are _engaged. Do you really want Russia getting it into his head to crash your wedding? And he would crash it in a very real sense. I think you did the right thing were the phone was concerned though, he's probably like that chick from the ring, a week later he would have been out of that phone and murdering your ass – after he'd finished with it. God I bet that's where Japan got the idea for that movie! The crazy chick is based on Russia…it's all so clear now.

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – For Whom The Bell Tolls **

Ah, Francis, what _have_ you been up to recently? You've been up to _something _and I think it might involve our good friend Prussia. I think you know what _he_ has been up to. I think you have been helping him. I wonder what poor little Matthew would think if he knew that his big brother has been plotting against him with Prussia, I wonder what he would _do. _

Lets cut to the chase here, I'm no good at subtle and you are no good at denial, I know exactly what you have been doing and I know exactly what it is you want. Since I am the hero I don't want my bro to get needlessly hurt by learning of your involvement with Prussia so I am willing to make a deal with you. These here are my terms:

1) You cut off all contact with Prussia effective immediately, unless otherwise directed by me.

2) You support Matthew's upcoming marriage and cease any efforts to prevent it from happening. And before you deny all knowledge I know you know so shut it.

3) If the time comes when Prussia's schemes are to be revealed you will reveal them, but only when you are told to.

4) You do not mention a word of this to Arthur, or in fact anyone. You _have not heard from me_.

5) You forego paying any special attentions to Matthew and I for the period of one month (NO TOUCHING!). I'm not so stupid as to think I can get you to cease altogether but give us a fucking break you old pervert.

You'll want something in return, yes? In return I will send Arthur to you, willingly, he'll think it was his very own idea. You can take it from there, I suppose, if you are to be believed. Recent developments have me doubting your effectiveness as the country of love so try harder or I'll re-brand America as the continent of Love and no one will bother with you any more when they see how hot we are.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – As You Like It**

Oh Amerique, you sound so serious - it is very sexy. You should show this side of yourself more often instead of your usual oafish charm. I am quite happy with your terms, except for the last one, I do not 'perv' I seduce, entice, tempt, _love_. You better hurry if you want to save Arthur, Romano is looking for him as we speak, and it would be inconvenient for the both of us of he were to find him, non?

Francis

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – Of Mice and Men**

Arthur-san I have just heard a rumour, you know I usually would not indulge in spreading such things but since this pertains to your current situation and I am worried for you I am willing to break this rule to be of help to you while you are in need.

Romano-san is on his way to Hong Kong to find you; I hear he is more than a little upset. I know you do not greatly trust my advice after recent events but please consider these words without letting that colour your perception. I suggest Arthur-san that you go to France. This is not me trying to force you and Francis-san together or trying to affect a meeting of the minds between the two of you but tactically it makes the most sense for you. No-one would expect you to go to Francis-san for shelter, especially not right now while you are angry with him and let us face facts, when you are angry as much as you try to hide it_ everybody_ knows about it. Another point worth considering is Spain-san being at large with a fleet ready to sail, by being in France you are very close to home, that makes it easier, if it becomes necessary to take defensive or offensive action against Spain or Romano. You must keep in mind that Romano has his own people and those people are extremely unpleasant. France lies between Spain and your home so neither of them should be able to get anything past you without France coming to hear of it. If they go north the Nordics would make a noise and when the Nordics make a noise the whole of Europe hears it. You should consider that France is a well known friend of your two little brothers Alfred and Matthew-san and if you should at any point need their help it would not look remiss if they where to visit Francis-san but it would if they where to go to, say, Lithuania. I think one of the greatest points to consider, Arthur-san, is Romano-san's attitude towards Francis-san, he is mortally afraid of him, he literally cannot stand to be near him, he will avoid Francis-san like the plague and therefore you if you are residing there.

I do hope this proves to be of help to you, please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Regards,

Kiku

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – The Taming of the Shrew**

I am sober _and _I think that is a sensible suggestion despite the obvious drawback in the form of the massive froggy prick that I will have to put up with, still, his home is large enough, I can probably tie him up somewhere or leave him in a brothel to be distracted. Yes, I think that might work actually.

I am going to need to be close to home because I am not happy, Kiku, not happy at all. Being chased all over the world by a spineless whippersnapper, it will not stand! And that Spain, threatening me? Threatening the great nation that once, not that long ago, destroyed his armada like it was a mere afterthought, like he was blocking my view and was of no consequence! I'll put up with Francis if it means being in a better position to plan an offensive. Defense action Kiku, honestly what do you take me for?

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur **

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – The Truth **

And how would you describe your actions up to this point Arthur-san?

Yes, I thought it more likely that you would assume a defensive position; it is only the logical assumption to arrive at based on the facts so far observed in this particular case.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Kiku**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – The Art of War**

Part of the strategy old boy, get them feeling overconfident, sure of success, strike when they aren't expecting it. You didn't think I was running did you? Now come come, what would give you that idea? No I was simply lulling them into a false sense of security.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Kiku**

**Subject – The Lighthouse at the End of the World**

If you do say so Arthur-san. I think you can safely consider them extremely lulled; I would go so far as to say comatose. I think they see the light, no, Arthur-san they do not just _see_ the light they are walking _towards_ the light.

Kiku

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Arthur's Moving Castle**

Wotcher, Francis old chap. Need a small favour I'm sad to say but you better grant it to me or I will rip your balls off and shove them down your throat since this is all your doing no doubt. It would be a fitting end for you. Poignant.

I need to stay at your place and before you read anything into this I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON ME! This is for offensive purposes and so should you mention my presence to anybody you will be silenced. Permanently.

I stress this is completely against my will and if it wasn't for the fact that tactically your house makes the most sense I wouldn't be caught dead near the place. If you have some place else to be please don't let me stop you from going there, do I make myself clear Francis?

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Les Liaisons Dangereuses**

Well Arthur mon cheri, how can I refuse when you ask so graciously? You are as clear as ever mon petit, you want me to beg to be allowed to stay in my own house so I can grace you with my presence, very well, I am not one to disappoint and would I be the nation of love of I turned down a desperate lover?

Oh I am not going to be telling anyone where you are Arthur, I want you to have all your attention on me, you will not be getting away from me this time cheri.

Your soon to be _very_ loving Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Satanic Verses**

Good god frog, you really are a repulsive Letcher. Bloody wanker. Any funny business Francis and you can keep your fellow Spaniard, who will presently be residing under the waves, company in his watery grave.

You know you sound less like an experienced lover and more like a practiced stalker.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Midnight Tides**

I should be smooth like you, oui? I think I remember your words last time we had a romantic rendezvous, I think they where 'just shag me already you bloody fanny.' I should take pointers from this? It helped you that night?

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur **

**Subject – You Have the Heart of a Dog**

You HAD to bring that up, didn't you? I wish even more, if that is humanly possible, that I didn't have to be any closer to you than absolutely necessary, just forget it, I'm going to one of your other houses, you stay where you are and do not try to follow me there - I will not take this damn cheek off you of all people!

You hardly cared about phrasing in the past did you? I highly doubt my brothers whispered sweet nothing in your ear, in fact I bloody well know they didn't. Just shut your flappy frog lips for once and stop being such a prick.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Good Omens**

Oh I am sorry cheri; I touched an unexpectedly raw nerve? I though you could not care less about me after your surprise proposal to Romano, I was beginning to lose hope but you always find novel and eccentric ways to reaffirm our love!

If I am the frog that makes you the princess, non?

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – The Prince of Nothing**

Fuck it, whatever. Arse.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Le Petit Prince **

I am as ever impressed by your eloquence Arthur.

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – The **_**Sea**_** Frogs**

And I am as ever impressed with your ability to talk large amounts of moronic bullshit.

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – An Englishman in Paris **

Touché

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – The Odyssey **

He has escaped me just as I was about to get at him - there is an informer! This is a grave affront to my person and I am going to kill him for it!

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Around the World in 80 Days **

Kill who exactly, fratello, the informer or the informed?

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – A Murder, A Mystery and A Marriage **

Fuck them both.

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Medea**

Si that does sound like the most sensible course of action.

Ja, and it means you are covering all angles, very prudent.

Feliciano & Ludwig

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – METAMORPHOSIS**

STOP SENDING JOINT E-MAILS IT IS FUCKING WEIRD AND BLOODY CREEPY, BASTARDS!

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Turn of the Screw**

He is not in Hong Kong anymore, you better not be fucking with me, whoever you are! I made good on my side of the deal. Seemed he had been there and escaped just in time for me to miss him completely! I want answers or your new family will turn on you faster than you can say capisci, capisci?

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Stranger in a Strange Land**

You are a suspicious bastard. Why would I want to help Arthur? What possible motivation do I have? He has practically ignored me my whole life, even when he was fucking raising me. You might complain about Spain but imagine he just forgot about your existence completely, you'd be fucking pissed! I gave you the right information, I can't help that you didn't get there fast enough! This tied into my plans perfectly, so I'd rather you didn't fuck it up.

Your family is being put to excellent use and you should be happy as this particular almost-not-a-nation is currently not holding up very well under prolonged physical and mental torture. You do remember that he caused your whole situation, yeah?

Anyway putting all that aside I am making enquiries, or at least I am getting my noisy older brother to make enquires since Arthur is more likely to notice, and respond to, him.

Oh and I AM CANADA, CAPISCE?

M-A-T-T-H-E-W

P.S. You realise that my name is right in front of you after the word 'to' right?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Age of Innocence **

Wow Mattie, really playing up the tortured younger bro role there I see, very emotionally moving stuff, downright tragic one could say!

Alfred

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Six Feet South of Eden**

ARRRRGGGH, FINE BASTARD! WHATEVER YOU SAY JUST FIND OUT SOONER RATHER THAN FUCKING LATER AND IF HE DISSAPEARS ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I WILL HAVE YOUR BALLS FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY FUCKING CAPISCE.

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Arthur's Travels **

Sure, not that I can see what you'd want with my balls but fine America or I will be in touch when we have any news for you.

What is it with you and all this 'faster than you can say' stuff? Is this common Italian phrasing or just common Romano phrasing? I mean I've heard it before but you just used it, like, twice in a row.

Will you be attending my wedding Romano? Your brother and Ludwig will be making an appearance as well as your family, who have been extremely helpful; I thought you'd enjoy hearing Prussia begging for release. Before you start shouting that was not meant the way it sounds, I genuinely thought you might…oh hell, I'll be digging my way to Australia if you need me.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – How the Mafia Stole Gilbert**

Well bro, how goes the intricate and prolonged torture, is he coming round to the idea, do we need to mix things up? Any escape and/or suicide attempts? Don't leave me hanging here I await news in anticipation. Oh and what did you do that had him running so scared? I could hear him screaming like a fucking banshee as our newly acquired family recovered the renegade.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – The Great Gilbert**

Mein Gott Francis, you have to help me get out of here! I _cannot_ escape. Canada lets me out (like a pissin' dog), he's not locking me up like America tried to, not yet anyway, and for that I am bloody grateful to the little bastard but…I can't get off the fucking continent! America has _people _who are not letting me get past them, dangerous people of Italian heritage, I trust I don't have to spell it out for you, those American bastards have joined forces with that insane terror Romano. That must be it, how else exactly have they gotten the mafia under their control? Well, taking orders at least, there is no way they'd get that much without Romano's influence.

I have made six escape attempts, six! I'm running out of time here - only a week and a half before disaster strikes me down in all my awesome prime! I need you to distract them, both the devils and their shady helpers, a diversion of some kind. While they are distracted I will run and when they ask you where be sure to point them IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!

God if only these where the good old days and I had all my knights, we'd fucking show them who was boss!

I am counting on you here Francis, I'm desperate, an awesome friend in awesome need and all that. I promise to sleep with you if you do this for me, want a Kidney (or a lung)? Hell, I've got a spare one! That is how fucking desperate I am.

You have to help me out here you don't want my awesomeness diluted by _marriage_, do you? Imagine it Frances being forced to sleep with only one person FOR THE REST OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! Fuck.

Gilbert

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Guards! Guards!**

Torture is progressing well, he is nowhere near coming round to the idea - I think it might take more than a few days Al, come on. He has made a total of six escape attempts as of this evening, giving Kuma all those growth hormones really paid off though (they are going to wear off, right?) He was a weeping, bloody mess, probably the cause of all that screaming. I don't expect he'll make a suicide attempt no matter how much he shits himself, just doesn't fit. He has calmed down considerably though, he seems to be plotting another escape attempt this time with the help of a certain Frenchman, he just sent him a plea, better keep an eye on Francis just to be on the safe side, I imagine he realizes he is being watched but if he doesn't well he might just try to go back on his word, now he has what he wants and we cannot let that stand.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Importance of Heading for Mexico**

All right! Time to earn your Englishman dude. I want you to reply to Gilbert, tell him you are willing to help him, you'll give him his distraction and I'll stand our friends down. Make sure you persuade him of the importance of heading for Mexico.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Hard Times**

Sorry for the delay mon ami, my gentleman caller has returned, yes he is as drunk as the proverbial skunk and in need of an unlikely hiding place but it is progress is it not?

You are very generous indeed but I do not require you to go to such drastic lengths, we are friends non? I shall help you from the goodness of my heart, I do not want such vulgar promises, where is your sense of romance Gilbert? I despair of you!

When you run you must go south, you must make it to Mexico, oui? In all of those horrible movies Alfred watches the character is always safest once across the border, America cannot touch you there, not without the permission of Mexico himself and those two get on terribly, they hate each other, they fight constantly! He will protect you if you get there, I will try to make my diversion _exciting_ enough that you will have time to make it that far and I will intimate that you have gone up north to try and seek help from the Arctic or the general, I do not advise trying such a thing though, the General would not let you leave so easily.

Tomorrow morning Gilbert, you must be ready to go at sunrise. Good luck and Godspeed my friend!

Francis

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Deadhouse Gates **

Wow, Al, that was spectacularly cruel of you, he thought he'd made it, hell,_ I_ thought he'd made it. Aside from instilling a sense of hopelessness what was the point of that little exercise and why exactly did he come running back to Canada in terror? He cuddled me Alfred, cuddled! You are supposed to keep me informed, this is my plan and I've been good enough to let you momentarily control the contacts_ I_ procured! You don't want me to have to start feeling sorry for him do you?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred **

**Subject – Mexico's Years of Solitude **

Me and Mexico have currently called a truce, he just wanted a chance to mess with your fiancée a little, can't just ignore him Mattie, he deserves to have a little fun as well, not his fault I am more awesome than him and he can't handle it after all.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Something Wicked This Way Comes**

Who are you and what have you done with America? You and Mexico bitch constantly, the last time I visited him you wouldn't talk to me for three months! Sometimes I could swear you have a split personality. Ack, whatever, just keep me in the damn loop next time. Don't make me say it again or I will have it branded onto your balls so you'll never fucking forget it.

One more thing Alfred, if you re-read Francis' e-mail I think the treacherous fuck was subtly trying to alert Gilbert to all not being right, since when has he ever refused sexual favours? Since when has he considered them 'vulgar'? No matter what you wrap it up in he'll pretty much take it. And really 'goodness of his heart'? He has no goodness, he has no heart! And Gilbert knows him well, better than anyone I'd imagine (certainly better than any sane person would want to).

Matthew

P.S. On second thoughts your balls are hardly big enough for that but your head sure is and it'd have the added benefit of you seeing it almost constantly since you love gazing soulfully at your own reflection so damn much.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Men at Arms**

Leave my balls alone! What have they ever done to you? Sheesh, I get the message, no need to go on about it.

Well since he failed to comply with the terms of the agreement I think it is about time to alert Romano to Arthur's current location. We'll not bother forewarning him about any of this or maybe we'll send _him _a coded warning. Bro, shit is about to get _real_. About fucking time, amirite?

Alfred

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish**

Francis, we are totally NOT warning you that we know of your treacherous response to Prussia and we'd like you to know we'll be taking ABSOLUTEDLY NO REVENGE WHATSOEVER, MOVE RIGHT ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE, against you and your awful judgment calls. If it makes you feel better (and we hope it doesn't really) you are a better friend than we would have ever expected.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The End of the World News**

Alfred there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING coded about that warning.

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Divine Comedy - Inferno**

We've located Arthur he's in France. Due to Alfred's idiocy we can't say if Francis suspects you know but I'd move fast to err on the side of caution. I think we should warn you that it is likely that Arthur is going to start fighting back so if you have anyone that could back you up, militaristically speaking, you'd do well to make sure they are ready in the event of a worst case scenario. Good Luck.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – The Divine Comedy – Paradiso **

Bloody fucking hell that complete bastard! He'll not avoid our confrontation as easily as _that!_ Che, I don't care if he knows I am on my way _with a bullet that has his name on it_, he can't run forever, as long as I fucking catch him – hell he'd be helping me if he ran away from France, I hate having to go anywhere near that creepy bastard! Che Palle! Can a man not have a word with someone without having to chase them halfway around the fucking world?

Romano

* * *

**To – Antonio **

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Enders Game**

Hey, you, tomato bastard! I need your bloody ships to invade France! I'm going to pin that stupid Englishman down once and for all even if it means literally pinning him the fuck down, I will tie him to a rock and have a vulture pick out his liver every fucking night for all the trouble he has caused!

Romano

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Three Men in a Boat **

Well since you asked so nicely mi amor you have my ships.

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Feliciano**

**Subject – Carpe Diem**

And my white flags

And my tanks, rifles and tactical prowess.

* * *

**To – Feliciano**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Far From the Madding LOVERS JOINT E-MAILS**

Okay how the fuck did you two…never mind I don't give a shit. I don't want to start World War bloody III, so stay out of it you two AND STOP SENDING JOINT FUCKING MAIL, HOW MANY TIMES?

Romano

P.S. Lord of the Rings, oh very funny you two.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Les Miserables **

Who is this 'we' you talk of Alfred, does Matthew know of this? What are you planning you devil child? You did not tell him did you? Has he known about this all along? You have lied to me! I will not stand for it you little upstarts; you should respect those who raised you!

He wrote that e-mail didn't he? Why did I not see it sooner? You would never write 'Matthew and I' and refer to America as if it encompasses the whole continent and not just your egocentric home. Mon dieu, you have some nerve!

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Paradise Lost**

Hey, dude, we just wanted to help out Artie, if that meant getting something out of you in the process all the better. As out ex-guardian, ally and older brother we should be asking you why you helped Prussia use us, you are a terrible friend dude, plus despite you trying to help out Prussia with your coded mail you still agreed to our deal so don't act holier than thou jackass. You're like that French dude in The Ark of the Covenant, helping out the Nazi's for your own profit but Jones is on the hunt so you better watch your back motherfucker!

Alfred

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – The Shipping Forecast **

Hey dude, Romano knows Artie's current location and is trying to get Spain's assistance in the matter, I think it's a safe bet that Spain'll come through for him. He is too wary to step into Francis' home unguarded – can't exactly blame him, there are some places even heroes fear to tread - so you have a little time to work with here. Mattie had a word with you earlier, yeah? He said you'd know exactly how to make Arthur go batshit and all pirate-like. A minor war will help pass the time, amirite? Where there is more than one outcome, there is money to be made! I'm giving Arthur the benefit of the doubt but Matthew is playing – or _paying_, heh – devil's advocate and backing Spain and Romano. We are monitoring the situation and Arthur is just ahead in the polls it would seem.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – War of the Worlds**

Aye no bother wee man, I talked to Mattie earlier, I'm just about to leave right now - if anyone can get Arthur to lose his temper it's one of his big brothers.

I'm backing Antonio, there's no way he'll not fight like there are a thousand hellhounds at his back for Romano's sake and he has the benefit of having been prepared much longer for exactly this kind of a showdown. Arthur is still having trouble over-riding his own fucking government who appear to be fighting amongst themselves (some things never change) but I don't think he's trying very hard right now. No worries on that front though, the boys and I are helping to speed things up, I mean we can't have him beaten right away can we? Our men are in the fucking navy as well!

There's always a chance France will lend him military suppo- no, can't even bring myself to say it, France fighting in a fucking war – not bloody likely. It'll depend entirely on how desperate Francis is to fuck him – I'm not sure he'll ever be that desperate but hey, it's Francis, who fucking knows what lengths that licentious bastard would go to for sex?

Donald

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – A Farewell to Arms **

Et tu brute Francis?

It is obvious that you have betrayed me; our trio of awesome has been destroyed from the inside out! I can't even trust your advice to head to Austria or Hungary now, Gott knows what would be waiting for me when I got there! Well I will tell you nothing more but I will get out of this and I will pay you back for this betrayal, along with all the others, ALL OF THEM! I'LL GET YOU ALL, YOU'LL FUCKING SEE!

* * *

**To – Gilbert **

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Their Eyes Were Watching, Dieu!**

Mon dieu Gilbert, I was trying to subtly tip you off that something was not wrong, I thought you would realise by my refusal of your services that I was warning you away from trying anything! They knew all about what we had been doing! I do not know how, or when they came to know, they could have known from the very start but I could hardly do anything to help you when they have ways of watching me so I supposed I could play along on their side, get some information, covertly warn you of your danger until I could come up with something but non, you were too thick headed to heed my warning! You know me well; you are my friend, oui? Well go and read it and again and you tell me that I wasn't trying to warm you! I was very serious about you going to Austria or Hungary, I still think you should.

Since you know so much better Gilbert you will have to get yourself out of this one, I am unable to assist you at this time, I have been tied to Arthur's bed by the ankles of all things. It is not as pleasant as it sounds mon ami, I am being forcibly restrained here, Arthur did not at all appreciate my thoughtful and romantic wake up call. If only he had appreciated my effort this situation could be so much more pleasurable. I made the ungrateful man tea, just how he likes it, and he poured it over my lap. Petite Francis is not happy. Big Francis is not happy. He has stormed out in a rage - Scotland came over to see him and after he left Arthur went berserk! He was shouting and swearing and then demanded to know where I kept the cannons. Well I can tell you I am very worried and not just because he has left me here tied up, greatly in need of relieving the pressure on my poor abused bladder - I might heed a new kidney after all Gilbert! Ah but a silver lining at least, it was all very sexy I must admit hon~hon~hon~

We are close through our suffering ami; I wish you luck with your radical escape plan.

Francis

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Catch-22**

I think he is cracking for real bro.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Memories of Ice**

Phase two – the containment and ongoing terrorization of Prussia through the isolation of said nation from his closest allies - has been successful. Red leader standing by to enter Phase Three. We are halfway there.

Red Leader out

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?**

This is blue leader; success has been confirmed, commencing Phase Three.

Blue Leader out

* * *

Please, I beg forgiveness lovely readers! I feel like I am prolonging Prussia's torture, I'm so very sadistic ;-). Next chapter will have Russia, the Nordics and Baltic's, a wedding and the pulling together of the plans. As always love to hear what you think although I am a little disappointed with this one but I think a lot of it has to do with it feeling like only half a half a chapter!


	13. 22 In Which America Wages War on Russia

Thanking you: **ZoosWho, LapinNoirDeCalifornie, ShadowFire52, RasalynneLynx, Readers-Section, Fruk27,** **XxCapturetheLightxX**, and **Curious **(Questions answered at bottom since I can't PM :-)

These chapters are like gremlins _after_ they have been exposed to water, they growzzzzz! I am still hoping that the next will be the last though; it was going to be short, now it'll be gremlinifed. Real word. This one is long enough as it is.

So, I make my sheepish return, I got kidnapped by the kink-meme after going through a spell of writers block and now I might have bitten off more than I can chew. I am very sorry, Sleepy is fail and referring to herself in third person so clearly insane.

I have forever butchered song lyrics, lyric abuse: imminent.

Disclaimer – I own nothing, move along.

* * *

**All Good And Well Until Somebody Loses the Will to Live – Then it is Excellent**

Chapter 10.2.2 **In Which America Wages War On Russia**

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – Revenge is Best Served Hard**

Well, well, well…do you remember the words you last spoke to me? I'll assume that your memory was wiped clean by my awesome (and my awesomely beating you to a pulp) and will be so generous as to remind you. They went along the lines of 'You'll never get him, da?' How wrong you were Ivan, wrong then and wrong now. I _did_ get him and I _have him now._ He is going so far beyond your reach that you would have to be insane to even think you'll get anywhere near him again but you _are _insane, ja? You are crazier than a sack of weasels and infinitely more dangerous. That was not a compliment Ivan but a warning – stay away from what is mine. Why would Matthew ever want to pick you, crazy bastard that you are, over me? He wouldn't, he _didn't_. I am awesome and you better not forget it.

I don't even love him I just know in some sick and twisted way you do and that is reason enough for me to put him beyond you forever. Marriage is such a long-term, unbreakable thing, a very special bond. Just think, while you are shivering in the embrace of General Winter I will be fucking the one you love.

Keseseses…this revenge has been a long time coming. Don't come sneaking around or I'll build a wall across the Arctic higher and stronger than Berlin and anyone who dares to cross will be shot on sight. I couldn't possibly imagine how awful that would be, can you?

You picked the wrong guy to fuck over; I'm too awesome to lose.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – You Would Be Amusing If You Weren't So Pathetic **

Oh poor, dear, deluded Prussia. You think I will believe your empty posturing da? You never learn _little_ man. How many times do I need to break you to make you realize you will never be as great as me? You still need to make up your sillylies to try and back up your non-existent 'awesome' Kolkol, you are nothing facist pig, nothing compared to mother Russia, da? Do not cross me Gilbert or I will kill you this time…not that there is much left over from the last time I crushed your offensive _ratty_ face.

Ivan

P.S. I do not believe you Prussia but I will hurt you anyway, free of charge, Kol! Mother Russia is very generous.

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – You Would Be Pathetic if You Weren't So…No, You're Just Pathetic**

**Attatch – PruCan**

Lying am I? Well, this video here says otherwise. Say goodbye to 'Matvey' because you've been rejected. He's not returned any of your calls, has he? Or your e-mails, or invitations to stay over; he hates you.

You better watch what you say Ivan try not to forget who it is I am marrying he is the second largest nation on earth and he also happens to be a brother of the richest nation on earth (who fucking hates your guts) and I have my bruder's blessing. Time to start showing me some respect, ja? Unlike Alfred I won't just threaten you, I'll make it like you were never here. I'll make you _wish_ you were never here.

Awesome

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Preparing a Pit, in Which to House You **

Non-existent nations shouldn't get ideas so above their station; I will put you in your proper place.

KOL~KOL~KOL!

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**C.c. – Gilbert**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Prussia's 'Awesome' Place **

He's already Mattie's little bitch; he's in his place.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – When Your Brother and I Take Over the World I Will Re-Name the USA New Prussia**

GTFO you stupid shit and stop reading my bloody mail or I'll tell Matthew that you think your hockey teams are superior to his and see how well you bloody like that.

Gilbert, who you should remember is _fucking your brother_.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – When I Take Over Prus- Oh Wait, I can't, it **_**Doesn't Exist Anymore**_

As if he'd believe you.

Alfred

P.S. My brother is fucking _you_ actually, probably why you're so irritable, hurts to sit does it?

* * *

**To – Alfred **

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – My Non-Existent Nation Still Pisses All Over Yours**

Well you better just ask yourself…are you feeling lucky?

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – What With? An Equally Non-Existent Cock?**

The hero always feels lucky punk and don't you forget it. Also if you think this pathetic plan of yours is going to work think again dude.

Alfred, the relevant

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – I Will Have You, One Way or Another **

Matvey what is the meaning of this? You are not permitted to have sex with that..._Prussia._ Make him stay away from you or I will, da?

Ivan

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Seriously Man?**

That wasn't even me, it was Alfred. Dick.

Not permitted eh? Am I permitted to have sex with your mum? I hope so, cause I already did. Have sex. With your mum. Less MILF, more MIHF.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Very Serious and Very Much a Man **

Matvey do not lie to me, I will not tolerate it. Your behaviour has been very ungracious and I am beginning to lose my temper. You do not want me to lose my temper Matvey. I expect you to present yourself to me within two days time for your punishment. I do not want you spending any time with that Prussian or America – he poisons you against me and if he continues to do so I will trade like for quite alike, Kol!

You are being silly Matvey, you have never met my Mother but your lack of respect will earn you further punishment. I do not know who this MILF or MIHF is that you talk about but they are clearly as bad an influence as your brother, cease all contact with them.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – The Ongoing Trials and Tribulations of Matthew Williams**

Oh, _now_ he can tell us apart, eh? What a bloody bastard!

Al, we have a major situation…Russia knows all about Prussia and me and he is _not happy_. It turns out Prussia, the fucker, has informed him all about our recent encounter and our upcoming nuptials and has taken the opportunity to piss him the fuck off. I might not have helped matters much.

So now we have Russia at our backs, well, more so than before. Is there anything more frightening than that man?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You know what Matthew Williams Needs? A Hero Willing to Kick Communist Ass! **

**Attach – HeroTime**

Three words bro: Told. You. So. (Also I already saw Prussia's latest attempt, I think this one'll backfire though)

Not happy? Understatement of the century!

What the…'trade like for quite alike' what the hell does he mean by that? Doesn't even make any sense!

Well since this is a code red (we agree on that right? This is so totally a code red – like, red for commie, yeah bro?) It is fucking on! Step aside Williams it's my turn to formulate a cunning plan…the most cunningest of cunning plans that only an expert cunningologist could in fact produce, clear the way - it's Alfred Fucking Jones time!

I'm not saying your project isn't fucking A man, your project is ace, compliments dear bro, but I think it's time for me to take to the field of battle for this one, for America, for freedom – don't get me wrong this will be a combined effort as always and I am still going to be directing our…familial resources but Russia was partly my fault and _I will not let it stand. _

Over us looms a battle, we must fight valiantly on all fronts, bros in arms, bros in victory!

So don't you worry Mattie I will deal with Russia. Time to kick some commie ass, amirite?

Is there anything scarier than Russia? Yeah, you when you've run out of maple or lost a hockey match…I kid, please don't kill me 'kay?

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Stop Saying Hero You've Got Enrique Iglesias Stuck In My Head Now**

He's threatening to poison you. I mean what an idiot, right? He's obviously never seen you eat - there's no way mere poison is going to effect you, you grew up with Arthur _and_ you could actually stand his food without having to rinse out the taste with ten bottles of Canada's finest maple syrup. What a waste of good syrup, I still cry at night sometimes…

Okay Al I just want you to _think_ before you rush into anything here, lovely gesture and all but if you start a war I'm not fighting with you, just…_actually_ try to be cunning instead of only saying it. I mean you're getting carried away just writing about it. Take a step back from the situation please, and then another just to be safe and NO NUCLEAR ARMS ARE TO BE MENTIONED, DO I MAKE MYSLEF CLEAR?

What is it with you and code colours? Stop trying to imply there is anything wrong with red, red is the best damn colour out there. Let's call it code 'Oh Fuck Russia is Trying to Rape Me' it's more accurate.

Please Alfred - how many times will you force me to say this? - _Never_ tell me not to worry it has the exact opposite effect as well you know. Douche.

Matthew

P.S. Eh, Alfred, what exactly is that? Is that a…pole? Oh my God you've not taken up pole dancing have you? I swear my eyes still burn _burn_ from that time you ventured into the world of belly dancing - I had to cleanse my eyes with maple syrup.

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Ra-Ra**

Hey, Rasputin, leave my bro alone dude.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – Dubya**

Nyet, I think not _Bush_.

Ivan

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – I Can Be You Hero Baby, I Can Kiss Away the Pain, I will Stand By You Forever!**

That all? The hero doesn't die from something sissy and underhanded like poison, posioners are the worst, cowardly scum. Hey I resent the implication that I liked Arthur's food! Sure I ate it cause it was vaguely foodish but I didn't _like_ it, give me some credit bro! I went all out and whooped that stuffy Arties ass on the food front though, it was my suffering that lead to me creating such great American classics. So _that_ is what you cry over? I thought it was about me leaving you with Artie, dude, not fucking cool.

I'm not going to start a war, it won't get to that point, honest, I mean Russia would need to be around to take part in a war wouldn't he? _Chill,_ I've totally got this. Oh but I would like a couple of small nukes, even a hero needs to have a plan B.

I'm sticking with Red, no offense but your title is a bit over the top Mattie, lets just go with code red. You should change your national colour's you know, my people already worry about a Canadian communist invasion, try to be more considerate bro.

Not my fault you're a girlie boy that worries too much.

Alfred

P.S. The fuck Matt? Of course it's not, it's my special anti-soviet bunker; see the red phone there? Of course I have a fireman's pole in there because firemen are hero's that fight fires (also red) and I was a hero fighting commies!

P.P.S. Now I _am_ going to use it as a pole-dancing instrument though, hey we should totally get Prussia to put on a show!

P.P.P.S. You loved it really - IF YOU LIKE MY BODY AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY COME ON SUGAR LET ME KNOW

P.P.P.P.S. Stop using maple syrup like it has the ability to cure all the worlds ills, dude how are you not diabetic…and blind?

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Not Funny, You Want Me to Retaliate With the Beib?**

Between his own food and being the unwitting inspiration behind yours Arthur is really going to hell, eh?

What you thought, 'Don't take it away, I can't live without it!' was about you? You wish, man up…man. Seriously though Al, just how egotistical are you?

Don't, whatever you do, kill Russia. That is what would be classed as 'going too far'. Just no Al, NO ATOMIC WEAPONS OF ANY DESCRIPTION ARE TO BE USED IN THE CARRYING OUT OF THIS PLAN, B OR OTHERWISE.

I am not changing my national colour scheme to assuage your insane paranoia. That is all.

I am the girlie boy? Who exactly got fucked over by Prussia in the first damn place? Remind me again if you will. Not to mention you hid behind me when big bad Russia threatened you. Puh-lease Alfred.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – From My Anti-Communist Super-Secret Bunker of Red Death **

Seriously dude, don't push me just back the fuck off and leave Matthew alone.

(You are such a fucking _child_ Ivan)

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – You Can Hide but You Can't **_**Hide**_

Nyet. You are not listening to me America or maybe you are just failing to understand, da? Your stupidity is world renowned after all. You can't stop me Alfred - Kol, if I push you what are you going to do about it?

(Hello Master Pot, it's me, Mr. Kettle)

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Fuck Yeah**

I will take you the fuck down like I should've _decades_ ago. Dude, who'd side with you willingly? Haha you wouldn't stand a chance commie cause you'd be fighting the hero, the U S of fucking A, Alfred Fucking Jones!

America, FUCK YEAH!

Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,

America, FUCK YEAH!

Freedom is the only way yeah,

Communists your game is through cause now you have to answer to

America, FUCK YEAH!

So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,

America, FUCK YEAH!

What you going to do when we come for you now,

it's the dream that we all share; it's the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!

Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!

The Gap, FUCK YEAH!

Baseball, FUCK YEAH!

NFL, FUCK, YEAH!

Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!

The Internet, FUCK YEAH!

Hero time, FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

Liberty, FUCK YEAH!

Free Press, FUCK YEAH!

Epic bro, FUCK YEAH!

Bitchin' climate, FUCK YEAH!

Sex with your sisters, FUCK YEAH!

UFO's, FUCK YEAH!

The Cold War, FUCK YEAH!

Keeping You Away From My Bro_, FUCK_ YEAH!

Doing the Baltic's, FUCK YEAH!

Having friends, FUCK YEAH!

Being awesome, FUCK YEAH!

Slender bone structures, FUCK YEAH!

General Winter, FUCK YEAH!

Immigrants, FUCK YEAH!

FREEDOM, FUCK YEAH YOU FAT COMMUNIST SON OF A BITCH!

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Well **_**Now**_** We've Started an International War With Russia**

Very mature Al, was that your whole plan? If the aim of your plan was to piss off Russia to dangerous levels – globally dangerous, World War three dangerous, then congratulations, I think you've achieved it. We might need to revise the need for Nuclear armaments after all, happy now that you've just started the nuclear Armageddon?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – KILL IT WITH FIRE! (And Nukes)**

Well it was part of the plan, yeah. Anyway what's there to be offended about in my national anthem Matt? Come on it's more awesome than Canada Rocks or whatever it is you sing up there in that indecipherable accent of yours. FUCK YEAH! I knew you'd see sense and embrace plan B. Not that we'll need it.

Alfred

P.S. There's space in my bunker for two

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Your thinking of the Rockies Probably, or Not, Who Knows You're Clearly Insane **

That is NOT your national anthem and you know it, stop shitting me I'm not buying your 'I'm innocent, honest, just really stupid' act.

Alfred, it's French, it's not even in English, it has nothing to do with our accents! And it's called O Canada by the way and much better than your stupid banner song. Douche.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You Made Lincoln Cry, Apologise to Lincoln**

Hey! The Star Spangled Banner is the best song in the whole freakin' world and don't you forget it America 2.0, and once I claim your ass it'll be yours as well.

Still in the meantime couldn't you do something about the lyrics of your Canada song, they're kind of lame, especially in French, I don't know add some Canadia things yeah? I mean I've got freedom and liberty all tied up here, no need to copy bro; just add some hockey or something. You can thank me later.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Lincoln is Crying Over Your Stupidity, You Apologise to Him**

Oh no you fucking _didn't_ Alfred. I'm going to rip off your dick for that, you'll never be able to wank over your flag again.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Canada Rocks! Snowy Lands and Polar Bears, Canada Rocks! Maple and Moose…EH!**

Jeeze bro I was joking, calm down! Well except the bit about changing your national anthem, dude, it doesn't even mention moose, maple, beavers, polar bears, clubbing seals, hockey, aboot's or eh's. That's what Canada is all about right? That and socialists, you should totally add that to your new anthem: Canada Rocks (but not as hard as America).

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I Will Have My Polar Bears Maul Your Face Off For That Stereotype Ridden Travesty**

All national anthems mention freedom and liberty moron! Yours was hardly the first. Anyway, whatever Alfred, this is about taking Russia out of the equation not arguing between ourselves but just to be clear if you try to imply I am some kind of US clone or dare to try and so badly stereotype me again I will make sure there is no conceivable way for you to 'claim my ass'. Friendly warning like.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – You Wouldn't, They Might Maul Your Face Accidentally (Who?)**

I love you bro.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – I'd Smear Your Face With Meat Fat First…Actually You'd Already Have Done it Yourself **

Yeah well you're not so bad yourself…when you aren't being an egotistical asshole.

I'm getting my own back on Prussia for trying to kick off Cold War II, I think I've come up with something suitably horrifying for him, he was quite edgy when I was doing a Francis and walking around naked but I really don't think he was terrified edgy, more aroused edgy so that was a fail but hey, _this_ ought to work. And no I'm not telling you, you'll see for yourself.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Toris**

**C.c. – Eduard; Raivis; Bjorn; Mikkel; Tino; Berwald **

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – TOP SECRET AND VERY IMPORTANT **

Yo dudes I need your help (like, totally, Feliks –cause I know you're reading this too) and you so owe Mattie and I a favour. You up for getting a little creative revenge on Russia? Hells yeah you are!

Okay some background here, I'll keep it short cause my time is like precious what with being a relevant superpower and all. Prussia tried to fuck me and Matthew over, we didn't like that so we messed with his head a bit and then when he took it too far we decided on a fitting punishment. So, we isolated him from his friends and Matthew is going to marry him and he is shit scared, like seriously shitting himself. Okay so maybe we sound a little douchey here but trust me he was a major jackass and was going to fuck his friends over. Anyway all sympathy for him is cancelled when he decides to go ahead and wind Russia up about marrying Matt, that is a _crushing_ Russia who is fucking mental. So he was hoping that Russia was going to interrupt things and kidnap Mattie, I mean what is the worst Mattie would do to Prussia? Now imagine the worst Russia could do to Matthew. A spurned, pissed off Russia. Yeah, Prussia is a major son of a bitch. Mattie wasn't even going to keep him, he was totally planning on sending him home like the minute it was all over, not to mention were Prussia is concerned there are NO POLITICAL RAMIFICATIONS cause he's fucking dead already! (Does that make Matthew a necrophiliac d'you think?)

Anyway TL;DR

Prussia is a dick

Matthew needs help

Russia is a crazy bastard who wants to kill him dead or rape him or something; you guys have a better idea of what the gentle giant gets up to.

I'll contact you individually with instructions, I'm not taking any chances were the commie is concerned.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – I Think Not**

And what, pray tell, would you have us do? Idiot. We don't owe you anything, we, and that is to say, the Baltics, owe Matthew, not you.

Bjorn

* * *

**To – Bjorn**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Whatever, Don't Be a Bro Then**

Chill the fuck out Ice Queen, did you not read what I sent you, this is _for_ Mattie. On a side note though, everyone owes me, I'm the hero. I am distracting (angering) Russia currently and it is a very delicate process that only I can perform so he is going to be very fucking pissed very fucking soon and if y'all know more than you need to know that puts you in a bad position, at least this way none of you really know anything too damning. Trust me, the hero never fails.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – I Do Not **_**Want **_**To Be a 'Bro'**

I remain unconvinced.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Mikkel**

**Subject – Ignore Bjorn He's Got His Period **

Poor Moose, he really can't catch a break. I'll help though and I'm amazing so it'll all be fine. Not that I owe anyone anything, the King of the Vikings owes no man but you know Mattie was unkind enough to spurn my advances and if I help you out I figure he'll be indebted to me.

Mikkel

* * *

**To – Mikkel **

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Your Concern is Touching, Far Too Literally **

I'll pass on your condolences shall I? Ass.

* * *

**To – Elizaveta**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – A Very Special Occasion **

**Attatch – CanPru**

Hello Elizaveta it is Matthew Williams, America's brother.

I don't know if you have heard but Gilbert and I are getting married and he is experiencing a mild case of cold feet but I know he considers both you and Roderich good friends of his so I would really be very honoured if you would in fact both attend the wedding. I was also hoping that Roderich would perform the bridal march for us if I provided him with the musical arrangement as a surprise for Gilbert.

I have something else for you here, Gilbert seemed reluctant to share it with you but he hinted that there was some agreement between you so I thought it only fair that you were provided with what is rightfully yours.

Hoping to see you.

Canada, Matthew Williams, America's brother, North, seriously not America, here I'll show you:

Link - GoogleMaps_Canada - I am here.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Elizaveta**

**Subject – Whaaaaaa At Long Last! The Mighty Prussia, No Longer Afraid Of Marriage Cooties!**

I want your babies Gilbert! No, scratch that, I want not-America's babies so much it physically _hurts_, I swear I can feel my womb filling just thinking about that video! God, you are getting married as well, not-America invited me to the wedding and I am so fucking there boy. I can't believe you were going to try and withhold all that sexiness from me you sexy slash-hog. I can't even be mad at you right now though. See you soon lover boy!

Elizaveta

P.S. Huggles, I can't believe you grew up to be such a beautiful bride! Roderich offers his deepest sympathies to Matthew, he has such a great sense of humour has our Roderich!

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Such Sweet Agony Eh?**

I love to hear you scream Gilbear.

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Gilbert**

**Subject – I'll Show You Agony and it Won't Be Sweet Keseses**

Just you fucking wait till the wedding princess, lets see how great you're feeling when my special guest shows up.

* * *

**To – Gilbert**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Your Intelligence Astounds Me **

Probably be more effective if you didn't forewarn me, oh my Gilbear we are cracking aren't we?

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – It Is Hard To Bring Sexy Back When Forcibly Restrained **

Arthur I understand that you cannot bear the thought of me being with others but are your insecurities really justification enough to repeatedly tie me to my bed? As I have mentioned already this position would not greatly upset me if you were to grace me with your company but alas you are stubbornly running away from your true feelings like usual. All I ask is that if you are not in fact planning to have kinky sexy times in the foreseeable future then could you please just leave me to pursue kinky sexy times with someone a little more willing? I say please Arthur but know I am not asking you but telling.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – You Would Have Failed in That Endeavour Without My Help, I Am Merely Sparing the Rest of the World **

Yes Francis that is why, I am tying you up to stop you seeing other people. You have Internet access right? So you have opportunity enough to lure some unsuspecting sod to your lair, if I really wanted you to behave I'd have knocked you out or if I was wanting to err on the side of caution I'd have killed you, which I might do anyway for entirely different reasons.

Have you ever come across the saying 'Fool me once sir, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!' No? I thought not. You should take heed of it. This is the third time, did you really expect today's outcome to be any different from the last two times? Know the only reason I am tying you up is to prevent you from meddling in my plans. I heard from America what a turncoat you are (though I cannot imagine what he was relying on you for in the first place) and I am taking no chances since you are friends with the enemy. I will let you go once this affair has come to an end and before you complain about your bloody bowels if you look under your bed you will see I was kind enough to provide you with a chamber pot.

If you want fun times (I refuse to believe they are anything approaching sexy if _you_ are involved) just fucking ask someone wanker, I'm sure your former husband would be willing to help you out.

Oh you are telling me are you? And if I disobey what exactly are you going to do frenchie? Exactly, as per usual, nothing.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – I Will Spank You Angleterre**

I am detecting more than a hint of jealousy cheri, green does suit you so well though. You have no reason to be jealous as I have repeatedly told you, especially not over that little affair with your brother, it was inconsequential on both our parts and so long ago that it hardly signifies but you do suggest a means of escape despite yourself, I shall indeed get your brother to free me and maybe I will be especially grateful to him for doing so since his monster of a brother treated me so cruelly.

Admit it Angleterre, you just want to see me tied up. I do not blame you, I rather enjoy it; you do make a sexy policeman.

I resent that, there is a lot I can do and it would be best for you Arthur if you were afraid, _very_ afraid, Hon~Hon~

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Kiss This Thing Goodbye **

You were _married_ to my brother you arse! For centuries! Not that I care, because I most certainly do not and I'd be obliged if you remembered it. You can do whatever the hell you want to thank whomsoever the hell you want; it is of no consequence to me.

Yes I do want to see you tied up but not for the reason you are hinting at.

Resent it all you like frog but it doesn't change the simple fact that it is true. I never have been afraid of you Francis and I do not plan on starting now.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – The Things You Say and the Things You Do Not**

Oui but I did try to seduce you regardless and you me. I am glad to hear you do not care though; you so _vocally_ do not care.

You _are_ afraid of me Arthur, each time you come close to revealing your true feelings you shy away like the emotionally repressed Englishman you are. I should feel sorry for you and I do Cheri, you cannot help it but it is very frustrating!

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – I Say Exactly What I Mean To Say**

I resent that frog I did no such thing!

Am not frog! I regularly reveal my true feelings towards you; I can hardly be blamed for your refusal to actually listen to them.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Our Love is Older Than The Alliance **

What were all those fights about then mon cheri? You sure liked to keep me busy with you and you did attack your brother a great deal during our time together. Hon~Hon, how I remember our fights cheri, so passionate! We always ended up entangled with each other, your brother certainly misinterpreted the situation when he saw us on that memorable occasion during the hundred-year war; you started fighting him again not long after that if I remember. You must have been very _frustrated_ at our exchange being cut short.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – What, Older Than Dead?**

Why the fuck did you marry him if you loved me like you say you did? Not that I am naïve enough to believe anything you say you will just fabricate some great fiction, it will be the only time any fiction connected to France was ever labeled great I am sure.

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – You Just Can't See Past Those Monstrous Eyebrows Of Yours, Can You?**

Oh very low cheri, you are so very jealous of my great authors and poets, it is almost as if you felt threatened by their obvious excellence, just like you seem to feel threatened by my beauty and ability to state my feelings without having to pretend to hate you. I would tell you to 'get over yourself' to borrow a phrase of Alfred's but I am inclined to believe that is impossible for you. I am willing to accept you flaws and all though, you should be gratified.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – Better Than Not Being Able to See Past Your Dick**

You _did_ pretend to hate me you complete bastard! This sudden change you have exhibited is what is suspicious and no doubt pretend.

I need to get over myself? Oh pull the other one Francis for it hath bells on!

Arthur

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – I Don't know Mine Has a Rather Impressive Reach**

Non non non! I did no such thing cheri! I was very gentle with you always; oui, I may have _gently_ provoked you at times but I have always loved to see you aroused it makes you look beautiful.

You doubt my feelings Arthur? You are ever so cynical! You must learn to let yourself love before it is too late dear.

I will pull anything you ask me to cheri.

Francis

* * *

**To – Donald**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – Have My First Born's, Eternal Gratitude, Love, Respect etc.**

Ah Donald, will you please come over and untie me from the bed? I would be very grateful, I would love to offer you my services in return but I feel I am getting closer to seducing your brother, your presence will hopefully just tip him over the edge but really I am very tired of being chained to the bedroom (and I am sure that is the first time you have ever heard me utter those words and do not fear ami it will be the last!).

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – Aye Aye You Owe Me (Non-Sexually) etc.**

Aye fine, I'll come and help out because this will be fucking hilarious and I need to speak to Artie anyway since I've managed to steal a few warships for him 'cause I'm a fucking boss like.

Donald

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Romano**

**Subject – Sleep With The Fishes **

We are coming for you, you no-good, cowardly, limey fucker. I'm coming to take you away haha!

* * *

**To – Francis **

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – ALL OF YOU ARE BASTARDS, I WILL TAKE NO MORE OF THIS SHIT**

YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD YOU FROGGY WANKER, YOU WANT THE FULL SET YOU PRICK? WELL **FUCK YOU**!

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Francis**

**Subject – I Don't Know Who Is Offering You Shit But I Wouldn't Take it Either**

Calm down cheri, I think you have gotten the wrong idea here, your brother really was just freeing me from the predicament you left me in, I can see how it may have looked otherwise but truly nothing was happening.

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – ****Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You**

Freeing you from the predicament I left you in? Well that sounds extremely innocent after all, what do you think I am Francis, an idiot?

* * *

**To – Arthur **

**From – Francis**

**Subject – There is No Justice!**

Non, Arthur it really was innocent, that was not innuendo! He was just freeing me, oh fuck Arthur, why does everything suddenly sound so filthy?

Non I do not think you are an idiot, just paranoid and emotionally constipated. Just admit you fucking love me, why is this so hard for you? At the very least admit you want to fuck me, it may not exactly be what I want but mon Dieu you are driving me insane!

Francis

* * *

**To – Francis**

**From – Donald**

**Subject – ****Cuius Testiculos Habes, Habeas Cardia et Cerebellum**

Fucking yes! He has snapped, he really has gone batshit; magic! What did you _say_ to him? I haven't seen him this mad in a while, as a fucking hatter man!

* * *

**To – Romano**

**From – Antonio**

**Subject – Tonight We Dine In Hell!**

Oh my Romano, whatever you said to him really worked, he is very agitated is he not? Are you ready to fight Romano? FOR YOUR LOVE; WAR!

Antonio

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Eduard**

**Subject – Brother IT Reporting Success**

Alfred I have done what you requested, I hope it will suffice; I used an official Canadian address for authenticity, it does not do to underestimate Ivan and his paranoia. Make sure Matthew knows that it was I that hacked his nation address otherwise he might confront Ivan over it, which I fear would expose my part in the operation. If you need any help please just ask. It is good to be able to go up against Ivan in my own domain.

Eduard

P.S. Agent W is on his way, he will be in position when he is needed and is accompanied by Agent H.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Toris**

**Subject – Best Wishes My Friend **

Done Alfred, we all send our best wishes to Matthew; I do hope this goes well for all our sakes.

Toris

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Bjorn**

**Subject – I Have Come to the Conclusion That What Heroes Like Best is Themselves **

I have done as you ask, reluctantly, and have visited Ivan and passed on the information, Mikkel was with me and it went well, he seemed to believe us at least. I am taking nothing more to do with this, I have not taken anything to do with this in the first place, you have not heard from me and…good luck.

Bjorn

* * *

**To – Arthur **

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Failure to Represent Like a Bro**

I have been talking to Donald old man and he thinks you'll be absent from Mattie's big day, you suck dude, like totally but whatever we don't need your eyebrows messing all the photo's up and everything.

Alfred, Brother Extraordinaire

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – I Need a Dragon**

What, exactly, is happening with Matthew?

* * *

**To – Arthur**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Yeah…Can't Help You Out There**

Oh, eh yeah, I forgot all about…never mind, just, you know, his birthday is in a couple of months and all, didn't want you forgetting again. Yeah, that's it Artie, July the 1st, you better put it on your calendar or something, maybe mark it in you sparkly fairy diary. See you…then.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Arthur**

**Subject – I'll Deal With You Some Other Time, First, the Spaniard **

What the fuck is wrong with you boy? You know what? I don't need to know, I have more pressing matters to deal with here.

* * *

**To – Ivan**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Guess What Mattie's Doing Right Now…**

Sometimes, something beautiful happens in this world, not that you'd know anything about it so let me explain;

Mattie just had sex and he felt _so good_, Prussia let him put his penis inside of him, he just had sex and he'll never go back to his not-having-sex with Prussia ways of the past.

Have you ever had sex? (Stupid question, obviously not). _I_ have, it felt great (you should try it sometime…except nobody wants you, do they?). It felt so good when I did it with my penis, a girl let me do it (your sister, naw not chick with massive rack, the other one!), it literally just happened. Having sex can make a nice girl out of the meanest (though knife play should never be underestimated, kinky one you've got there).

Never guess where I just came from (even though I just told you because you're just that _stupid_ commie) I had sex, if I had to describe the feeling it was **the best** when I had sex with your sisters, man my penis felt great and I called your mum right after I was done.

Oh hey, you still there? Guess what Matthew just did? Had sex, undressed, saw Prussia's penis and the rest, was sure nice of Matt to let Prussia do his thing.

So FUCK YEAH Mattie just had sex and he's feeling good because

Prussia let him put his penis inside of him and he wants tell the world cause it was that fucking good (and there is nothing you can do about it).

To be honest I'm surprised Mattie even wanted to do it with him, doesn't really make sense, but man, screw it, I ain't one to argue with a good thing, he's going to be Matt's wife (and anyone's better than you). I'm so humbled by Prussia's ability to let Matthew do him 'cuz honestly I'd rather have sex with a pile of manure than take it in the ass. They must really be in love and hey - they're getting married!

This e-mail's dedicated to your sisters; I wanna thank ya'll for letting me fuck you. Hard. With my capitalist penis.

I just had sex and all your sisters dreams came true, if you had sex in the last thirty minutes then you're qualified to rejoice with me (so, not you then).

Alfred **Fucking **Jones

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – ****Do Not Interfere With the Nature of Causality**

You, brother, are a crazy suicidal bastard. I can hear him Koling from here, I can hear him over the sounds that Prussia is making, it is that loud. Thank fuck for the artic, eh?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Ivan**

**Subject – I'm A Monster!**

I am the man that makes the mafia go away, da?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Uhhhh**

Eh, Mattie, bro, I _might_ have lost the mafia.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – WTF?**

How in god's name could you loose the _mafia?_ Riddle me that Alfred.

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – It could be Worse; It Could've Been Me**

Well I sent them to Russia and he did not appreciate the gesture so he…I'm not really sure what he did with them but he assures me he didn't eat them.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – Could Be Better You Mean?**

You massive pillock. What if Gilbert finds out and tries to run away again, who's going to stop him? Oh and Alfred, they were part of my plan, not yours, what the fuck man?

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Gotta Admit It's Exciting**

Yeah well I was only using them as a distraction, all they were supposed to do was make it look like I was trying to have Russia killed, which I wasn't, promise! They'll turn up though, just, _please _don't tell Romano I'd like to keep my dick in working order. He'd rip it off. With his teeth.

Trust me here, the plan is working, he is worked up, not thinking straight but I need him just a little more distracted, would you be willing to do a Beyonce for me? That'd really rub him up the wrong way.

Alfred

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – ****I've Seen Excitement, and I've Seen Boredom and Boredom Was Best**

Well he seems pretty fucking distracted to me. You think I'd tell Romano? Are you crazy? I know nothing about any of this, you lost them, you can deal with them.

What in God's name are you talking about? What's a 'Beyonce' is she not a singer or something?

Matthew

* * *

**To – Matthew**

**From – Alfred**

**Subject – Russia Should've Put a Ring On It (Course **_**He**_** Would've Put it Round Your Neck)**

You know Mattie, All the single ladies, all the single ladies, uh-uh-oh, If you liked it then you should put a ring on it. Make sure to wear the right costume to and you better make sure you've got all the moves down before you record it, respect the Beyonce.

Alfred

P.S. Have you seen the latest e-mails from Europe; Europeans, crazy ass motherfuckers one and all.

* * *

**To – Alfred**

**From – Matthew**

**Subject – If You Want Something Done…**

No, I am not doing that. Ever.

Now excuse me but I have a wedding to prepare for and mafia to locate.

Matthew

P.S. They sure are that but you can't talk, please re-read your last e-mail and agree wholeheartedly with me.

* * *

Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum – When you have a good grip on their balls, their hearts and minds will follow. From Small Gods, a Discworld Novel by Terry Pratchett, some of the E-mail Subjects have direct quotes or amended quotes from the Disc.

**Questions**

Though why would brothers fall in incestuous love? That part of the plan I don't get... _I just assume it's not that strange for nations, like they don't come from the same womb etc._

And I'm pretty sure the maker of Hetalia has revealed Ireland to be a guy... just saying._ No official character as of yet, he briefly considered making Ireland a female._

Why is Belgium corresponding with Natalie? _I meant to take that out, it was going to be a sub-plot but I ended up writing a separate one shot so as not to derail the plot of this…one day I will get round to mass editing, I swear it hahah._

Why are you naming corresponding titles after song titles? _The reasons are threefold 1. Because I can 2. Cause subjects get annoying to think up and I was being lazy (some of the songs do go with the e-mails though) 3. Because I am immature and easily amused :-D I have also used Movies, Books and Quotes in specific chapters._

Reviews massively appreciated


End file.
